Best Before End: Thank You For The Music

According to Pop Justice the best album of 2010 is...(drum roll/rolls eyes) Happiness by HURTS. Pop Justice are of course entitled to like what they like and to have an opinion about it. Here's mine. It's really not very good. Wonderful Life is ace, Better Than Love is ace but the rest of the album is two guys posturing as if they are Tears for Fears/Black/Blanmange/Lotus Eaters/ insert name of generic 80s band here. The tracks sound like they've been put through the Guy Chambers cliche blender. It's not a good album, and any comparisons to Pet Shop Boys are particularly daft. Pet Shop Boys make better music, Pet Shop Boys are more original, Pet Shop Boys are Better Than Hurts.

But if PJ wants to champion this, along with many misfires it has in the past, and write about the damp squibs and X Factor with any kind of passion and continnual irrelevance than that is really up to them. It is, I suppose, a harmless, curious website which could have something going for it, if for the life of itself, it knew what it really wanted to be. At the moment it seems to thrive off pretending to really, honestly, really like cheap pop music, especially the pop music that seems to be fiddled into the ear lobes of the great unwashed via the medium of ITV. This is wrong. Not because there is anything wrong about music of all types but because, well, at a time when there is genuinely more exciting pop music around like Grum, Aeroplane and Cut Copy, to name three, PJ forever feels that the burning discvoveries or pointless inanities we, the reader, really, really have to know about, because it's so amazing is/are: The Saturdays, JLS, Mini Vida, X Factor, Scouting For Girls, Girls Can't Catch (remember them?) X Factor, Alesha Dixon,  and oh yeah, X Factor! Of course PJ mentions Gaga, Kylie and even Pet Shop Boys every so often to show that they are normal like everyone else. But they prefer their pop stars to be wank, have no stage presence, be totally ordinary, or pointlessly overblown and to make shit music that doesn't set a matchstick alight, let alone the charts or people's imaginations. Because ooh, that's what you don't expect! Music journalism it ain't.

BEADY EYE

The name of this band is like a pisstake. It's what me and a pal would have come up with to extend the career of a fictional rock star who has lost his mind and ability to make music. Funnily enough the NME don't get this. They believe that there is obviously enough interest in post-Oasis activity to justify pointless hype about the ex-members of the tribute to Status Quo. I guess this is just one of a million examples of why NME has been shit since 1994. So, does Liam's new band push the boat out? Will we get an album or even at least twenty seconds of something that gives the impression that Liam has matured, has progressed, wants to experiment, wants to rip up the rule book and redefine, nay, reform his musical ways, that once defined the conservative, bland pop of the 90s? Will he? Does he? On balance, so far, does he fuck? Same old same old. It's like there was no music created after 1966. Let's have a look at the album cover. Perhaps we'll get something modern, that will piss on the idea of Liam and his pals being some old retro, pub rock band...

Right, remember what I was saying at the start of this article, 'bout me and my pal making up fictional bands? This is what a fictional album cover would look like. I'll give Beady Eye their dues. They are good for a laugh.

BIFFY CLYRO

I don't get it.

Best Before End Part: The Future of Television

Cunts.

We're already fucked. This is a photograph of the 'cast' from ITV 2's high end 'soap' The Only Way Is Essex. I had the misfortune to catch this while endlessly channel hopping, because when you have Virgin Media's 'Medium' package or Freeview, that's essentially what counts for an evenings viewing. For a few minutes I wondered if this was a parody. This idea alone is bad enough. Then I made the link, the truth dawned on me. 'Hang on, this is ITV 2! Of course it isn't a parody.' Yes, readers, these living and breathing Ken and Barbie's are real! Somehow they have money and mobility to be as tacky and as vile as they like and because they are so mind-crushingly stupid, they can't see it, let alone care about it. With phrases and constant banalities like 'Ohmigod.', 'No!', 'Shut up!', they're like a bad Catherine Tate sketch. And they are vile. Take Mark Wright. I don't deny he's good looking and has lots of cash. This doesn't worry me. If he approves of the air-headed orange faced bimbos who hang around him like the smell of unshowered spunk, that's his look out. But he's a cunt. Or it could be the editing to make him out to be a cunt. If he had a brain he'd have some form of empathy. But he wears his ignorance and cunty attitude towards the female members of the cast with that kind of pointless pride that might have been in fashion in Hornblower's time.

