Best Before End: Thank You For The Music

According to Pop Justice the best album of 2010 is...(drum roll/rolls eyes) Happiness by HURTS. Pop Justice are of course entitled to like what they like and to have an opinion about it. Here's mine. It's really not very good. Wonderful Life is ace, Better Than Love is ace but the rest of the album is two guys posturing as if they are Tears for Fears/Black/Blanmange/Lotus Eaters/ insert name of generic 80s band here. The tracks sound like they've been put through the Guy Chambers cliche blender. It's not a good album, and any comparisons to Pet Shop Boys are particularly daft. Pet Shop Boys make better music, Pet Shop Boys are more original, Pet Shop Boys are Better Than Hurts.

But if PJ wants to champion this, along with many misfires it has in the past, and write about the damp squibs and X Factor with any kind of passion and continnual irrelevance than that is really up to them. It is, I suppose, a harmless, curious website which could have something going for it, if for the life of itself, it knew what it really wanted to be. At the moment it seems to thrive off pretending to really, honestly, really like cheap pop music, especially the pop music that seems to be fiddled into the ear lobes of the great unwashed via the medium of ITV. This is wrong. Not because there is anything wrong about music of all types but because, well, at a time when there is genuinely more exciting pop music around like Grum, Aeroplane and Cut Copy, to name three, PJ forever feels that the burning discvoveries or pointless inanities we, the reader, really, really have to know about, because it's so amazing is/are: The Saturdays, JLS, Mini Vida, X Factor, Scouting For Girls, Girls Can't Catch (remember them?) X Factor, Alesha Dixon,  and oh yeah, X Factor! Of course PJ mentions Gaga, Kylie and even Pet Shop Boys every so often to show that they are normal like everyone else. But they prefer their pop stars to be wank, have no stage presence, be totally ordinary, or pointlessly overblown and to make shit music that doesn't set a matchstick alight, let alone the charts or people's imaginations. Because ooh, that's what you don't expect! Music journalism it ain't.

BEADY EYE

The name of this band is like a pisstake. It's what me and a pal would have come up with to extend the career of a fictional rock star who has lost his mind and ability to make music. Funnily enough the NME don't get this. They believe that there is obviously enough interest in post-Oasis activity to justify pointless hype about the ex-members of the tribute to Status Quo. I guess this is just one of a million examples of why NME has been shit since 1994. So, does Liam's new band push the boat out? Will we get an album or even at least twenty seconds of something that gives the impression that Liam has matured, has progressed, wants to experiment, wants to rip up the rule book and redefine, nay, reform his musical ways, that once defined the conservative, bland pop of the 90s? Will he? Does he? On balance, so far, does he fuck? Same old same old. It's like there was no music created after 1966. Let's have a look at the album cover. Perhaps we'll get something modern, that will piss on the idea of Liam and his pals being some old retro, pub rock band...

Right, remember what I was saying at the start of this article, 'bout me and my pal making up fictional bands? This is what a fictional album cover would look like. I'll give Beady Eye their dues. They are good for a laugh.

BIFFY CLYRO

I don't get it.

Best Before End Part: The Future of Television

Cunts.

We're already fucked. This is a photograph of the 'cast' from ITV 2's high end 'soap' The Only Way Is Essex. I had the misfortune to catch this while endlessly channel hopping, because when you have Virgin Media's 'Medium' package or Freeview, that's essentially what counts for an evenings viewing. For a few minutes I wondered if this was a parody. This idea alone is bad enough. Then I made the link, the truth dawned on me. 'Hang on, this is ITV 2! Of course it isn't a parody.' Yes, readers, these living and breathing Ken and Barbie's are real! Somehow they have money and mobility to be as tacky and as vile as they like and because they are so mind-crushingly stupid, they can't see it, let alone care about it. With phrases and constant banalities like 'Ohmigod.', 'No!', 'Shut up!', they're like a bad Catherine Tate sketch. And they are vile. Take Mark Wright. I don't deny he's good looking and has lots of cash. This doesn't worry me. If he approves of the air-headed orange faced bimbos who hang around him like the smell of unshowered spunk, that's his look out. But he's a cunt. Or it could be the editing to make him out to be a cunt. If he had a brain he'd have some form of empathy. But he wears his ignorance and cunty attitude towards the female members of the cast with that kind of pointless pride that might have been in fashion in Hornblower's time.

