The Peter Principle or Pop! Goes Peter Kay's Career

Following yet another DVD of 'recent' material with its unforgettable jokes and his appearances on Michael Parkinson chat show, 'Best Before' can bring you an exclusive extract from Kay's new routine.

Peter Kay: Alternative comedy? Eh? What's that about? Can't be doing wi it! It's all Japanese to me! Remember that song, 'Turning Japanese'? There was this kid at our school who looked Japanese. Remember them?

No laughter.

Garlic bread! Big light! Mr T, eh? Remember that? Mobile discos? It's all mobile phones now innit? Aren't northerners funny? The things they say in our street. Home bargains, eh? What's all that about? Saint and Greavsie? He couldn't stop laughing at Greavsie could our Saint? Remember 12 " singles! They went on FOREVER! Michael Knight , eh? Remember Kitt? He were right snooty weren't he? Remember the 70s? We used to ask Ice Cream man for any broken cornets! 'Hey! Got any broken cornets?' Brass buttons! Best butter! Aren't old people funny? The things they say! You have to speak up!

The silence is deafening. Forever more.

Smirnov: Having had the misfortune to catch Kay's 'Pop Goes The X Factor...' recently it's clear that as many have said, he is just another one trick pony. Sure many critics have claimed that this show largely failed because, well the original target, was far funnier and desperate. Those who enjoyed the show have claimed that it's a bit of fun, and the malcontents just didn't 'get it'. Ah, that old phrase. 'didn't get it.' What's to 'get'? Yes we are aware that it resembled a satire, yes we are plainly simplistically aware of its perceived 'target.'. We know, although it's five years out of date it is a worthy target. But why is it not funny? Why is it not more harsh? I'm sick of toothsome soft comedy. And if the single release from the show 'The Winner's Song' is not supposed to be lapped up by squealing Kaylites, why are they buying it? Is this all part of the satire. 'We hate the X-Factor but what the hell...might as well get the single and DVD?' Don't those fuckers 'get it'!?

As you can guess I've never been a fan of this sacred cow, although I can acknowledge when my arm's been twisted, that Phoenix Nights does have it's moments. To me that's where Kay could work. He can clearly play comic characters to some average and competent extent when the material is well written, 'Max and Paddy' aside. But he'll never be Peter Sellers. You have to wonder if there is anything new, progressive and original in there. Especially his stand up stuff. What's left after all the observational stuff about the 80s, old adverts, music, big lights and garlic bread? Like the X-Factor which is very much a parody of itself, will the same fate await Kay? Will there be an endless season of Peter Kay stand-up at the Bolton Albert Halls, a one man tribute to himself, a kind of low level Elvis in Vegas where night after night Kay just recounts his weary gags night week after week, until someone does us all a favour and knocks down the Bolton Albert Halls and the council it's attached to, just to give us some peace? I'm already tired of Kay trying to create historic chat show moments by being prickish on Parky. I can't bear to think that there'll be more. I can't bear it. But that's not all. You too can re-experience his wit time and time again with the announcement of yet ANOTHER DVD Christmas release of 'Special K', a compilation of old material, Parky appearances and the naff Geraldine McQueen skit, accompanied by his shit eating gurn. It's good to be the Kay.

Electric Dreams Part 5: Phil Oakey goes shopping!

Hi-ya!

I love shopping, me. Always loved it, ever since my first visit to Wigan Centre Arcade in 78. I remember marvelling at the then futuristic escalators ferrying people to and from the delights of D/E/R and the Gas showrooms. The lights and glass. It was like I was inside 'Logans Run' or something. You know, some people have problems with shopping malls, especially these days but I think they're fascinating places. They still bewitch me today. They attract all the dregs, the alienated, the deluded, the fashionatas, the wannabe's, the lost and loose...it's basically a patchwork of post 20th century society. (Christ I sound like I've been at the Yorkshire booze again!) In fact me and the girls wanted to record the lost Abba song, 'I am the city' in 93. We never did though. Couldn't be arsed.