That's one of the problems though. These people are dangerous because of the bubble of ignorance and fantasy they live inside. Kind of like typical viewers of ITV 2. You could  suggest that it's all harmless fun, like most 'soaps' or 'reality' shows, or punching a tramp in the face for so long that it makes your fist sore. But if only they were harmless. More than anything NOTHING happens. The characters and the events are so boring. It's not aspirational or inspirational. It's BORING! More than that, hateful. This is what those who complain about this show ruining the image of Essex should be getting riled about. But as ever, this will get pushed onto us at the expense of genuine new talent, such is ITV's quest to be the Heat magazine version of broadcast media. In the media universe the stupid reign supreme. Long live the stupid.



MORGANA SHOW

She can do Fearne, you see?

This came in from a meeting at Channel 4. Idea for a comedy show. Take a wacky, wacky personality kind of like French and Saunders or Catherine Tate and Katy Brand, you know really amusing women who are so talented they don't resort to lazy, stereotyped characters, cliches and  basic catchphrase comedy, and let's create a new show that attacks and satirises really, really hard targets, so that everyone will take a long hard long at the world and be ashamed of themselves. Especially Fearne Cotton. Fuck it, just commission something as awful as those examples with all the worst, overdone aspects. Channel 4 viewers are finally daft enough to put up with the crap we throw at them.

So Morgana. She can do Fearne Cotton you know. According to some on twitter, an impersonation of Fearne just being over enthuisastic is the stuff of legends. It's more iconic and funny than DEL BOY FALLING THROUGH A BAR.  Because you see, Fearne Cotton is a bit enthusastic. Get it? So it's funny. And the fact that it's like this every episode, with Fearne being overly enthusiastic is bound to be funny because it'll knock Fearne Cotton down a peg or to, because Fearne Cotton is an over enthusiastic bitch.And she's a mate and can't stop going on about it and playing the clips on her show, so amused as she is by someone impersonating her.  As we've learnt from Little Britain it's highly, highly amusing to repeat the same basic gag every week, because it makes it funnier and it'll be funnier still when channels devoted to old television programmes repeat the repeated basic gags over and over and over again till the end of time.

But Morgana is actually very clever at creating complex characters, She can do a poor Boris Johnson. Not purposely odd like Reeves and Mortimer portray people but just poor. She can do jokes about people with mental illness. Mental illness is funny without any context isn't it? Don't listen to me Morgana, just let all your mates in Yes Yes Land endow you with faint praise. Fucking wank.

Frankie, minus hair and glasses.

FRANKIE BOYLE

'He looks like a sex criminal.' That's what should be quoted on the back of his book because for all it's logic that's the kind of observation he'd find blisteringly humourous. In a way this lack of logic and randomness to Frankie Boyle's stand up and his terrible show Tramadol Nights is characteristic. You would have thought that if there was something beyond making fun of disabled people, gay people, black people and all the obvious targets for offense he might be onto something. It doesn't challenge anything though. Not even the bounds of taste or taboos. Or audience response to them. Maybe it wouldn't have to if it was funny, which is essentially the only remit of comedy, but there also lies the problem. 'Mock The Week' isn't funny. You can see the desperation and forced laughter on the hosts face. You can hear it in the audience. Not a great breeding ground for comedy. Russell Howard's boss eye makes him vaguley amusing (see what I did there Frankie) and that, bloody useless, whatsherface, Ganeesh Yashmer(?) are hardly inspiring. Boyle's interludes when he wasn't crowd pleasing could be amusing. However he seems to have found his level and will milk it for all its worth, inspiring dozens of pissed up plebs who watch his show to laugh at the unfortunate just because its funny. It's the kind of comedy that comes from a a ginger haired kid with specs who was bullied at school. Very sad. To think that Channel Four had Chris Morris for a while. Tsk.

Best Before End: Human Wrongs

'Bitch'

Her name's Ruby Thomas. This is what she looks like. She might be balding a bit but she has that French look of an enfant terrible, a child actress. She stamped on a mans chest and kicked him to death because, well it doesn't matter, there is no justification. For a laugh probably. According to some reports her looney dad did time for stabbing a taxi driver 28 times. Vegetable mentality.



