Philip Oakey's Electric Dreams Part 4: Technology

Hi Ya!
Been a while, 'an't' it? I've been rehearsing with the League for a tour in November/December. I want to talk to you about computers and technology. I'll try my hand at anything me, cooking, surfing, swimming and driving, even pie eating but technology and me don't mix that much. Just because I know my way around a synth or two you'd be forgiven for thinking that I'd be well into computers. Wrong!

Like most of yer us simple Yorkshire folk still get wound up big time by computer viruses, printer problems and internets. For this blogsode I'm gonna do my best to give you clinical, Human League advice on how to tackle problems with yer computers and wi new technology in general. This blog entry has been programmed with you in mind. The solutions normally sort my problems out.

FISHING
You might see this term misspelt as 'phishing'. But it's wrong. Because it's actually people who email you and 'fish' for information such as your bank details, birthdates, phone numbers and star signs. Nowt to with 'Ph'. It's FISH.

Solution. Tell them to fuck off. Send a virus to them. Then do what my mate calls a 'system restore'.

Computer Hijacks
I'm not suggesting for a minute that someone's gonna make your computer fly itself to Libya or throw itself at a building. But some sad bastard from Malayasia, Moscow or Miami, some low-life with spots, bad wind and no girlfriend have the technology to take over your compewters and can easealy direct your broswrs to porn sites, casinos or even dick about in your blog accounts making you slpell fings wrong cause phil oakley is a bastard...Don't worry you haven't been hacked. I was just joking. Course I know how to spell. And I'm not really a bastard.

Solution. System restore. Or go to download.com. There are things there. You baSAtards.

Viruses/Worms
These little bastards, once in your system are difficult to flush out. You can drink as much water as possible and take loads of headache tablets but the virus is still there, hiding away, and messing up your insides. Now I'm told if you reinstall your computer it pretty much has the same effect. I've had to replace a few computers because of these monsters. Some of you will be aware that it's these so called anti-virus firms that offer the solution. That's kind of like some drug pusher offering able get your kids off smack.

Solution. Invest in an Apple Computer. And Don't take smack.

GUITAR HERO
Don't get me started on this. I'm sick of hearing about it. I blame Guitar Hero for the spate of dinosaur rock acts infecting the album charts and the television. I blame Guitar Hero for the shite that's Nickelback or Kid Rock. Where's the fun in mauling a plastic thing and getting some screeching, unrestrained notes out of it? How rock n roll is a computer game for kids anyway? Can't imagine a 'Punk Hero' or 'Vocal Hero' or 'Porn Hero' meself. What about 'Synth Star'? Thought not. Face it, Guitar Hero is karaoke for failed rock stars. It's shit as well.

iPhone
i know. It's been out for ages. Haven't got one. Well...all right. I have. Fuckin' love it. Don't know how to work the thing or make calls...but it can time my egg for me.

Wii
Old news. I've been hearing of folk getting 'wii elbows'. Honest to God. On Sarah Palin's life! Fraid it's a bit like Guitar Hero for me this white rabbit. I did pop into Leeds a month ago and pick myself one up. But it's a lot of nonsense, not as infectious or romantic as Ping Pong or Asteriods. That's the problem with computer games culture it's taken youth culture out of the amusement arcades. They were great places to meet up, date girls, have a smoke, tap your mates for cash and ask the lady at the change counter for a coffee! And you could listen to the latest pop songs by The Human League.

Well that's it for today. I'm off to Zavvi in Leeds. Well tomorrow. When it's open. If it's not raining.

Philip Oakey is currently listening to Neon Neon's 'Stainless Style' album. He has also provided the song 'Louise' for Tony Christie's forthcoming album 'Made in Sheffield'.