That's one of the problems though. These people are dangerous because of the bubble of ignorance and fantasy they live inside. Kind of like typical viewers of ITV 2. You could  suggest that it's all harmless fun, like most 'soaps' or 'reality' shows, or punching a tramp in the face for so long that it makes your fist sore. But if only they were harmless. More than anything NOTHING happens. The characters and the events are so boring. It's not aspirational or inspirational. It's BORING! More than that, hateful. This is what those who complain about this show ruining the image of Essex should be getting riled about. But as ever, this will get pushed onto us at the expense of genuine new talent, such is ITV's quest to be the Heat magazine version of broadcast media. In the media universe the stupid reign supreme. Long live the stupid.



MORGANA SHOW

She can do Fearne, you see?

This came in from a meeting at Channel 4. Idea for a comedy show. Take a wacky, wacky personality kind of like French and Saunders or Catherine Tate and Katy Brand, you know really amusing women who are so talented they don't resort to lazy, stereotyped characters, cliches and  basic catchphrase comedy, and let's create a new show that attacks and satirises really, really hard targets, so that everyone will take a long hard long at the world and be ashamed of themselves. Especially Fearne Cotton. Fuck it, just commission something as awful as those examples with all the worst, overdone aspects. Channel 4 viewers are finally daft enough to put up with the crap we throw at them.

So Morgana. She can do Fearne Cotton you know. According to some on twitter, an impersonation of Fearne just being over enthuisastic is the stuff of legends. It's more iconic and funny than DEL BOY FALLING THROUGH A BAR.  Because you see, Fearne Cotton is a bit enthusastic. Get it? So it's funny. And the fact that it's like this every episode, with Fearne being overly enthusiastic is bound to be funny because it'll knock Fearne Cotton down a peg or to, because Fearne Cotton is an over enthusiastic bitch.And she's a mate and can't stop going on about it and playing the clips on her show, so amused as she is by someone impersonating her.  As we've learnt from Little Britain it's highly, highly amusing to repeat the same basic gag every week, because it makes it funnier and it'll be funnier still when channels devoted to old television programmes repeat the repeated basic gags over and over and over again till the end of time.

But Morgana is actually very clever at creating complex characters, She can do a poor Boris Johnson. Not purposely odd like Reeves and Mortimer portray people but just poor. She can do jokes about people with mental illness. Mental illness is funny without any context isn't it? Don't listen to me Morgana, just let all your mates in Yes Yes Land endow you with faint praise. Fucking wank.

Frankie, minus hair and glasses.

FRANKIE BOYLE

'He looks like a sex criminal.' That's what should be quoted on the back of his book because for all it's logic that's the kind of observation he'd find blisteringly humourous. In a way this lack of logic and randomness to Frankie Boyle's stand up and his terrible show Tramadol Nights is characteristic. You would have thought that if there was something beyond making fun of disabled people, gay people, black people and all the obvious targets for offense he might be onto something. It doesn't challenge anything though. Not even the bounds of taste or taboos. Or audience response to them. Maybe it wouldn't have to if it was funny, which is essentially the only remit of comedy, but there also lies the problem. 'Mock The Week' isn't funny. You can see the desperation and forced laughter on the hosts face. You can hear it in the audience. Not a great breeding ground for comedy. Russell Howard's boss eye makes him vaguley amusing (see what I did there Frankie) and that, bloody useless, whatsherface, Ganeesh Yashmer(?) are hardly inspiring. Boyle's interludes when he wasn't crowd pleasing could be amusing. However he seems to have found his level and will milk it for all its worth, inspiring dozens of pissed up plebs who watch his show to laugh at the unfortunate just because its funny. It's the kind of comedy that comes from a a ginger haired kid with specs who was bullied at school. Very sad. To think that Channel Four had Chris Morris for a while. Tsk.

Best Before End: Human Wrongs

'Bitch'

Her name's Ruby Thomas. This is what she looks like. She might be balding a bit but she has that French look of an enfant terrible, a child actress. She stamped on a mans chest and kicked him to death because, well it doesn't matter, there is no justification. For a laugh probably. According to some reports her looney dad did time for stabbing a taxi driver 28 times. Vegetable mentality.