'Enjoys golden showers'

 This is her homophobic mate, Rachael Burke. In a different life she could work in a bakers, a rough one probably. She got a clip round the ear and told not to stamp on gay men again. Perhaps she'll pee on them for a living. She really looks the type. I post these pics because of course I wouldn't want you to terrorise them for all their living days or make their lives hell. We wouldn't want that.  And the third stooge is,

'Another childish caption'

This muppet is Joel Alexander. It's probably the way the picture's been captured but fuck what has this gormless tosser got going for him? Now I haven't been to the court or to the interviews or was there so I don't know exactly what happened in detail, such as who said what, who started what? None of that matters because Ian Baynham was killed for no reason. You get that? No reason. He didn't rape the girls, bugger them in front of their mothers. He didn't threaten to burn their houses or piss on their cigs. The fact that he was gay is NOT a reason, the fact that he wouldn't stand for their lip is not a reason,  that they were thick cunts, the idea that he might have been pimping them, the fact that the girls might have been pissed up is not an excuse. How long can we go on looking for reasons? These people were responsible. Simple. What is just, if not more hateful, is that through fear, no-one obviously came to the poor bloke's aid.

Let's not look for excuses or try and find ways to understand it. You can't. People unfortunately are cunts, no matter how they get there. You don't need me to tell you what the broad term of 'human rights' mean to most people, and how its being abused at every level everywhere. You would think that in a relatively civillised, western country we understand human rights. We want to protect and look out for each other. Do you? Well you're naive. People are cunts. It's in our nature and even that is not an excuse. But we should know better. You know in less developed socities women and gay people get stoned to death or hanged for fuck all.  If these places got their priorities right we'd be bricking these three fucking cunts to death instead. This is not an issue about 'broken britain' bollocks. Britain and the world was never right to begin with. Depressing, These hate filled, shit faced wankers have no human right to take away Ian Baynham's rights. None.

Right, depressingly here's my next picture.

Can't drive.

This arsehole is Aso Mohammed Ibrahim. He killed a 12 year old girl, Amy Houston. Believe it or not, this alone is not the issue that's causing controversy. It's the fact that as an asylum seeker he won't be deported and the courts recently said he shouldn't be deported. Now I'm not arsed about asylum seekers. Doesn't concern me. What I'm pissed about and rightly so is the idea that because this wanker, who can't even drive, now has a family, to send him back to Iraq would be a breach of his human rights and those of his wife and children. Hm. You wonder if the most humane thing to do for his family would be to lock him in a shed in Siberia and beat it with planks. Or mowing into the cunt with a 4X4. You're talking about a spinless, arsehole who left a girl to die, when she could have easily been saved. Maybe he'll understand if one of his mates mow his kids down. I wonder what it is about some international drivers though. Especially Audi drivers. It's not diffuclt to drive, it's easy to drive fast, it's not hard being aggressive. Why are some international drivers so shite at driving? Do they not have to read signs, or follow the rules of the road in their own country? Have they heard of theory? Or do their mates at driving school just pass them for the sake of it? Christ I sound like Clarkson!

I don't want to be prejuidiced for prejuidices sake but this kind of thing, like the crime above, the lack of regard, the arrogance just makes me want to chuck a nuke at him. It goes back to the Human Rights thing again. What Human Rights? While there'll be victims they and their families will be the ones to lose out. Fuck Ibrahim. He lost his rights when he cowardly, because that's how he acted, when the dumb ass, left a girl for dead. Hopefully one day he'll understand the hard way when he finds himself in a sticky situation. It seems that his case is being looked at and he could be deported. With any luck he'll be back in Iraq. I'm sure he'll have a whale of a time. Wanker.

Endgame

It's probably obvious to you now that the things that have baffled, aroused and angered me will continue to do so for many, many decades. It's something I can't change, nor would I want to. I can't stop people from being stupid motherfuckers though, no matter how much I try and will it.

Over the past five years I have irregularly written and railed against many things, often trivial. Perhaps I should have (and maybe I will at some stage) write about the things that really matter and are worth being angry about, you know, war crimes, intolerance, injustice, attack on liberties and human rights.  None of it will make any difference but it will make me slightly calmer.

I suppose it's with this in mind, and not a heavy heart that my final post will soon be upon you. I plan to end with a four part special. After that this blog will remain untill deleted by the higher power that is Google, for you to read and rail against. I might compile a book version of some stage. I know almost certainly that there is zero interest let alone zero demand but I'm vain enough to publish a copy for myself anyway, be good to read in waiting rooms. So what will follow in four parts will be Best Before End. 

Rebecca Frayn: Talking Shit

I sat down in Sainsbury's yesterday and picked up a copy of The Times. There was some weekend feature about, (sigh) someone I previously hadn't heard of, although I could guess from her surname that she might share something in common with the writer of Copenhagen. It was Rebecca Frayn. Believe it or not it was an irony free, me me me piece about her twins. Hm, not bad publicity for her new 'novel' and her twins, who I'm sure at some stage will use the coat tails of her and the writer of Copenhagen to get on.  But she cares. Do you see? She cares about issues like kids and the environment!