For more info about the tour
http://www.nme.com/news/human-league/40523

Martin Creed: Work Shy

I like art, its meaningless, its sincerity, how it evolves, devolves, explores, implores, holds up mirrors, smashes them to pieces, distorts time, space and place, distrusts, confesses, rejects, confronts, entertains and enlightens. I love it. Honest. I like art when it's beautiful, when it's ugly, how it can arouse or molest the senses. I've seen it in Rothko, in Gormley, with Hopper, Caulfield among quite a long list of others...but I've yet to feel anything significant about Martin Creed, particularly in his recent installation Work 850. I wasn't exactly endeared when I came across Work 227: Lights going on and off. I'll allow Channel 4's Jon Snow and Nicholas Glass to take up the background, for those of you who have been buried under Martian ice.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1529573111?bclid=1640055074&bctid=1640111623

I'm not the first and I won't be the last to stake the claim that Creed comes across as a lazy, self-indulgent, bullied, cop out, that his work embodies everything that is just plain wrong about The Turner Prize and all those 90s Brit artists that were fashionable for about two hours. I just find his work mediorce. Why the press interest? Why the hype? I can see that, beyond, the lack of concept, there is something vaguely intriguing, if not unoriginal, about people running through art galleries like arseholes, especially if they are pretentious artists being chased by masked knife men.

If this project had been conceived by someone else, say Bob Champion or Mary Decker, then it would have some mileage. But from the prism of Creed's psyche, and we know he has form, you get the understandable inkling that his cynical, smug, bad judgement has got the better of him again. It feels as if he gives most of his projects about 5 seconds thought while he's on the bog, which incidentally, I reckon he rather enjoys a bit too much.

It's OK to evolve, Martin! Try it someday. He should do a video installation, a self-portrait called Being Repeatedly Punched In The Face.

BEST BEFORE USA: You The Jury

I'm on my way back from the land of the free, having secured two more interviews with two more of the US's contributions to popular culture. In this final episode I managed to catch up with Judge Judy and star of 80s sit-com, Different Strokes, Gary 'what you talkin' bout Mr D' Coleman.

First up, all rise for Judge Judy.

On accusations that her show is nothing but smoke and shadows
Baloney! You got that. Bal-on-ey!

On Judge John Deed
You kiddin' me? I don't get it. Judge John Deed. You blowin' smoke up my ass? I don't get it. It's a joke right?

On Charlie Bucket
You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which has to be washed and sterilised! So you LOSE! You get NOTHING! Good day sir!

On the Golden Girls
Ssh...ssh.. listen up! I ain't no golden girl, dumb ass! I never been on that dumb show, got that?

On Justice
You want the death penalty then you flick the switch! Go ahead sunshine! Knock yourself out!

On me and my blog
Get a job, punk! What! You mean to say people actually read this stuff? They don't? Take my advice tough guy, you wanna be a big shot, then watch your mouth! Zip it! Security!

I was then escorted away from the hotel lobby.


Gary Coleman. The Starbucks Years.

On Fame
You know...it's one thing being that cute freakshow kid on TV in the 80s but I gotta live too. I have a life. I gotta bring home the bacon. Even when the pigs are laughing at me.

Whatchatalkin'bout...
I kinda hate that thing. I can still make five hundred bucks everytime I say that phrase but you know...Mr T makes more cash than I do...and now they get someone else to pretend to be me for cell phones. You want me to say it, dontcha? You don't? C'mon, man! Here's the deal...a hundred bucks and I'll say it here and now, right in this shopping mall...C'mon! Tell ya what! Special discount...five bucks...just five bucks...Whass the matter...c'mon! I need this. I really need this. Where you at?

(By now I've grown bored and vacant so I take my leave)
Sorry Gary, I have a plane to catch.

BEST BEFORE USA: Millan Dollar Man

Continuing with our US edition of Best Before December, today we caught up with Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer fame to ask him for his views on the state of America, Sarah Palin, cats, Lacoste and the American race for President.

On The New World Order
It's like Planet of the Apes, you know...but one day, as sure as I am of the beard on my face, the new world order shall come. Dogs will be our masters and we will all have to be kept on a leash.

