Hi-ya! Now then. How are yer? Not so bad, eh? I wouldn't normally do this unless you were my niece or nephew but for the benefit of this episode I'd like you to call me Uncle Phil, right? Because I'm gonna be your agony uncle for the next few hundred and odd words.
Here's some quick advice. Forget all that stuff in girly glam mags. They know nowt about relationships much less about sex. All that lot weren't brought up wi Ready Brek and Marmite like us normal folk. They're staffed by test tube babies, spinsters, common lesbians amd saturday girls. Trust me. I'm a popstar! Been there, done it, got the scars and cheap t-shirts to prove it. There's not much that you haven't seen in a cheap porno that I haven't done in me time, I can tell yer. As for love affairs well I've had my heart broken on the four corners of the globe in different time zones and it ain't been too pretty. I've written about love, obsession, sex...sung about 'em. When I stepped out to perform 'Don't You Want Me' in '81 I fucking lived it! So today I'm gonna answer some of the questions I often get asked about relationship issues, and help sort your love lives out.
1. MY FELLA'S A BIT OF A PONCE. SHOULD I SEND HIM PACKING?
Well, love. Some folks used to say I was a bit of a ponce in my youth what wi me make-up and that... but let me tell yer...I soon had a nice surprise for the more curious of them in the bedroom! If some of those bedsits in Leeds could talk! No, but seriously you have to look deeper. Folk are complex things. Does he put shelves up for yer? Does he like a pint and a pie with the lads once in a while at the Sheffield match? There you go then! I'll think you'll find, love, that down south 'ponce' means something completely different entirely and I'm sure we wouldn't judge you on this basis, would we?
2. I'M A BIT WORRIED THAT I CAN'T PLEASE THE MISSUS...AS I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. DOES THIS MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A BLOKE?
Don't be daft. I've met blokes who can't hold a snooker cue or cricket bat properly. It's like owt else. You need practise...lots of it...and an understanding wench who doesn't laugh at yer, who you can trust completely. If she laughs at yer, chuck her and get a bird who is totally open, honest and can share a pint and a pie wi. Get some practice, mate, and don't be afraid of getting yer yed down once in a while. You'd be surprised what she'll do for you in return.
3. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A THREESOME BUT I'M NOT SURE MY WIFE WOULD BE UP FOR IT. WHAT CAN I SAY TO PERSUADE HER?
You're not missing much. Nothing's ever good as it's cracked up to be in reality. The guilt, the regret, the shame and feelings of inadequacy never really go away. Use your imagination instead. It's safe, it's discreet, it's clean, and with regards to prospective partners, well, the world's your oyster alive or dead. Just the other day I had a threesome with Steffi Graff and Dr Miriam Stoppard. It were different!
4. I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX. I FEEL A BIT REPULSED.
The only member of the same sex I've ever fancied was yours truly when I once caught my reflection in the dressing room mirror in 1980 before I was due onstage. I felt no guilt or shame about it at all...and let's face it, most of my sex life, like many blokes, has been spending many a night and day playing pocket billiards...and that's far from repulsive. I don't care who you are, where you are, what you are, what you're supposed to believe and how you're told to feel, you can't change nature or who or what turns you on. No two ways about it. Human nature.
5. IT'S MY FIRST DATE NEXT WEEK. I'M NERVOUS. ANY ADVICE. I REALLY LIKE THIS BOY BUT I DON'T WANT TO MESS IT UP. WHAT IF HE ASKS FOR A KISS?
Relationships and dates aren't always about shagging and blow jobs. Whatever you do, whether you're a boy or girl, gay or straight, is to make your partner feel good about themselves. You don't have to have money or as my old mate Jermaine Stewart once said, take your clothes off to have a good time. Make 'em something to eat now and again, like a butty with a cuppa. Do something nice for them like pick them up ten Bensons from the seven o'clock shop. Take them for a walk somewhere nice like the Trafford Centre. Don't tell 'em you care. SHOW them!
As for first dates, well, greet them with a peck on the cheek at the start, get all that nervous tension out your system. If they wanna go further and you're comfortable wi it, then take it slowly. Maybe you could bring each other a little bag of sweets, like some jelly babies or a packet of Mentos, or make them a mixtape of your favourite Human League tunes. Little things like that will go a long way. In most cases first dates never lead anywhere so don't worry too much, just have a nice day out. You'll meet the right person when you least expect it.
As for those of you who have had it up to here with relationships and all that palava, or don't ever think you'll meet anyone and will spend your days being lonely, well, just think of the cash you can save, and it'll mean you have extra time to go into Leeds every fortnight to buy some mix CD'S.
See yer!
NEXT TIME: Phil Oakey solves your computer problems.
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