As ever this isn't the main reason for my rage. What occurred to me was, at what level, at what level will this piece appeal to anyone? People with grown up twins? Mothers? Do parents give a shit about other kids? Do parents really give two fucks about how better off other people's kids are? Wouldn't The Times do well to actually print something for the weekend that has more depth? By god we have to care about the trivial plight of others because human beings have a need to talk shit as well as listen to it.

It's why I hate Catalin Moran. I've never read anything by her that spends more time on any given subject that the subject of Catalin Moran. I don't find her cute and inquisitive. She will always be that overweight student who wondered into a studio where they were filming that fucked up excuse for a music programme, 'Naked City'.

None of these people, these columists and me-ist's will ever be as interesting and entertaining as John Peel's digressions were. You just won't. Just promote what you need to promote, write what you're supposed to write about and shut the motherfuck up about you're tiny, cute, banal self-important hang ups. No-one gives a shit.

War on Neighbours?

I'll never understand certain mentalities. Maybe I'm not meant to. I don't even know if I should. If you haven't already guessed it by now from reading this blog, then I'll spell it out once more. Most people disappoint me. If it's not their motivations that get me down, it's their behaviour to others and even the lack of respect they have for themselves. Morrissey's own hatred of the human race is motivated in part by his own background but also how humanity can be measured in its treatment of animals. Although his frustrations aren't always politcally correct. Heaven knows what he'd make of the by now infamous youtube footage of some Bosnian teenage hick hurling puppies into a river. And obviously this doesn't detract from how awful people have been to each other for generations.

Now I'd like to think that I'm relatively tolerant and friendly. I'm considerate and generous. I don't oppress people. Like anyone else I just want to get on in life without as much fuss as possible but even I am prone at times to being pissed off and grumpy.

It only dawned on me recently when I was thinking about Orwell's quote 'If you want a vision of the future imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.' It's encapsulated in everything, war, religion, laughing at the mentally ill on national television in the form of relaity/talent shows, shopper rage, road rage, and keeping up with the neighbours. I'm going to probably add to this with my own slighting of my neighbours which, I understand, far from not being very considerate, doesn't aid my understanding of people's mentalities any further.

Like most of you I want a peaceful life, an easy life, a life where privacy is respected and people are friendly. In some places in the world this would be utopia. But we're always divided, be it race, class, religion, sexuality and age. We're afraid. I understand why peope act like twats, I do. I also understand why, for example, you feel compelled to attack those terrible subhumans next door with a lawnmower, and bury the bits of meat and shit in custard mix, and throw it in a cement mixer. I've been there. I'm still there. If I had the time, resources and desire, I'd like to take a look at the brain cells that help make up these mentalities just to see what motivates them and why it motivates them. In my time I've had post stolen by someone who was done for armed robbery, I've lived above a couple of chavs who never slept and played twatcore at all hours, and didn't seem to respond to polite reminders that they were too loud, and now there's what I can only describe as savages next door. Well, they aren't savages, more like overgrown toddlers to be fair with savage like tendacies. I realise that they haven't lived in a good environment all their lives and the background has been spent living with drugs, violence and crime. But so have others. So even though I can understand it, I don't accept it as a plausible excuse. People have it far worse and they're not complete shitheads. I also understand that people are often motivated by jealousy, spite, personal gain and stupidity. This doesn't make their and others twatty behaviour acceptable.

I'm just not interested, (annoyed at first but now bored) of seeing and hearing the obese overgrown Rick Waller in drag, dragging her flesh in the front yard cluttered with toys, her kiddy pyjamas barely covering her blotchy, pale, lumpy flesh. (What is it about council estates and wondering about all hours of the day, even to the shops in pyjamas? ) I doubt anyone else is too. I don't feel that there's anything to gain or an example to set the kids with her screaming all kids of obscenties at her kids in the most racous, inflated voice possible.  Maybe there's solace with her other half, a typical whippet like jal bird? (It's marginally like living on the set of Shameless, I know. But the house was cheap) Why does it have to be so fucking predictable though? Why can't I be wrong? Snobbery would be justified though. For my part I'm barely encountered or considered. I'm sure I'm viewed upon as an outsider, a snob or a different species. Honestly, I swear you are sometimes stared at in the same way that civilised western visitors are by distant tribes in distant lands. It's like looking at zombies trying to make sense of the iPhone. And I know I'm prejuidiced, having grown up in a similar enviornment I spent so long trying to escape. But nothing changes. People are the same, and they're, as I'm sure have said before, they're devolving to a level where you feel that sterialisation has to be a realistic, almost a mercy option. But in this area, kids are a commodity, even a status symbol. Prison is an honour for them. The cycle will continue. Oxygen wasted.