On Sarah Palin
You know, pit bull's shouldn't wear lipstick. Her temperament is all wrong. She needs to learn respect the hard way. Then one day she could get her rewards and join the pack of dogs in the White House. Maybe. Til then her master has to be brave and put a muzzle over her stupid yankee mouth.

On Cats
They should be exterminated. They are cold, selfish, verminous creatures. You know, they distract the Canines in a way that I don't like. You can't domesticate them, you know? Cats are not smart , funny or cute. Their owners have no control or self-discipline. They're a bit strange, no? I guess they brought Aids into this world.

On religion
God is a dog, no? Think about it. (Cesar beams for a long time)

On Lacoste
Lacoste is my friend. Lacoste doesn't judge. I never wear the same shirt for than one day in my life. If I could never buy Lacoste I would kill something.

Eating habits
If you wanna be the natural pack leader you have to eat from the same bowl as your dogs. You have to live like a dog to conquer the divine species. I do this all the time. Dogs.

Obama/McCain
You know, I'm not so sure they are brave enough to make the US a state of Mexico. Don't think they are ready for that challenge. I hope I live to see the day when the future president of the United States is a German shepard dog or a Beagle. In Mexico.

On the near future
I can't see myself doing ths forever. Something's calling me, you know, to the wild. I see the sunset of my life being the leader of a pack of wolves...in the mountains...before I am killed by a silver bullet one careless winter day...

BEST BEFORE USA: Bunnel of a gun

For the next couple of posts America's cultural icons give us an overview of what it means to be an American in the Election year, and importantly, what they would do if they were the President of the USA. We start with Sheriff (Retired) John Bunnel.

On Religion
That slammer in the sky is sure gonna be full come the day of Judgement.

On Security
What concerns me, when I lock up my car, or say goodnight to my kids, are punks, tramps, hobos, homos, yakking liberals and commies. Every country in the world has issues with shankings, ammo sandwiches, Jesus juice and abortions but how many 'o these crazy 'lil places would be man enough to put Tasers under their child's pillows at night, or give them a darn cold Uzi to pack into their luncnbox for their first day at Junior High, huh?

On fame
In the US, 'celebrity' is a dirty word right now. But try tellin' that to the lowlife's who come up to me and bug me for my autograph's, only to mistake me for that Frankenstein guy outta 'The Munsters'! Go figure!

McCain or Obama
Would you guys be comfortable voting for a guy who's name rhymes with Osama?I ain't met a soul who disagrees with me. I know what box I'll be checking, and if you're in any doubt where my loyalty lies just come and take a look in my refrigerator. What does it say on my packet of fries, huh? Can you see it? McCain. Everytime!

Guiltiest pleasure
Shooting pool with Hilary Clinton. Man that gal's got good eyes!

How do you relax?
I kinda get a kick outta chasing punks on the freeway in my helicopter and then goin' back to my crib an' layin' down some cold, hard freestylin' rhymes! My favourite line is 'that good kid gone bad is gonna be a dead punk well done'.

Sheriff John Bunnel has not approved this message.

(Phil Oakey is rehearsing with the Human League. He'll return in a couple of weeks-Ed)

Balls to you!

I don't normally DO politics. But this prick might as well be the Jack Straw that broke the camel's back. Nothing personal but it's the last (Jack) Straw for this pantheon of sterile, hateful, spineless, grey pieces of crap that have fucked the country in the arse and proceeded to defend their back door totalitarian manifesto.

To be fair he's probably no more awful than the Milliband's, the Hewitt's, the Hodge's, the Blears', the Smith's and the Burnham's. The jury is out to whether he's more awful than James Purnell, and all the other sixth form simpletons that make up this weak excuse for a government. Let's be under no illusion as to the opposition. They are no more relevant. David Cameron has realised he best stands a chance by his own pale imitation of New Labour. I'm sure the Tories will get in not on their own merits but because New Labour are so fucking piss poor!