When I was growing up there was nowt around. Most pubs were full of old blokes drinking pints o' mild and the town centre was full of butcher's, fishmongers and rolling fruit and veg stalls. Older generations often moan when a big supermarket is built over a stadium or a field but they're the first one's through the door when it opens. When the shopping centre in Leeds was modernised sometime in the late 70s, early 80s it was as if someone had dropped a piece of New York into the place. It was like going from three channels on TV to about a thousand! It would no longer be like 1962 everyday! Now when I go into Leeds every fortnight to get me mix CD's, a few science fiction DVD's and a couple of mags I like it. It's like I'm still going out with me pocket money and buying the things I've earned the right to buy. I do miss the old 12" singles it has to be said but what can yer do? The last DVD's I bought were 'The Ghost Whisperer', 'Supernatural', the last season of 'Doctor Who' and season one of 'Ashes To Ashes'. I lap 'em all up, me! Magwise I buy 'Dreamwatch' and 'Word' magazine.

As for Crimbo shopping, I'm not so keen wi' it. All those people panic buying bread and milk just for one soddin' day. Doesn't make sense to me. It sickens me actually. All the crap that goes to waste because a few piss pots with eyes bigger than their bellys, wi wallets more packed than their heads, don't give a fuck. It isn't fucking 'Threads' you know. Even when there's more than a few times when you pray it was. You practically will the apocoplypse.

This will be my last entry till 2009. I've got a tour and a new album to concentrate on for now. I'd like to thank Smirnov Kool for offering me a place to vent, give advice and to talk about stuff and to Richard Hawley for giving 'Louise' a new lease of life with Tony Christie. You should buy his album, 'Made in Sheffield' It's boss. Lastly thank you to all the visistors of this blog for making me feel right welcome. As Arnie said, 'I'll be back...believe it baby...' or something like that.

We'll always be together.
x

Phil

Philip Oakey's Electric Dreams Part 4: Technology

Hi Ya!
Been a while, 'an't' it? I've been rehearsing with the League for a tour in November/December. I want to talk to you about computers and technology. I'll try my hand at anything me, cooking, surfing, swimming and driving, even pie eating but technology and me don't mix that much. Just because I know my way around a synth or two you'd be forgiven for thinking that I'd be well into computers. Wrong!

Like most of yer us simple Yorkshire folk still get wound up big time by computer viruses, printer problems and internets. For this blogsode I'm gonna do my best to give you clinical, Human League advice on how to tackle problems with yer computers and wi new technology in general. This blog entry has been programmed with you in mind. The solutions normally sort my problems out.

FISHING
You might see this term misspelt as 'phishing'. But it's wrong. Because it's actually people who email you and 'fish' for information such as your bank details, birthdates, phone numbers and star signs. Nowt to with 'Ph'. It's FISH.

Solution. Tell them to fuck off. Send a virus to them. Then do what my mate calls a 'system restore'.

Computer Hijacks
I'm not suggesting for a minute that someone's gonna make your computer fly itself to Libya or throw itself at a building. But some sad bastard from Malayasia, Moscow or Miami, some low-life with spots, bad wind and no girlfriend have the technology to take over your compewters and can easealy direct your broswrs to porn sites, casinos or even dick about in your blog accounts making you slpell fings wrong cause phil oakley is a bastard...Don't worry you haven't been hacked. I was just joking. Course I know how to spell. And I'm not really a bastard.

Solution. System restore. Or go to download.com. There are things there. You baSAtards.

Viruses/Worms
These little bastards, once in your system are difficult to flush out. You can drink as much water as possible and take loads of headache tablets but the virus is still there, hiding away, and messing up your insides. Now I'm told if you reinstall your computer it pretty much has the same effect. I've had to replace a few computers because of these monsters. Some of you will be aware that it's these so called anti-virus firms that offer the solution. That's kind of like some drug pusher offering able get your kids off smack.