'Enjoys golden showers'

 This is her homophobic mate, Rachael Burke. In a different life she could work in a bakers, a rough one probably. She got a clip round the ear and told not to stamp on gay men again. Perhaps she'll pee on them for a living. She really looks the type. I post these pics because of course I wouldn't want you to terrorise them for all their living days or make their lives hell. We wouldn't want that.  And the third stooge is,

'Another childish caption'

This muppet is Joel Alexander. It's probably the way the picture's been captured but fuck what has this gormless tosser got going for him? Now I haven't been to the court or to the interviews or was there so I don't know exactly what happened in detail, such as who said what, who started what? None of that matters because Ian Baynham was killed for no reason. You get that? No reason. He didn't rape the girls, bugger them in front of their mothers. He didn't threaten to burn their houses or piss on their cigs. The fact that he was gay is NOT a reason, the fact that he wouldn't stand for their lip is not a reason,  that they were thick cunts, the idea that he might have been pimping them, the fact that the girls might have been pissed up is not an excuse. How long can we go on looking for reasons? These people were responsible. Simple. What is just, if not more hateful, is that through fear, no-one obviously came to the poor bloke's aid.

Let's not look for excuses or try and find ways to understand it. You can't. People unfortunately are cunts, no matter how they get there. You don't need me to tell you what the broad term of 'human rights' mean to most people, and how its being abused at every level everywhere. You would think that in a relatively civillised, western country we understand human rights. We want to protect and look out for each other. Do you? Well you're naive. People are cunts. It's in our nature and even that is not an excuse. But we should know better. You know in less developed socities women and gay people get stoned to death or hanged for fuck all.  If these places got their priorities right we'd be bricking these three fucking cunts to death instead. This is not an issue about 'broken britain' bollocks. Britain and the world was never right to begin with. Depressing, These hate filled, shit faced wankers have no human right to take away Ian Baynham's rights. None.

Right, depressingly here's my next picture.

Can't drive.

This arsehole is Aso Mohammed Ibrahim. He killed a 12 year old girl, Amy Houston. Believe it or not, this alone is not the issue that's causing controversy. It's the fact that as an asylum seeker he won't be deported and the courts recently said he shouldn't be deported. Now I'm not arsed about asylum seekers. Doesn't concern me. What I'm pissed about and rightly so is the idea that because this wanker, who can't even drive, now has a family, to send him back to Iraq would be a breach of his human rights and those of his wife and children. Hm. You wonder if the most humane thing to do for his family would be to lock him in a shed in Siberia and beat it with planks. Or mowing into the cunt with a 4X4. You're talking about a spinless, arsehole who left a girl to die, when she could have easily been saved. Maybe he'll understand if one of his mates mow his kids down. I wonder what it is about some international drivers though. Especially Audi drivers. It's not diffuclt to drive, it's easy to drive fast, it's not hard being aggressive. Why are some international drivers so shite at driving? Do they not have to read signs, or follow the rules of the road in their own country? Have they heard of theory? Or do their mates at driving school just pass them for the sake of it? Christ I sound like Clarkson!

I don't want to be prejuidiced for prejuidices sake but this kind of thing, like the crime above, the lack of regard, the arrogance just makes me want to chuck a nuke at him. It goes back to the Human Rights thing again. What Human Rights? While there'll be victims they and their families will be the ones to lose out. Fuck Ibrahim. He lost his rights when he cowardly, because that's how he acted, when the dumb ass, left a girl for dead. Hopefully one day he'll understand the hard way when he finds himself in a sticky situation. It seems that his case is being looked at and he could be deported. With any luck he'll be back in Iraq. I'm sure he'll have a whale of a time. Wanker.

Endgame

It's probably obvious to you now that the things that have baffled, aroused and angered me will continue to do so for many, many decades. It's something I can't change, nor would I want to. I can't stop people from being stupid motherfuckers though, no matter how much I try and will it.