I hate these people. Everything they stand for. I resent the time and space they occupy, their impact on crime, education, culture and socirty. I hate the way they look, they way they talk and smell. They are no use to anyone, even themselves. While I won't dismiss every one of them, there's really no point trying to be all right on and liberal. It's easy being liberal when you live in a safer environment with your peers, where you never have to come into contact with these morons. That's piss easy. I can do that. At the same time I wouldn't ever take the side of the right wing rags who are just as cuntish, again living in their glass houses of orgies and killing animals, whilst going on an on about immigration, single mothers, when they have no personal experience. In fact all of my issues have always been with stupid white people who we time and time again have to make allowances for, have to clear up after, have to understand and accept their stupidity. So far councils and governments have failed and police do fuck all. Fuck, it's like these people have super powers. They can do what the fuck they want and they know their rights. They don't have to work. They are entitled to training, hand outs and homes and can fuck up as many times as they want and no-one gives a shit. I'm not sure if Britain is broken but if it is, it was shattered a long time ago.

But stupidy is underated. It doesn't come with obligation, skills, common sense, respect or harmony. Stupid people rarely get stressed or have any problems. They may waste our resources and clog the a&e with self-inflicted injuries, they may cause contraversy by having stupid opinions about Raul Moat published on Facebook but they'll survive. They know all about self-preservation and that's to keep having kids. They either don't realise or don't care that they are kept by the government or controlled by the media. It doesn't matter. They will carry on regardless, stressing others, terrorising some and, allowing their lack of social skills and manners to come across as aggressive. They don't have to care because no-one else does.The human race will die out tearing itself apart, one way or another and you can bet that the real underlying cause will be a petty one. As Morrissey says, 'Come, come/nuclear bomb!'

Gold by name (Not by nature unfortunately)

What's the point of Murray Gold? Oh, he writes the incidental music for Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures! Right. So what's the point of incidental music? Well it's kind of music that plays underneath a scene, sets the tone, adds atmosphere, etc. Although incidental music works better when it's unobstrusive. However in Gold's hands unobtrusive is the equivalent of a kid smearing your face with baby food,and laughing. It's as unobtrusive as a Guardian columist's personal life. So tell me, anyone, Murray, why does your music actually interfere with the show and trash EVERY scene it appears in? Why is it so necessary that the theme to the Sarah Jane Adventures has to sound like a demented swashbuckling, mysterious, knockabout, kiddie rompothan, when it's a shite show that isn't as anywhere near as imaginative or thrilling as many of its 80s originals? The main problem I have with his music, apart from being distractingly bad, is the way it tries to force some sort of emotional response from a poor script that should be able to do something WITHOUT music!

I'm not against incidental music, far from it, Vangelis and the editors got it right in Blade Runner, certainly in Chariots of Fire. So why can't BBC get it right? Why can't Murray get it right? I'm sure he has many fans and hardly gets complaints which will vindicate him and stave off any attemtps to push any boundaries, not he's found his happy medium. But for chrisssake BBC get some innovative composers who aren't mates with the producers. I'm sure the Hartnoll brothers could design the sound for the new series. Can't believe Moffat didn't ditch Gold, during his very minor cull. Don't take my opinion.  Make you own mind up.

He's fucking BONKERS!!

Do you see? Do you fucking see? He's a ledge! He raps and you don't know if he's serious or funny? He's a clever cunt, yeah? Bonkers!!Go fuck yo selfs NWA!

GUILT FEST 2 Review

On the grounds where they hold the international balloon festival and where that Ben Fogey filmed part of his 'Country Tracks' series saw the monumental Guilt Festival 2. Due to the recession Beagle 2 couldn't afford to book Benny Andersson Band or Johnny Geddes (despite how much Geddes claims he was here).

Among the tens who attended there were rumours and rumblings about what surprise guest was going to crop up on some hasty duet. Sadly, Thomas Yorke, Selina Dion (tribute act to Celline) or German footballing legend Karl-Heinz Rumminige couldn't be arsed.