Solution. Invest in an Apple Computer. And Don't take smack.

GUITAR HERO
Don't get me started on this. I'm sick of hearing about it. I blame Guitar Hero for the spate of dinosaur rock acts infecting the album charts and the television. I blame Guitar Hero for the shite that's Nickelback or Kid Rock. Where's the fun in mauling a plastic thing and getting some screeching, unrestrained notes out of it? How rock n roll is a computer game for kids anyway? Can't imagine a 'Punk Hero' or 'Vocal Hero' or 'Porn Hero' meself. What about 'Synth Star'? Thought not. Face it, Guitar Hero is karaoke for failed rock stars. It's shit as well.

iPhone
i know. It's been out for ages. Haven't got one. Well...all right. I have. Fuckin' love it. Don't know how to work the thing or make calls...but it can time my egg for me.

Wii
Old news. I've been hearing of folk getting 'wii elbows'. Honest to God. On Sarah Palin's life! Fraid it's a bit like Guitar Hero for me this white rabbit. I did pop into Leeds a month ago and pick myself one up. But it's a lot of nonsense, not as infectious or romantic as Ping Pong or Asteriods. That's the problem with computer games culture it's taken youth culture out of the amusement arcades. They were great places to meet up, date girls, have a smoke, tap your mates for cash and ask the lady at the change counter for a coffee! And you could listen to the latest pop songs by The Human League.

Well that's it for today. I'm off to Zavvi in Leeds. Well tomorrow. When it's open. If it's not raining.

Philip Oakey is currently listening to Neon Neon's 'Stainless Style' album. He has also provided the song 'Louise' for Tony Christie's forthcoming album 'Made in Sheffield'.

For more info about the tour
http://www.nme.com/news/human-league/40523

Martin Creed: Work Shy

I like art, its meaningless, its sincerity, how it evolves, devolves, explores, implores, holds up mirrors, smashes them to pieces, distorts time, space and place, distrusts, confesses, rejects, confronts, entertains and enlightens. I love it. Honest. I like art when it's beautiful, when it's ugly, how it can arouse or molest the senses. I've seen it in Rothko, in Gormley, with Hopper, Caulfield among quite a long list of others...but I've yet to feel anything significant about Martin Creed, particularly in his recent installation Work 850. I wasn't exactly endeared when I came across Work 227: Lights going on and off. I'll allow Channel 4's Jon Snow and Nicholas Glass to take up the background, for those of you who have been buried under Martian ice.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1529573111?bclid=1640055074&bctid=1640111623

I'm not the first and I won't be the last to stake the claim that Creed comes across as a lazy, self-indulgent, bullied, cop out, that his work embodies everything that is just plain wrong about The Turner Prize and all those 90s Brit artists that were fashionable for about two hours. I just find his work mediorce. Why the press interest? Why the hype? I can see that, beyond, the lack of concept, there is something vaguely intriguing, if not unoriginal, about people running through art galleries like arseholes, especially if they are pretentious artists being chased by masked knife men.

If this project had been conceived by someone else, say Bob Champion or Mary Decker, then it would have some mileage. But from the prism of Creed's psyche, and we know he has form, you get the understandable inkling that his cynical, smug, bad judgement has got the better of him again. It feels as if he gives most of his projects about 5 seconds thought while he's on the bog, which incidentally, I reckon he rather enjoys a bit too much.

It's OK to evolve, Martin! Try it someday. He should do a video installation, a self-portrait called Being Repeatedly Punched In The Face.

BEST BEFORE USA: You The Jury

I'm on my way back from the land of the free, having secured two more interviews with two more of the US's contributions to popular culture. In this final episode I managed to catch up with Judge Judy and star of 80s sit-com, Different Strokes, Gary 'what you talkin' bout Mr D' Coleman.

First up, all rise for Judge Judy.

On accusations that her show is nothing but smoke and shadows
Baloney! You got that. Bal-on-ey!