Over the past five years I have irregularly written and railed against many things, often trivial. Perhaps I should have (and maybe I will at some stage) write about the things that really matter and are worth being angry about, you know, war crimes, intolerance, injustice, attack on liberties and human rights.  None of it will make any difference but it will make me slightly calmer.

I suppose it's with this in mind, and not a heavy heart that my final post will soon be upon you. I plan to end with a four part special. After that this blog will remain untill deleted by the higher power that is Google, for you to read and rail against. I might compile a book version of some stage. I know almost certainly that there is zero interest let alone zero demand but I'm vain enough to publish a copy for myself anyway, be good to read in waiting rooms. So what will follow in four parts will be Best Before End. 

Rebecca Frayn: Talking Shit

I sat down in Sainsbury's yesterday and picked up a copy of The Times. There was some weekend feature about, (sigh) someone I previously hadn't heard of, although I could guess from her surname that she might share something in common with the writer of Copenhagen. It was Rebecca Frayn. Believe it or not it was an irony free, me me me piece about her twins. Hm, not bad publicity for her new 'novel' and her twins, who I'm sure at some stage will use the coat tails of her and the writer of Copenhagen to get on.  But she cares. Do you see? She cares about issues like kids and the environment!

As ever this isn't the main reason for my rage. What occurred to me was, at what level, at what level will this piece appeal to anyone? People with grown up twins? Mothers? Do parents give a shit about other kids? Do parents really give two fucks about how better off other people's kids are? Wouldn't The Times do well to actually print something for the weekend that has more depth? By god we have to care about the trivial plight of others because human beings have a need to talk shit as well as listen to it.

It's why I hate Catalin Moran. I've never read anything by her that spends more time on any given subject that the subject of Catalin Moran. I don't find her cute and inquisitive. She will always be that overweight student who wondered into a studio where they were filming that fucked up excuse for a music programme, 'Naked City'.

None of these people, these columists and me-ist's will ever be as interesting and entertaining as John Peel's digressions were. You just won't. Just promote what you need to promote, write what you're supposed to write about and shut the motherfuck up about you're tiny, cute, banal self-important hang ups. No-one gives a shit.

War on Neighbours?

I'll never understand certain mentalities. Maybe I'm not meant to. I don't even know if I should. If you haven't already guessed it by now from reading this blog, then I'll spell it out once more. Most people disappoint me. If it's not their motivations that get me down, it's their behaviour to others and even the lack of respect they have for themselves. Morrissey's own hatred of the human race is motivated in part by his own background but also how humanity can be measured in its treatment of animals. Although his frustrations aren't always politcally correct. Heaven knows what he'd make of the by now infamous youtube footage of some Bosnian teenage hick hurling puppies into a river. And obviously this doesn't detract from how awful people have been to each other for generations.

Now I'd like to think that I'm relatively tolerant and friendly. I'm considerate and generous. I don't oppress people. Like anyone else I just want to get on in life without as much fuss as possible but even I am prone at times to being pissed off and grumpy.

It only dawned on me recently when I was thinking about Orwell's quote 'If you want a vision of the future imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.' It's encapsulated in everything, war, religion, laughing at the mentally ill on national television in the form of relaity/talent shows, shopper rage, road rage, and keeping up with the neighbours. I'm going to probably add to this with my own slighting of my neighbours which, I understand, far from not being very considerate, doesn't aid my understanding of people's mentalities any further.

Like most of you I want a peaceful life, an easy life, a life where privacy is respected and people are friendly. In some places in the world this would be utopia. But we're always divided, be it race, class, religion, sexuality and age. We're afraid. I understand why peope act like twats, I do. I also understand why, for example, you feel compelled to attack those terrible subhumans next door with a lawnmower, and bury the bits of meat and shit in custard mix, and throw it in a cement mixer. I've been there. I'm still there. If I had the time, resources and desire, I'd like to take a look at the brain cells that help make up these mentalities just to see what motivates them and why it motivates them. In my time I've had post stolen by someone who was done for armed robbery, I've lived above a couple of chavs who never slept and played twatcore at all hours, and didn't seem to respond to polite reminders that they were too loud, and now there's what I can only describe as savages next door. Well, they aren't savages, more like overgrown toddlers to be fair with savage like tendacies. I realise that they haven't lived in a good environment all their lives and the background has been spent living with drugs, violence and crime. But so have others. So even though I can understand it, I don't accept it as a plausible excuse. People have it far worse and they're not complete shitheads. I also understand that people are often motivated by jealousy, spite, personal gain and stupidity. This doesn't make their and others twatty behaviour acceptable.