But with Balls...I don't know. Something cuts deeper. I've always found that man deeply, deeply unpleasant. It's not that he would look like a Nazi if his terrible hairstyle was shaved off, it's not the disdainful way he comes across in interviews when he's losing always losing the arguments. His defensive and aggressive nature are behind his eyes when challenged with reasonable questions. Unlike most New Labour MP's, who shrug off questions with irrelevant and patronising statistics and untruths, Balls has that twinkle of murder in his eyes as he tries to maintain his dignity. I don't like it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was discovered that he'd beaten up women or bullied old people. I don't like his ass kissing of Gordon Brown. I hate his speeches, his pretentious language. I don't want a future where Ed Balls' visions of education has come to pass. I don't TRUST him. I want him out. There's something creepy about him as well. I don't want him coming to my school and asking me boring questions that not even he cares about, such as 'Do you kids ever self-harm in your spare time?'

Even if we were to discount his lack of charisma, as with the above politicians, he still has no substance or progressive argument. He's no more than an automaton. Essentially that is what kind of society this government wants, and what kind of government they want. In their hands your lives are nothing but casinos.

Philip Oakey's Electric Dreams Part 3: Sex and Relationships

Hi-ya! Now then. How are yer? Not so bad, eh? I wouldn't normally do this unless you were my niece or nephew but for the benefit of this episode I'd like you to call me Uncle Phil, right? Because I'm gonna be your agony uncle for the next few hundred and odd words.

Here's some quick advice. Forget all that stuff in girly glam mags. They know nowt about relationships much less about sex. All that lot weren't brought up wi Ready Brek and Marmite like us normal folk. They're staffed by test tube babies, spinsters, common lesbians amd saturday girls. Trust me. I'm a popstar! Been there, done it, got the scars and cheap t-shirts to prove it. There's not much that you haven't seen in a cheap porno that I haven't done in me time, I can tell yer. As for love affairs well I've had my heart broken on the four corners of the globe in different time zones and it ain't been too pretty. I've written about love, obsession, sex...sung about 'em. When I stepped out to perform 'Don't You Want Me' in '81 I fucking lived it! So today I'm gonna answer some of the questions I often get asked about relationship issues, and help sort your love lives out.

1. MY FELLA'S A BIT OF A PONCE. SHOULD I SEND HIM PACKING?

Well, love. Some folks used to say I was a bit of a ponce in my youth what wi me make-up and that... but let me tell yer...I soon had a nice surprise for the more curious of them in the bedroom! If some of those bedsits in Leeds could talk! No, but seriously you have to look deeper. Folk are complex things. Does he put shelves up for yer? Does he like a pint and a pie with the lads once in a while at the Sheffield match? There you go then! I'll think you'll find, love, that down south 'ponce' means something completely different entirely and I'm sure we wouldn't judge you on this basis, would we?

2. I'M A BIT WORRIED THAT I CAN'T PLEASE THE MISSUS...AS I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. DOES THIS MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A BLOKE?

Don't be daft. I've met blokes who can't hold a snooker cue or cricket bat properly. It's like owt else. You need practise...lots of it...and an understanding wench who doesn't laugh at yer, who you can trust completely. If she laughs at yer, chuck her and get a bird who is totally open, honest and can share a pint and a pie wi. Get some practice, mate, and don't be afraid of getting yer yed down once in a while. You'd be surprised what she'll do for you in return.

3. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A THREESOME BUT I'M NOT SURE MY WIFE WOULD BE UP FOR IT. WHAT CAN I SAY TO PERSUADE HER?

You're not missing much. Nothing's ever good as it's cracked up to be in reality. The guilt, the regret, the shame and feelings of inadequacy never really go away. Use your imagination instead. It's safe, it's discreet, it's clean, and with regards to prospective partners, well, the world's your oyster alive or dead. Just the other day I had a threesome with Steffi Graff and Dr Miriam Stoppard. It were different!