On Judge John Deed
You kiddin' me? I don't get it. Judge John Deed. You blowin' smoke up my ass? I don't get it. It's a joke right?

On Charlie Bucket
You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which has to be washed and sterilised! So you LOSE! You get NOTHING! Good day sir!

On the Golden Girls
Ssh...ssh.. listen up! I ain't no golden girl, dumb ass! I never been on that dumb show, got that?

On Justice
You want the death penalty then you flick the switch! Go ahead sunshine! Knock yourself out!

On me and my blog
Get a job, punk! What! You mean to say people actually read this stuff? They don't? Take my advice tough guy, you wanna be a big shot, then watch your mouth! Zip it! Security!

I was then escorted away from the hotel lobby.


Gary Coleman. The Starbucks Years.

On Fame
You know...it's one thing being that cute freakshow kid on TV in the 80s but I gotta live too. I have a life. I gotta bring home the bacon. Even when the pigs are laughing at me.

Whatchatalkin'bout...
I kinda hate that thing. I can still make five hundred bucks everytime I say that phrase but you know...Mr T makes more cash than I do...and now they get someone else to pretend to be me for cell phones. You want me to say it, dontcha? You don't? C'mon, man! Here's the deal...a hundred bucks and I'll say it here and now, right in this shopping mall...C'mon! Tell ya what! Special discount...five bucks...just five bucks...Whass the matter...c'mon! I need this. I really need this. Where you at?

(By now I've grown bored and vacant so I take my leave)
Sorry Gary, I have a plane to catch.

BEST BEFORE USA: Millan Dollar Man

Continuing with our US edition of Best Before December, today we caught up with Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer fame to ask him for his views on the state of America, Sarah Palin, cats, Lacoste and the American race for President.

On The New World Order
It's like Planet of the Apes, you know...but one day, as sure as I am of the beard on my face, the new world order shall come. Dogs will be our masters and we will all have to be kept on a leash.

On Sarah Palin
You know, pit bull's shouldn't wear lipstick. Her temperament is all wrong. She needs to learn respect the hard way. Then one day she could get her rewards and join the pack of dogs in the White House. Maybe. Til then her master has to be brave and put a muzzle over her stupid yankee mouth.

On Cats
They should be exterminated. They are cold, selfish, verminous creatures. You know, they distract the Canines in a way that I don't like. You can't domesticate them, you know? Cats are not smart , funny or cute. Their owners have no control or self-discipline. They're a bit strange, no? I guess they brought Aids into this world.

On religion
God is a dog, no? Think about it. (Cesar beams for a long time)

On Lacoste
Lacoste is my friend. Lacoste doesn't judge. I never wear the same shirt for than one day in my life. If I could never buy Lacoste I would kill something.

Eating habits
If you wanna be the natural pack leader you have to eat from the same bowl as your dogs. You have to live like a dog to conquer the divine species. I do this all the time. Dogs.

Obama/McCain
You know, I'm not so sure they are brave enough to make the US a state of Mexico. Don't think they are ready for that challenge. I hope I live to see the day when the future president of the United States is a German shepard dog or a Beagle. In Mexico.

On the near future
I can't see myself doing ths forever. Something's calling me, you know, to the wild. I see the sunset of my life being the leader of a pack of wolves...in the mountains...before I am killed by a silver bullet one careless winter day...

BEST BEFORE USA: Bunnel of a gun

For the next couple of posts America's cultural icons give us an overview of what it means to be an American in the Election year, and importantly, what they would do if they were the President of the USA. We start with Sheriff (Retired) John Bunnel.

On Religion
That slammer in the sky is sure gonna be full come the day of Judgement.

On Security
What concerns me, when I lock up my car, or say goodnight to my kids, are punks, tramps, hobos, homos, yakking liberals and commies. Every country in the world has issues with shankings, ammo sandwiches, Jesus juice and abortions but how many 'o these crazy 'lil places would be man enough to put Tasers under their child's pillows at night, or give them a darn cold Uzi to pack into their luncnbox for their first day at Junior High, huh?