I'm just not interested, (annoyed at first but now bored) of seeing and hearing the obese overgrown Rick Waller in drag, dragging her flesh in the front yard cluttered with toys, her kiddy pyjamas barely covering her blotchy, pale, lumpy flesh. (What is it about council estates and wondering about all hours of the day, even to the shops in pyjamas? ) I doubt anyone else is too. I don't feel that there's anything to gain or an example to set the kids with her screaming all kids of obscenties at her kids in the most racous, inflated voice possible.  Maybe there's solace with her other half, a typical whippet like jal bird? (It's marginally like living on the set of Shameless, I know. But the house was cheap) Why does it have to be so fucking predictable though? Why can't I be wrong? Snobbery would be justified though. For my part I'm barely encountered or considered. I'm sure I'm viewed upon as an outsider, a snob or a different species. Honestly, I swear you are sometimes stared at in the same way that civilised western visitors are by distant tribes in distant lands. It's like looking at zombies trying to make sense of the iPhone. And I know I'm prejuidiced, having grown up in a similar enviornment I spent so long trying to escape. But nothing changes. People are the same, and they're, as I'm sure have said before, they're devolving to a level where you feel that sterialisation has to be a realistic, almost a mercy option. But in this area, kids are a commodity, even a status symbol. Prison is an honour for them. The cycle will continue. Oxygen wasted.

I hate these people. Everything they stand for. I resent the time and space they occupy, their impact on crime, education, culture and socirty. I hate the way they look, they way they talk and smell. They are no use to anyone, even themselves. While I won't dismiss every one of them, there's really no point trying to be all right on and liberal. It's easy being liberal when you live in a safer environment with your peers, where you never have to come into contact with these morons. That's piss easy. I can do that. At the same time I wouldn't ever take the side of the right wing rags who are just as cuntish, again living in their glass houses of orgies and killing animals, whilst going on an on about immigration, single mothers, when they have no personal experience. In fact all of my issues have always been with stupid white people who we time and time again have to make allowances for, have to clear up after, have to understand and accept their stupidity. So far councils and governments have failed and police do fuck all. Fuck, it's like these people have super powers. They can do what the fuck they want and they know their rights. They don't have to work. They are entitled to training, hand outs and homes and can fuck up as many times as they want and no-one gives a shit. I'm not sure if Britain is broken but if it is, it was shattered a long time ago.

But stupidy is underated. It doesn't come with obligation, skills, common sense, respect or harmony. Stupid people rarely get stressed or have any problems. They may waste our resources and clog the a&e with self-inflicted injuries, they may cause contraversy by having stupid opinions about Raul Moat published on Facebook but they'll survive. They know all about self-preservation and that's to keep having kids. They either don't realise or don't care that they are kept by the government or controlled by the media. It doesn't matter. They will carry on regardless, stressing others, terrorising some and, allowing their lack of social skills and manners to come across as aggressive. They don't have to care because no-one else does.The human race will die out tearing itself apart, one way or another and you can bet that the real underlying cause will be a petty one. As Morrissey says, 'Come, come/nuclear bomb!'

Gold by name (Not by nature unfortunately)

What's the point of Murray Gold? Oh, he writes the incidental music for Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures! Right. So what's the point of incidental music? Well it's kind of music that plays underneath a scene, sets the tone, adds atmosphere, etc. Although incidental music works better when it's unobstrusive. However in Gold's hands unobtrusive is the equivalent of a kid smearing your face with baby food,and laughing. It's as unobtrusive as a Guardian columist's personal life. So tell me, anyone, Murray, why does your music actually interfere with the show and trash EVERY scene it appears in? Why is it so necessary that the theme to the Sarah Jane Adventures has to sound like a demented swashbuckling, mysterious, knockabout, kiddie rompothan, when it's a shite show that isn't as anywhere near as imaginative or thrilling as many of its 80s originals? The main problem I have with his music, apart from being distractingly bad, is the way it tries to force some sort of emotional response from a poor script that should be able to do something WITHOUT music!