4. I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX. I FEEL A BIT REPULSED.

The only member of the same sex I've ever fancied was yours truly when I once caught my reflection in the dressing room mirror in 1980 before I was due onstage. I felt no guilt or shame about it at all...and let's face it, most of my sex life, like many blokes, has been spending many a night and day playing pocket billiards...and that's far from repulsive. I don't care who you are, where you are, what you are, what you're supposed to believe and how you're told to feel, you can't change nature or who or what turns you on. No two ways about it. Human nature.

5. IT'S MY FIRST DATE NEXT WEEK. I'M NERVOUS. ANY ADVICE. I REALLY LIKE THIS BOY BUT I DON'T WANT TO MESS IT UP. WHAT IF HE ASKS FOR A KISS?

Relationships and dates aren't always about shagging and blow jobs. Whatever you do, whether you're a boy or girl, gay or straight, is to make your partner feel good about themselves. You don't have to have money or as my old mate Jermaine Stewart once said, take your clothes off to have a good time. Make 'em something to eat now and again, like a butty with a cuppa. Do something nice for them like pick them up ten Bensons from the seven o'clock shop. Take them for a walk somewhere nice like the Trafford Centre. Don't tell 'em you care. SHOW them!

As for first dates, well, greet them with a peck on the cheek at the start, get all that nervous tension out your system. If they wanna go further and you're comfortable wi it, then take it slowly. Maybe you could bring each other a little bag of sweets, like some jelly babies or a packet of Mentos, or make them a mixtape of your favourite Human League tunes. Little things like that will go a long way. In most cases first dates never lead anywhere so don't worry too much, just have a nice day out. You'll meet the right person when you least expect it.

As for those of you who have had it up to here with relationships and all that palava, or don't ever think you'll meet anyone and will spend your days being lonely, well, just think of the cash you can save, and it'll mean you have extra time to go into Leeds every fortnight to buy some mix CD'S.

See yer!

NEXT TIME: Phil Oakey solves your computer problems.

Bored Bitch

I've always found Melanie Philips (pictured) for any number of reasons a bit of a bore. Haven't you? Why not tell her? http://www.spectator.co.uk/melaniephillips/

Philip Oakey's 'Electric Dreams' Part 2: Drugs

Hi-ya. Old muggins is back. I've been commissioned by Smirnov Kool, to write a regular lifestyle feature for this blog. He says he can't be arsed as much these days because no fucker wants to read it, and they don't have much time to read it because they'd rather spend all of five seconds from their small, unimportant lives, updating their status' on social networking websites, and learning very little in general about other people and subjects, because they're so obsessed with themselves...(Phew!)

Any road! If some of you are still here after that propaganda plug...I said I'd do this because I don't do nowt these days. Me and the girls only tour every chrimbo with The League. Now on to today's feature...

Last fortnight when our swords crossed I gave thi boss advice about making it in the cruel world of pop music. Well, now that's under your belt, and by now, you've realised that it's pointless and your tiny minds have turned to the promises of escapism that drugs have in store for you...you'll find this piece about de-toxing is aimed at you. This is free advice so don't come running to me if the shit hits the fan.

I was thinking about drugs the other day actually. In the old days it was your dinosaur rock acts, queens and celebrities that used to drop acid, mess about with charlie and angel dust. Now they're everywhere! And they have all sorts of names but we won't get bogged down in all that fluff. Drugs have come out of nightclubs and into our playgrounds. And they're not just pushed onto us by blacks and Asians anymore. There's a new enemy on the block. Parents have become the new pushers. I nearly choked on my pie the other day as I was reading about it. That's right. Parents are giving this crap to their kids now. Don't believe me? You don't have to. It was in all the papers. They're getting the good shit in lunch boxes. I tell yer! It's a right sinister sight, seeing those poor little shits getting out of the four wheel drives, their mummy's and daddy's sending them on their way with a couple of bags in their lunch boxes. They pick 'em up after school a couple o' tonnes richer, thanks very much. It saddens me, seeing all those posh kids pumping, pimping the poor kids from the estates full of booze, piss, bongos and kems. I'm wi Ian Brown on this. He texted me 'tother day to ask what's wrong wi our beautiful world. So I'm opening my heart.


