This website was for those who were bored, angered, aroused, disengaged, disturbed, tormented and baffled by popualr culture and new media and society. It's for those who are sick of wiping the digital, verbal, visual, audio vomit off our faces almost everyday from the bullshit that is spoon fed our way. This blog was conceived way, way before Charlie Brooker pretended to be angry for a living, before I committed anything to a blogging template, and no doubt will still be funnier than the ridiculous, imaginative 10 O' Clock Show he has become part of. His new hairstyle alone would be enough to inspire a headbutt.
But alas even though the blog's now over, all the shit talking, the crap things we have to endure in the name of life and entertainment will unfortunately continue. Everything will be dumbed down to the point where the silence will be deafining. I want to say it's been fun and a pleasure to write this shit but it hasn't really. It's been more like a public service, which rather than serving the public, is akin to screaming, tearfully, bitterly into the wind. If you're happening on this for the first time and you like the idea of it, and maybe have not the faintest idea why I'm talking so much shit, then refer to previous blog posts. Here's a few lowlights, and they are lowlights. There are better examples in the blog, and some genuinely riveting moments of good writing inside the insane waffling.
Dark Comedy
'Nighty Night really is a pile of shit, dressed up as 'ooh, look, clever dark comedy' , and why didn't no-one give a shit about Lucas and Walliams when they were funnier in Pie and Mash? Don't talk to me about comedy. My whole fucking life is a comedy.'
Hilary Duff
'...christ oh christ wept buckets, why did this airhead really feel that anyone would find her pathetic Paris Hilton act complete with pooch fashion accessory anything less than stomach-churningly dull or duff? Please call the RSPCA. Someone needs putting down fast. '
Christmas 'office' parties bullshit.
'I don't have an office to party in, or indeed any office staff to party with, or seduce them in the stock cupboard. So it's difficult to not feel left out, because, according to the national press that's where all the action is, everyone's having office parties, they've always had office parties...I've got some empty can of diet coke, some empty bottles as well, and I've emptied the toilet duck plastic bottles I've been collecting. I'm looking to using them as makeshift baubles and bells for the tree and perimeter of the house. Ideally, I'd like to light the toilet duck bottles from the inside. Any piece of crap that you can get your hands on would be much appreciated. Fuck the electric bill.'
Sensationsalist TV shows and Mini motorbikes
* The Woman Who Gave Birth To Her Sister
* ASBO Babies (a spin off from ASBO Pensioners)
* 4x4 Timebombers
* The Boy Whose Brain Grew Out Of His Arse
* Help, My Son Is a Spoilt Attention Seeker Who I Believe Has ESP. I'm Really That Weak, Insecure And Gullible
* The Laughing Rapist-A profile of Roger The Clown
* The Woman Whose Teeth Exploded One Saturday in Marks and Spencer
* Diary of an STD Addict
* The Pissed and The Serious: The Story of the Mini Motorbike and the Knobs That Ride Them
'I'm glad these mini motorbikes are being crushed. Not because they are noisy or they are anti-social but for the sole reason that the plebs who ride them look so dorky and pathetic with their legs sticking out. It's just a shame that these modern day clowns won't be crushed while strapped in to their toys. That would make good tele, eh? Now...when is someone going to deal with 4x4 owners and their families in the same way...'
Neighbours
An ex-neighbour, or rather some toothless harpy, who sort of moevd in with my dishevelled neighbour called Sean.
'My neighbour's laugh...HER laugh really is the ugliest sound in the world. It inspires murderous thoughts.'
Hype
'The only thing you can be sure of is that when there's a hype, YOU KNOW it's going to be shit. YOU KNOW that the 'tastemakers' and the media are fucking hopeless, and wouldn't know a good thing if it stabbed their dying father in the face.'
That Sudanese Bear thing
'200.000 teachers marched across Europe yesterday to demand that Sudan be given 80 lashes after it emerged that President Omar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir named his teapot 'Jesus Blood'.'
On shit comics.
'Katy Brand was recovering last night after discovering that her pamphlet of carefully fashioned catchphrases went missing in Whetherspoons. Brand, no relation to archaic Russell, who still has to shoot to fame for her hilarious portrayal of Kate Winslett in her BBC 3 comedy, 'Katy's Fat Anus' as a 'normal' person ad nauseum, long after we've got the joke, is said to be in a state of shock.'