I'm not against incidental music, far from it, Vangelis and the editors got it right in Blade Runner, certainly in Chariots of Fire. So why can't BBC get it right? Why can't Murray get it right? I'm sure he has many fans and hardly gets complaints which will vindicate him and stave off any attemtps to push any boundaries, not he's found his happy medium. But for chrisssake BBC get some innovative composers who aren't mates with the producers. I'm sure the Hartnoll brothers could design the sound for the new series. Can't believe Moffat didn't ditch Gold, during his very minor cull. Don't take my opinion.  Make you own mind up.

He's fucking BONKERS!!

Do you see? Do you fucking see? He's a ledge! He raps and you don't know if he's serious or funny? He's a clever cunt, yeah? Bonkers!!Go fuck yo selfs NWA!

GUILT FEST 2 Review

On the grounds where they hold the international balloon festival and where that Ben Fogey filmed part of his 'Country Tracks' series saw the monumental Guilt Festival 2. Due to the recession Beagle 2 couldn't afford to book Benny Andersson Band or Johnny Geddes (despite how much Geddes claims he was here).

Among the tens who attended there were rumours and rumblings about what surprise guest was going to crop up on some hasty duet. Sadly, Thomas Yorke, Selina Dion (tribute act to Celline) or German footballing legend Karl-Heinz Rumminige couldn't be arsed.

In their quest to mythologise the festival, everyone upon entering and getting their cheeks stamped were asked by HTV news and Fucked FM what was their Guilt Fest highlight. One punter offered 'when that bloke out of The Dead Zones mended his bike puncture during 'Weed Me a Pleb For Xmas.' So here are the acts who apepared in order of importance due to the success of their street teams.

THE DEAD ZONES
APESHIT
MUSTARD GAS
VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
TUBBY QUEENS
ASK ASPEL LIGHTSHOW
BOIL IN THE BAG STUS

Personally with Guilt Fest being the nine thousand and fourteenth trending topic on twitter we are seeing that Guilt Fest is becoming THE festival to be at. So here are my own private highlights.


THE DEAD ZONES

Described by some knobhead I bumped into at a concert by the underated Dulux Gloss as a nod to Jame Murphy, a wink to the Wonderstuff you can enjoy, and a casual grope in a new build house to a scratched Belbury Poly bootlegged remix compilation, the Dead Zones were on form. They kicked our faces in. The uncharasmatic front man, Zack Heiss invaded our senses with a suit made from dish cloth, sunglasses so wide you needed four heads and a voice cherished by years of vomiting petrol. When he introduced 'High Def Adulterer' with 'Let's all big up these South African mother fuckers! Let's bring some shitty sunshine to their crappy, simple, fucked up lives! Ye-ahh! Lol! District niiiine!' and produced a vuvuzela which he hurt his knee trying to snap, I nearly choked on my paper cup of mushy peas. One highlight was The Dead Zones bizarre 'Carter USM' version of Lennon's 'Beautiful Boy'.


Set list

High Def Adulterer
Weed me a Pleb for Xmas
Beautiful Boy (Unstoppable version)
Solvent molestation
Armchair Nazi
Mark. E. Smith doesn't give a fuck about you, I don't give a fuck about him too.
Dizzie Rascal (He's WELL BONKERS, the cunting ledge!)
Shut the fuck up and put another shit record on



MUSTARD GAS

Much as already been written about Mustard Gas. Most of it boring and quite irrelevant. This festival was pre-empted by a contraversial war of words between drummer, Andy N and Stevie V (of Dirty Cash fame). It came to a head when Andy N offered the ultimatum 'The first one of us to die is a horse-freaking muppet on the dole!' This had no effect on the hypnotic and bothersome set of postmodern rock/J-pop/dubstep/hauntology. In fairness it was quite crap. A kind of teen Peter Kay-esque crowd pleasing journey into living suicide. Songs such as 'Michael Moore Has Feelings' and the balaeric sun-kissed 'Self Published Failure' were genuinely indulgent, so much so that Jonathan Ross wept.