ADDICTION

Let me tell yer! I had a bad do wi Yorkshire tea donkey's years ago. At one point during the making of the 'Octopus' album I was doin' about 18 bags a day!! So I KNOW more than most what it's like to be an addict. It's in your bones. No good trying to scrub it away...it won't move. It's society's stain...it's nature's stain and the cloth you need to scrub off the muck is your patience. That's why I'm pointing my finger at you now! Yeah, you there, staring in your laptop, you sad bastard. Get a bloody new life! It's not easy to stop, is it? If you've an addictive personality you'll latch onto something, whether it's collecting world cup 1982 panini football stickers or, like I do, going into Leeds every fortnight to buy a mix CD or a Doctor Who DVD EVERY TIME I fancied a cuppa. It soon sorted me out. I suggest you find something to replace the addiction. I don't care what reason you have to turn to your vices, just use something else to escape. I suggest you lot listen to a Human League album or something before you get smacked up and eventually end up soiling yourself in Sainsbury's or knifing a face in Boots.

There's loadsa types of addictions. People shop too much, eat too much chocolate, get pissed up on booze, smoke, fist fight, slap their wench about, wank off, vomit, give blood, back the hounds, sleep too much. I know one poor fucker who's addicted to driving lessons. Honest to god he keeps failing his tests! Mad or what?

Sometimes people stop me on the street and say all sorts of things. You know like, 'Phil, when are we gonna get a new album from The League?' or 'Oakey! Where did you get those boots from?' 'Tother day this old bidy says to me, 'Do you think stinking drugs should be legalised?' And I'll tell yer now what I told her. When I stepped out to perform 'Don't You Want Me?' on Top of The Pops, do you think I was off my face on coke and chips? I don't want my kids growing up with smackheads and methodone toothfaces teaching them, pushing them on swings, fathering them, serving them, doctoring them, policing them, entertaining 'em, registering them, billing 'um...Not just MY kids. YOUR kids. Sheffield's kids! Dawlish's kids, Darwin's kids, Bristol's kids, Dublin's kids, Dusseldorf's kids, Harrison Ford's kids. I don't feel good about being managed by a Prime Minister off his rocker on ketamine substitute. If you can't make your own entertainment and get high on life on a good pop record, or a cuppa and a pie then what is the point?

I want the person who operates on my son's brain to have a steady hand and fresh breath, thanks very much. If you don't mind leave the illegal substances to the popstars and piss artists on the edges of today's society. Because they are sure in hell not role models in the Oakey household. Not in my book.

'We'll always be together.'
x
Phil

Next Time: Sex and relationships

Philip Oakey's 'Electric Dreams' Part 1: Pop Music

You probably know me as the lead singer of the popular synth pop/new wave/post punk band known as The Human League. In my new regular column I hope to be giving all kinds of advice from how to get ahead in the world of pop music, cookery ideas, sorting out your love life and dealing with your computer problems.

Before I give you an introduction on how to put a match to the charts and watch it burn to the sound of your crowd let me tell you a bit more about me. I love pop music, I do. I live and breathe pop music. And I love technology. I won't even think of starting the day and getting out of bed unless I've had a good dollop of mp3s on toast. Then I get on the bus with me iPod and nod ma yed to some right good playlists I've compiled, like 'Music to Wait For The Bus To' or the classic, 'To Imagine What It's Like Not To Be Me.' When I'm not bathing in pop music, having sex to it, or making it, I love going into Leeds once a fortnight and getting me mix CD's and Doctor Who DVD's. In the late 70s, early 80s I used to knock about with local lad John Foxx. I bumped into him the other day as a matter of fact. We shared a pint and a joke as we recalled the time we talked about forming an Ultravoxx/Human League spin off project but couldn't agree on the name. My camp wanted John League and Foxxy wanted Human Foxx. It almost came to blows, so we decided to leave it, and made up with a packet of biscuits and Yorkshire tea. Shame, we could have made a couple of top selling discs.