Manesfesto
'I want a Britain where the term 'aspiration' should no longer go hand in hand with rewarding stupidity, presenting emaciated models as being an acceptable size, owning child killing SUV's as an acceptable mode of transport which best defines your upwardly mobile status, no longer compete with other mediorce people to attain mediorce aspirations, fame and celebrity, absurd hairstyles, saying the word 'Carbon footprints' or emissions because you think it makes you look great...I demand a Britain that fully realises and understands that Peter Kay is not the comic genius you think he is but a substandard, substitute for the end of the pier acid porridge that spews from the mouth of Roy 'Chubby' Brown.'
Channel 4
'What is particularly hateful about hiring Gok Wan and according to Channel 4 the 'cool and collected' Miss Nicky Hambleton-Jones (who by the way looks at least in her late 40s. Maybe she's actually 58. Result!) is that some sadistic fuckers have looked at these new media reprobates, their lack of style and thought, 'Cool. Let's give them a series!'
Dr Tanya Byron
'I can't quite put my finger on what it is I hate about Dr Tanya Byron.'
Shit music magazines.
'Wouldn't it be great if the NME folded?'
Sean Kingston
'I'd hate to have him babysitting my niece. Just look at his face when he ogles the girls in his music videos. It's evil.'
On Ed Balls
'...with Balls...I don't know. Something cuts deeper. I've always found that man deeply, deeply unpleasant. It's not that he would look like a Nazi if his terrible hairstyle was shaved off, it's not the disdainful way he comes across in interviews when he's losing, always losing the arguments. Unlike most New Labour MP's, who shrug off questions with irrelevant and patronising statistics and untruths, Balls has that twinkle of murder in his eyes as he tries to maintain his dignity. I don't like it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was discovered that he'd beaten up women or bullied old people.'
Crap columists
'I've always found Melanie Philips (pictured) for any number of reasons a bit of a bore. Haven't you? Why not tell her? http://www.spectator.co.uk/melaniephillips/ '
'Meh' artists like Martin Creed
'It's OK to evolve, Martin! Try it someday. He should do a video installation, a self-portrait called Being Repeatedly Punched In The Face. '
Jennifer Love -Hewitt
'Having had the misfortune to see 'The Ghost Whisperer' which we know is addictively shit, it appears that Jennifer Love-Hewitt is apparently relaunching her country and western music career. WHAT CAREER?'
A TV writer that used to be funny.
'Fuck off, Richard Curtis, you boring old bastard. And you look like the Spitting Image puppet of Barry Norman.'
A scary, scary person.
'Timbaland must immediately stop appearing in videos. What's with his eyes? His he blind or something...'
Scary teens.
'Imagine the film 'Terminator 3-Rise of the Machines' and substitute it for chavs. It’s a terrible vision of the future isn’t it?'
Shit coloumists part 2
'Jan Moir has died of dubious causes. Apparently a knife wound to her jugular. A bottle of Amyl Nitrate was discovered lodged up her fat arse. Hmm...I find nothing suspicious about this death knowing how many people she pissed off with her poor prose about gay popstars.'
Peter Kay
'When he dies I doubt Bolton would get over it. They'd erect a big fuck off scary statue that will scare the sensitive souls and re-release 'Armarillo' as a kind of demented 'Candle in The Wind.' '
James Cordon
'Don't insult our intelligence Corden. But because like Kay, he's in your face like vomit and spittle from an unpleasant patient in a care home, and he's cuddly, he's some kind of genius. Right.'
Bad incidental music mixes on terrible kids TV shows.
'What's the point of Murray Gold? Oh, he writes the incidental music for Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures! Right. So what's the point of incidental music? Well it's kind of music that plays underneath a scene, sets the tone, adds atmosphere, etc. Although incidental music works better when it's unobstrusive. However in Gold's hands unobtrusive is the equivalent of a kid smearing your face with baby food, and laughing. It's as unobtrusive as a Guardian columist's personal life.'
Yeah, you get the point.
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