As the new boss of the BBC I would push for the license fee to be raised to £2,000 a year. Which is a fair amount when you consider what it will fund.
-a continuation of massive pay rises for key staff and media personalities, including BBC institutions such as Terry Wogan, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton and Natasha Kaplinksy. Oh, and Fiona Bruce, since the 10pm News slot is SO important.
- More self-satisfying adverts for the BBC channels at EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
-Drama and Comedy will continue to be produced at a fraction of our US counterparts. And it will show.
-More game shows like Strictly Come Dancing and spin off's featuring F-list celebrities, funded by YOU, the license payers, and those who pay the telephone bills, whether or not you are able to have your vote counted, you pigs.
-More money will be plunged into delivering MORE formulaic half-hearted dramas and comedy programmes, esepcially for BBC3 to further the careers of the unfunny and uninspired writers and actors and creatives, who have fuelled the rage of many a bitter student rag and blog writer.
-More cash for Russel T. Davies and his producer friends for them to have massive piss up's, and for their sex orgies to take place at various penthouse flats where coke and swinging will go on in front of 70" plasma screens, running loops of Torchwood. Perhaps there is enough scope for yet ANOTHER spin off of Doctor Who called ROSEWOOD or CASSANDRAWOOD. Or even a Doctor Who spin off channel called WHO CARES, BBC?
-More cash for BBC new stationery, some new offices, carpets, desks, water coolers (for those essential water cooler moments the BBC dream of producing) and more desks, and offices, and nifty Apple desktop computers and MacBook pros. (Put me down for a Titanium one with the Super Combo drive)
-An increase in my personal salary, at least 250% which is reasonable for an executive like me who has to do all the really hard work, putting in more overtime, delivering more presentations, planning, researching, meetings, getting my PA to get my banana bread delivered on time. It's tough, making tough decisions. Money's not everything you know.
-Even though the rivers of cash we've had flowing for years and the profits we've amassed could afford us the opportunity to give something back that we lack in quality such as a successful Digital Switchover, which we already know won't happen untill 2015, certainly after the 2012 Olympics, we won't foot the bill for license payers to arrange LCD/plasma screens, digital set-top boxes or anything, we'll plunge some of it towards MORE and MORE pointless costume dramas of the most mediorce British novelists and writers.
-We're planning a mandate that doesn't only require householders to pay the TV license but ANYONE who watches television. I am sure that everyone is only too pleased to contribute to our beautiful and talented institution which brings you quality television like Comic Relief, the National Lottery and all those programmes that allow you to interact with your too generous financial contributions ON TOP OF YOUR LICENCE FEE. That's why we give you something back like Planet Earth and Walking With Dinosaurs. The awards we win are YOUR awards, but obviously you don't get to keep them. And because we remain a FORWARD THINKING company, as a treat to you this is what we shall propose.
-4 new channels. (Subscription obviously. Which is compulsary)
BBC FETISH. Dedicated to soft core porn. (£399 per year)
BBC DEMIX
youtube for television. A channel that broadcasts your three mins of pranks, meaningless monologues, dance routines, car surfing and mindless stupidity. (£30.00 per month.)
BBC ELITE
a channel dedicated to chin stroking reviews of cultural events featuring Mark Lawson interviewing a question mark, during the forthcoming Italin Futurist season.
BBC REGIONAL
Why only have an hour or so of news bulletins and reports from your own regional area when you can have rolling 24 hour news footage of mundane happenings and the odd pointless stabbing for the Region AS IT HAPPENS? BBC REGIONAL is the answer.
We may also rethink our strategy on the National Lottery. Maybe we could lose 'Casuality' and dedicate Saturday evenings to three hour long programs to gaming, phone in's and quizzes. Channel Five are welcome to their fucking Prison Break's and CSI's.
In the spirit of the new technology and lust for the nostalgic, which was exemplified by the pilot for 'Duet Impossible;. where through the magic of television classic deceased artists were unitied with 'living' by musically deceased artists, maybe we could bring back classic BBC shows and presenters. Imagine Nick Ross with Jill Dando, together again, as Crimewatch, is on the case for some immigrant crackhead.
So there you are. Keep funding the BBC. Without your input we couldn't possibly continue make challenging, daring programmes that set us apart from the rest. We really are great. Really. Everything's great.
