Hi-ya. Old muggins is back. I've been commissioned by Smirnov Kool, to write a regular lifestyle feature for this blog. He says he can't be arsed as much these days because no fucker wants to read it, and they don't have much time to read it because they'd rather spend all of five seconds from their small, unimportant lives, updating their status' on social networking websites, and learning very little in general about other people and subjects, because they're so obsessed with themselves...(Phew!)
Any road! If some of you are still here after that propaganda plug...I said I'd do this because I don't do nowt these days. Me and the girls only tour every chrimbo with The League. Now on to today's feature...
Last fortnight when our swords crossed I gave thi boss advice about making it in the cruel world of pop music. Well, now that's under your belt, and by now, you've realised that it's pointless and your tiny minds have turned to the promises of escapism that drugs have in store for you...you'll find this piece about de-toxing is aimed at you. This is free advice so don't come running to me if the shit hits the fan.
I was thinking about drugs the other day actually. In the old days it was your dinosaur rock acts, queens and celebrities that used to drop acid, mess about with charlie and angel dust. Now they're everywhere! And they have all sorts of names but we won't get bogged down in all that fluff. Drugs have come out of nightclubs and into our playgrounds. And they're not just pushed onto us by blacks and Asians anymore. There's a new enemy on the block. Parents have become the new pushers. I nearly choked on my pie the other day as I was reading about it. That's right. Parents are giving this crap to their kids now. Don't believe me? You don't have to. It was in all the papers. They're getting the good shit in lunch boxes. I tell yer! It's a right sinister sight, seeing those poor little shits getting out of the four wheel drives, their mummy's and daddy's sending them on their way with a couple of bags in their lunch boxes. They pick 'em up after school a couple o' tonnes richer, thanks very much. It saddens me, seeing all those posh kids pumping, pimping the poor kids from the estates full of booze, piss, bongos and kems. I'm wi Ian Brown on this. He texted me 'tother day to ask what's wrong wi our beautiful world. So I'm opening my heart.
ADDICTION
Let me tell yer! I had a bad do wi Yorkshire tea donkey's years ago. At one point during the making of the 'Octopus' album I was doin' about 18 bags a day!! So I KNOW more than most what it's like to be an addict. It's in your bones. No good trying to scrub it away...it won't move. It's society's stain...it's nature's stain and the cloth you need to scrub off the muck is your patience. That's why I'm pointing my finger at you now! Yeah, you there, staring in your laptop, you sad bastard. Get a bloody new life! It's not easy to stop, is it? If you've an addictive personality you'll latch onto something, whether it's collecting world cup 1982 panini football stickers or, like I do, going into Leeds every fortnight to buy a mix CD or a Doctor Who DVD EVERY TIME I fancied a cuppa. It soon sorted me out. I suggest you find something to replace the addiction. I don't care what reason you have to turn to your vices, just use something else to escape. I suggest you lot listen to a Human League album or something before you get smacked up and eventually end up soiling yourself in Sainsbury's or knifing a face in Boots.
There's loadsa types of addictions. People shop too much, eat too much chocolate, get pissed up on booze, smoke, fist fight, slap their wench about, wank off, vomit, give blood, back the hounds, sleep too much. I know one poor fucker who's addicted to driving lessons. Honest to god he keeps failing his tests! Mad or what?
Sometimes people stop me on the street and say all sorts of things. You know like, 'Phil, when are we gonna get a new album from The League?' or 'Oakey! Where did you get those boots from?' 'Tother day this old bidy says to me, 'Do you think stinking drugs should be legalised?' And I'll tell yer now what I told her. When I stepped out to perform 'Don't You Want Me?' on Top of The Pops, do you think I was off my face on coke and chips? I don't want my kids growing up with smackheads and methodone toothfaces teaching them, pushing them on swings, fathering them, serving them, doctoring them, policing them, entertaining 'em, registering them, billing 'um...Not just MY kids. YOUR kids. Sheffield's kids! Dawlish's kids, Darwin's kids, Bristol's kids, Dublin's kids, Dusseldorf's kids, Harrison Ford's kids. I don't feel good about being managed by a Prime Minister off his rocker on ketamine substitute. If you can't make your own entertainment and get high on life on a good pop record, or a cuppa and a pie then what is the point?
I want the person who operates on my son's brain to have a steady hand and fresh breath, thanks very much. If you don't mind leave the illegal substances to the popstars and piss artists on the edges of today's society. Because they are sure in hell not role models in the Oakey household. Not in my book.
'We'll always be together.'
x
Phil
Next Time: Sex and relationships
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