On fame
In the US, 'celebrity' is a dirty word right now. But try tellin' that to the lowlife's who come up to me and bug me for my autograph's, only to mistake me for that Frankenstein guy outta 'The Munsters'! Go figure!

McCain or Obama
Would you guys be comfortable voting for a guy who's name rhymes with Osama?I ain't met a soul who disagrees with me. I know what box I'll be checking, and if you're in any doubt where my loyalty lies just come and take a look in my refrigerator. What does it say on my packet of fries, huh? Can you see it? McCain. Everytime!

Guiltiest pleasure
Shooting pool with Hilary Clinton. Man that gal's got good eyes!

How do you relax?
I kinda get a kick outta chasing punks on the freeway in my helicopter and then goin' back to my crib an' layin' down some cold, hard freestylin' rhymes! My favourite line is 'that good kid gone bad is gonna be a dead punk well done'.

Sheriff John Bunnel has not approved this message.

(Phil Oakey is rehearsing with the Human League. He'll return in a couple of weeks-Ed)

Balls to you!

I don't normally DO politics. But this prick might as well be the Jack Straw that broke the camel's back. Nothing personal but it's the last (Jack) Straw for this pantheon of sterile, hateful, spineless, grey pieces of crap that have fucked the country in the arse and proceeded to defend their back door totalitarian manifesto.

To be fair he's probably no more awful than the Milliband's, the Hewitt's, the Hodge's, the Blears', the Smith's and the Burnham's. The jury is out to whether he's more awful than James Purnell, and all the other sixth form simpletons that make up this weak excuse for a government. Let's be under no illusion as to the opposition. They are no more relevant. David Cameron has realised he best stands a chance by his own pale imitation of New Labour. I'm sure the Tories will get in not on their own merits but because New Labour are so fucking piss poor!

But with Balls...I don't know. Something cuts deeper. I've always found that man deeply, deeply unpleasant. It's not that he would look like a Nazi if his terrible hairstyle was shaved off, it's not the disdainful way he comes across in interviews when he's losing always losing the arguments. His defensive and aggressive nature are behind his eyes when challenged with reasonable questions. Unlike most New Labour MP's, who shrug off questions with irrelevant and patronising statistics and untruths, Balls has that twinkle of murder in his eyes as he tries to maintain his dignity. I don't like it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was discovered that he'd beaten up women or bullied old people. I don't like his ass kissing of Gordon Brown. I hate his speeches, his pretentious language. I don't want a future where Ed Balls' visions of education has come to pass. I don't TRUST him. I want him out. There's something creepy about him as well. I don't want him coming to my school and asking me boring questions that not even he cares about, such as 'Do you kids ever self-harm in your spare time?'

Even if we were to discount his lack of charisma, as with the above politicians, he still has no substance or progressive argument. He's no more than an automaton. Essentially that is what kind of society this government wants, and what kind of government they want. In their hands your lives are nothing but casinos.

Philip Oakey's Electric Dreams Part 3: Sex and Relationships

Hi-ya! Now then. How are yer? Not so bad, eh? I wouldn't normally do this unless you were my niece or nephew but for the benefit of this episode I'd like you to call me Uncle Phil, right? Because I'm gonna be your agony uncle for the next few hundred and odd words.

Here's some quick advice. Forget all that stuff in girly glam mags. They know nowt about relationships much less about sex. All that lot weren't brought up wi Ready Brek and Marmite like us normal folk. They're staffed by test tube babies, spinsters, common lesbians amd saturday girls. Trust me. I'm a popstar! Been there, done it, got the scars and cheap t-shirts to prove it. There's not much that you haven't seen in a cheap porno that I haven't done in me time, I can tell yer. As for love affairs well I've had my heart broken on the four corners of the globe in different time zones and it ain't been too pretty. I've written about love, obsession, sex...sung about 'em. When I stepped out to perform 'Don't You Want Me' in '81 I fucking lived it! So today I'm gonna answer some of the questions I often get asked about relationship issues, and help sort your love lives out.