You don't need me to tell you how shit the charts are as you must be aware. I mean, come on, who the fuck are the Arctic Rolls?! Back in the 80s synth pop and new wave dominated the charts like Nazi Germany. It wasn't unsual for a top ten to feature OMD, Kraftwerk, Soft Cell, Japan, Ultravoxx, and us of course...often at the same time. Many people say 'well your music is cold. People want fun and good times. They don't want to think. Thinking is for boring people'. Of course this is bollocks but you try living under Thatcher's iron fist. She practically did her best to club all the thought out of our tiny Northern minds in those days. But I don't want to get political here, the bloke who keeps this site is already doing a job of buggering that up already! But there will be a change and in anticipation of this I thought I'd use the wealth of my experience in this shit business in helping you carve a career in proper pop music or Propop, as I have just decided to call it right this minute. Let me finish me pie and I'll carry on...

Right I've had me pie now, let's crack on...

ATTITUDE/IMAGE

When I stepped out to perform 'Don't you want me?' on Top of The Pops in 1981 I became the central hard done by character in the song. People think it was autobiographical but that was rubbish. Same goes for the girls. People ask me 'Phil, are they really that bored and slaggy in real life?' They're lovely. Trust me. I took loads of leads, mainly from Bowie and Diana Ross, on how to build an aura around my stage presence. Even though I have respect for bands like Abba, we didn't DARE smile or show much emotion. Let your audience fill in the blanks. You can still be a popstar without acting the goat and pretending life is all flowery, about cars, champagne and girls. Cars kill people and cause injury, brain damage and disfigurement. Flowers can cause allergies. Champagne can lead to binge drinking. You see what I'm saying? Appearences can be deceptive, but start with some sense of realism. And don't make the mistake that Sting once made when he went on stage with half a packet of Bovril flavoured crisps. Those kind of errors tend to leave a bad taste in the mouth, take my word for it.

It's like in interviews, you don't have to be polite if you don't feel like it. If you've got nothing intelligent to say or your opinions are a bit simple just keep your mouth shut. Believe me people will love you for it. They'll think you're mysterious and intelligent. If you are a brain box then keep it to yersel'! Educate your fans without giving yerself away. Reference Lynch, Kubrick, Goddard, Fellini, reference, Burroughs, Ballard, Dick, reference Bacon, Dali, Escher, Rothko, reference Stokhausen, Cage, Throbbing Gristle and the rest of it without saying owt...but also add a few popular culture references to show that you haven't lost touch with the general public. Check out my song, 'These Are The Things That Dreams Are Made Of.' It's a knockabout song about the simple pleasures in life. Smashing. It's always fun to speak in metaphor or give glib answers. I've always wanted to go into interviews imaging how Samual Beckett would answer questions. If you can do this without giving too much information about yourself than a successful career in pop or politics is only months away.

There is a lot to be said for the phrase 'Too much information.' I'm always saying it. For example-

Fan. Hey Phil you're looking a bit rough.
Me. Too much information.
Fan. I'm a bit rough mesel'...my stomach's playin' up!
Me. Too much information.
Fan. Oh yeah...haven't told yer...our Maureen's had her baby, it's-
Me. Too much information!