Set list

Take the chavs to the chambers
I used to be a boyfriend
Michael Moore Has Feelings
Blow Your Whistle (DJ Duke cover)
The White Album in Five Minutes
I liked the Guardian more when I had some money
Barbie Girl (ironic cover of the Aqua classic)
Self-Published Failure


VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
For music writers of the Queitus website, Veronica and the Pissing Mummys represent a kind of Florence and the Machine for non-Dido fans and Zane Lowe loathers. They did fuck all last year untill they infected the charts with their soulful version of the poppy house classic, 'The Only Way Is Up'. Since then, everyone wants to have purple hair, suck lollipops, hold hands, and pretend to be 22 years of age. They want to speak like Sarah Ferguson and be twats. Oh go on. Here's the set list if you must.


Set list

I'm so hapy that I could pee untill I die
The only way is up
Annie Lennox
We're all spirtual (except for Nick Griffin and India Knight)
I don't think...too busy feeling
Cosmos, order me a new heart
Annie Lennox Part 2
The only way is up...again


So that's it. Would have watched them all but I thought I'd have a creep. So what else was going on? There was food as you'd expect. Fairly reasonable I have to say with ice cream vans offering economy burgers at £5.23 and Mr Freeze ice pops a measley £7.50. There was all kinds of shit going down, throwing bricks at Paul Crone, sharing sweat boxes with James Corden and Nick Clegg, or joining the Tubby Queens for an aftershow of baco funk and oral chav homosex. It was all in the spirit of things. Some bloke was asking for a quid to watch the young mothers, and pissed up rich sons having a piss anywhere they could find, once the single cubicle has a queue of about 40 people. And I'll never forget the Silent Disco Culture Beat special which was disappointing.

Come on En-ger-land!

See this guy in the picture, he's not patriotic, he's a nutter. Albeit a harmless nutter. (Oh it's not there anymore. Oh well. Basically it was an eccentric old guy with his body and house all decked out like a neo nazi) Maybe it's where I live but once upon a time all the things I used to view as a novelty and fairly endearing such as barbecues, laminate flooring and small gatherings of the community to watch the football are quite, quite unbearable. Common. I realise that my hatred and derision partly stem from my general dislike of most people but the fear goes deeper. It's the fear of hysteria spilling over and infecting everything, transforming all our lives, dumbing it down further than it is already. And when it's been adopted by the chavs as well, well their tack becomes our tack.

This commercialisation of world cup fever in part isn't just fuelled by The Sun but the supermarkets. You can get England themed tents, sunglasses, pillow cases, wigs, shirts, boots, cakes, bead, tic-tacs, erm flags, bunting, cigs, burgers, pens, gobstoppers, dogs, pubs, council houses, car kits, tortoises, calculators, and lipstick. I tried looking for French and Italian flags in the suprmarket but they didn't have them. It's not so much the ubiquity of it that worries me but the aggression behind it, the mentality, the force behind 'Come on En-ger-land!', not being a rallying cry but almost a call to arms, with death to those who refuse to join in, or get in their bloody way. It's the threat of the English defence league and the BNP, the fear, oh yes, the fear that woe betide us all if England don't at least win the world cup, as our immigrants and basically anyone will get it.

I do love the world cup. Not as much as I used to. The loss of interest is because of the commercialisation, is because of the sponsorships, the naff world cup themed ads and how it's hi-jacked and allowed everyone on to its bandwagon who may have been indifferent. 1982's finals in Spain which remain a big part of my childhood and my life, being the first one I engaged with and even filled duplicate Panini sticker albums is precious to me. I don't want it's memory tainted. I don't want the world cup to be a game of one upmanship on which house has the most ridiculous England decorations and union jacks. It's one of the reasons I'm losing interest. I blame supermarkets, 1966, Euro 96 and people for it being dumbed down. And I blame James Corden for being effortlessly unfunny for trying to hi-jack his own place in its televisual history, the gobshite, with his really shit programme.

So I'll be pleased if England don't do too well. Not because  it'll upset people. I just won't be able to bear the street parties, the forced jollity and the media banging on and on about it, the way they do about 1966, Euro 96, Germans, Argentina, the hand of God and the second world fucking war. Get over it.