1. MY FELLA'S A BIT OF A PONCE. SHOULD I SEND HIM PACKING?

Well, love. Some folks used to say I was a bit of a ponce in my youth what wi me make-up and that... but let me tell yer...I soon had a nice surprise for the more curious of them in the bedroom! If some of those bedsits in Leeds could talk! No, but seriously you have to look deeper. Folk are complex things. Does he put shelves up for yer? Does he like a pint and a pie with the lads once in a while at the Sheffield match? There you go then! I'll think you'll find, love, that down south 'ponce' means something completely different entirely and I'm sure we wouldn't judge you on this basis, would we?

2. I'M A BIT WORRIED THAT I CAN'T PLEASE THE MISSUS...AS I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES. DOES THIS MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A BLOKE?

Don't be daft. I've met blokes who can't hold a snooker cue or cricket bat properly. It's like owt else. You need practise...lots of it...and an understanding wench who doesn't laugh at yer, who you can trust completely. If she laughs at yer, chuck her and get a bird who is totally open, honest and can share a pint and a pie wi. Get some practice, mate, and don't be afraid of getting yer yed down once in a while. You'd be surprised what she'll do for you in return.

3. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A THREESOME BUT I'M NOT SURE MY WIFE WOULD BE UP FOR IT. WHAT CAN I SAY TO PERSUADE HER?

You're not missing much. Nothing's ever good as it's cracked up to be in reality. The guilt, the regret, the shame and feelings of inadequacy never really go away. Use your imagination instead. It's safe, it's discreet, it's clean, and with regards to prospective partners, well, the world's your oyster alive or dead. Just the other day I had a threesome with Steffi Graff and Dr Miriam Stoppard. It were different!

4. I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX. I FEEL A BIT REPULSED.

The only member of the same sex I've ever fancied was yours truly when I once caught my reflection in the dressing room mirror in 1980 before I was due onstage. I felt no guilt or shame about it at all...and let's face it, most of my sex life, like many blokes, has been spending many a night and day playing pocket billiards...and that's far from repulsive. I don't care who you are, where you are, what you are, what you're supposed to believe and how you're told to feel, you can't change nature or who or what turns you on. No two ways about it. Human nature.

5. IT'S MY FIRST DATE NEXT WEEK. I'M NERVOUS. ANY ADVICE. I REALLY LIKE THIS BOY BUT I DON'T WANT TO MESS IT UP. WHAT IF HE ASKS FOR A KISS?

Relationships and dates aren't always about shagging and blow jobs. Whatever you do, whether you're a boy or girl, gay or straight, is to make your partner feel good about themselves. You don't have to have money or as my old mate Jermaine Stewart once said, take your clothes off to have a good time. Make 'em something to eat now and again, like a butty with a cuppa. Do something nice for them like pick them up ten Bensons from the seven o'clock shop. Take them for a walk somewhere nice like the Trafford Centre. Don't tell 'em you care. SHOW them!

As for first dates, well, greet them with a peck on the cheek at the start, get all that nervous tension out your system. If they wanna go further and you're comfortable wi it, then take it slowly. Maybe you could bring each other a little bag of sweets, like some jelly babies or a packet of Mentos, or make them a mixtape of your favourite Human League tunes. Little things like that will go a long way. In most cases first dates never lead anywhere so don't worry too much, just have a nice day out. You'll meet the right person when you least expect it.

As for those of you who have had it up to here with relationships and all that palava, or don't ever think you'll meet anyone and will spend your days being lonely, well, just think of the cash you can save, and it'll mean you have extra time to go into Leeds every fortnight to buy some mix CD'S.

See yer!

NEXT TIME: Phil Oakey solves your computer problems.

Bored Bitch

I've always found Melanie Philips (pictured) for any number of reasons a bit of a bore. Haven't you? Why not tell her? http://www.spectator.co.uk/melaniephillips/