Pop stars should also look like popstars. And some of them, to some extent, do, but a new wave artist should look more glamourous and sexy like the character Pris from 'Blade Runner'. Or Davros. But a lot of artists nowadays look so ordinary that you could take them home to steal a couple of quid off your mother after she's just had the courtesy to offer you a couple of Mr Kipling cakes and tea. A popstar shouldn't look like they could blend in at Starbucks or in a queue at the cinema for the latest US Romcom. Like I used to, they should look otherworldy, or like Bowie (again), as if he's come from Mars, if Mars were able to support some form of human life. It's all so safe and sugary these days. Everyone wants to look like a 12 year old. Take Rhianna or Girls Aloud or even My Chemical Romance? Can you imagine sleeping with them? It'd be like taking the virginity of a nun, by force. You want a kind of anti-glamour of someone who looks as if they've beent through it (without the mankiness of Doherty), they have a brain which means imaginaiton and creativity, which means that they are likely to fulfill the dark recesses of your twisted sexuality. Just ask yourself who would you rather lose your virginity to? Someone like Kate Bush, Alison Goldfrapp, Shirley Mansun, Siouxsie Sioux. Or someone like Carol Vorderman? Dying your hair black, wearing a black t-shirt with a retro/ironic slogan, black eyeliner, lipstick, boots and fishnets isn't a passport unless you can back it up with the noggin. Not in my book, pals. You can go round Sheffield or any town today and see these goth/emo kids and I just point and say 'TTH' which means Trying Too Hard. Because they do. Develop your own look and your own ideas. When I wrote 'The Sound of the Crowd' it was about being part of a clique that no-one else cared about. These days cliques are the mainstream, drowned by mediocre sub-Nirvana's, sub-Green Day's, sub-Smashing Pumkins and the like. If you want to use an influence use the orginal sources rather than the photocopies, because every generation loses something when constantly reproduced. Just think of it like this. Would you rather eat a decent Yorkshire pudding or a photocopy of it? Because it's the same difference, I don't care what you say. Mix it up, mess around with people's expectations. But be subtle. Look at the artwork and imagery that surround 'Client'. Compare the subtle use of leg fetishism, without all these not so subtle sexism of pop videos about jocks and shaking fat arses for the grotesque hip hoppers with all the bling. You could look at these vile videos as empowerment but to me these patronising showreels are a retarded view of the world, and it disappoints me. It sickens me actually. Which leads me to...

ORIGINALITY

I was watching The Hits the other night and this song comes on by Sean Kingston. I tell you, I couldn't finish my pie. It put me right off it. How you can rape a song like Stand By Me is beyond me, and while I'm not adverse to sampling in music, I have to say that this fella needs to go before The Hague and answer to charges against crimes against humanity. His voice alone is enough to inspire murder. But isn't all this, the sound, the boring lyrics and the vocals all just part of this trend for true clean cut, easy listening these days? All the lasses sound the same. They want to warble like Alicia Keys, that lass out of Sugababes, and Mariah Carey. The lads want to affect Irish whines like that Fall Out Boy and Green Day (them again). They get it off each other, off TV, off talent shows.

I had me own voice, so did Mark E. Smith, Jarvis Cocker, Andy Bell, Marc Alond, loads of us. You might have not liked each one but it was part of the character of the band. If you're thinking of forming a band because you want to sound just like someone else, with the same lyrics, style and themes then give up now if you want to achieve credibility. Kraftwerk may have sung about calculators and robots but at least its placed them in the position of being one of the most influencial bands of all fucking time. Don't get me wrong, I love the acts who like to redefine their influences like Client, Goldfrapp, Ladytron and Fischerspooner but apart from me Mix CDs I listen to experimental music. I've got this interesting CD called 'Conversations With Rice and Coulter' by The Digestive System and for 70 minutes it features nowt but the sound of vomiting. Very thought provoking.


I think that's about it for now. You've got a chance to succeed in this climate of conservative music. Educate yersel'! Decent stuff. Think for yersel'! Get out there and explore, read, live...do the opposite to your mates and what the TV tells yer! Don't think about being cool. Cool people don't tell you you're cool. Work it out for yersel'!



'We'll always be together'

x
Phil