In their quest to mythologise the festival, everyone upon entering and getting their cheeks stamped were asked by HTV news and Fucked FM what was their Guilt Fest highlight. One punter offered 'when that bloke out of The Dead Zones mended his bike puncture during 'Weed Me a Pleb For Xmas.' So here are the acts who apepared in order of importance due to the success of their street teams.

THE DEAD ZONES
APESHIT
MUSTARD GAS
VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
TUBBY QUEENS
ASK ASPEL LIGHTSHOW
BOIL IN THE BAG STUS

Personally with Guilt Fest being the nine thousand and fourteenth trending topic on twitter we are seeing that Guilt Fest is becoming THE festival to be at. So here are my own private highlights.


THE DEAD ZONES

Described by some knobhead I bumped into at a concert by the underated Dulux Gloss as a nod to Jame Murphy, a wink to the Wonderstuff you can enjoy, and a casual grope in a new build house to a scratched Belbury Poly bootlegged remix compilation, the Dead Zones were on form. They kicked our faces in. The uncharasmatic front man, Zack Heiss invaded our senses with a suit made from dish cloth, sunglasses so wide you needed four heads and a voice cherished by years of vomiting petrol. When he introduced 'High Def Adulterer' with 'Let's all big up these South African mother fuckers! Let's bring some shitty sunshine to their crappy, simple, fucked up lives! Ye-ahh! Lol! District niiiine!' and produced a vuvuzela which he hurt his knee trying to snap, I nearly choked on my paper cup of mushy peas. One highlight was The Dead Zones bizarre 'Carter USM' version of Lennon's 'Beautiful Boy'.


Set list

High Def Adulterer
Weed me a Pleb for Xmas
Beautiful Boy (Unstoppable version)
Solvent molestation
Armchair Nazi
Mark. E. Smith doesn't give a fuck about you, I don't give a fuck about him too.
Dizzie Rascal (He's WELL BONKERS, the cunting ledge!)
Shut the fuck up and put another shit record on



MUSTARD GAS

Much as already been written about Mustard Gas. Most of it boring and quite irrelevant. This festival was pre-empted by a contraversial war of words between drummer, Andy N and Stevie V (of Dirty Cash fame). It came to a head when Andy N offered the ultimatum 'The first one of us to die is a horse-freaking muppet on the dole!' This had no effect on the hypnotic and bothersome set of postmodern rock/J-pop/dubstep/hauntology. In fairness it was quite crap. A kind of teen Peter Kay-esque crowd pleasing journey into living suicide. Songs such as 'Michael Moore Has Feelings' and the balaeric sun-kissed 'Self Published Failure' were genuinely indulgent, so much so that Jonathan Ross wept.


Set list

Take the chavs to the chambers
I used to be a boyfriend
Michael Moore Has Feelings
Blow Your Whistle (DJ Duke cover)
The White Album in Five Minutes
I liked the Guardian more when I had some money
Barbie Girl (ironic cover of the Aqua classic)
Self-Published Failure


VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
For music writers of the Queitus website, Veronica and the Pissing Mummys represent a kind of Florence and the Machine for non-Dido fans and Zane Lowe loathers. They did fuck all last year untill they infected the charts with their soulful version of the poppy house classic, 'The Only Way Is Up'. Since then, everyone wants to have purple hair, suck lollipops, hold hands, and pretend to be 22 years of age. They want to speak like Sarah Ferguson and be twats. Oh go on. Here's the set list if you must.


Set list

I'm so hapy that I could pee untill I die
The only way is up
Annie Lennox
We're all spirtual (except for Nick Griffin and India Knight)
I don't think...too busy feeling
Cosmos, order me a new heart
Annie Lennox Part 2
The only way is up...again


So that's it. Would have watched them all but I thought I'd have a creep. So what else was going on? There was food as you'd expect. Fairly reasonable I have to say with ice cream vans offering economy burgers at £5.23 and Mr Freeze ice pops a measley £7.50. There was all kinds of shit going down, throwing bricks at Paul Crone, sharing sweat boxes with James Corden and Nick Clegg, or joining the Tubby Queens for an aftershow of baco funk and oral chav homosex. It was all in the spirit of things. Some bloke was asking for a quid to watch the young mothers, and pissed up rich sons having a piss anywhere they could find, once the single cubicle has a queue of about 40 people. And I'll never forget the Silent Disco Culture Beat special which was disappointing.

Come on En-ger-land!

See this guy in the picture, he's not patriotic, he's a nutter. Albeit a harmless nutter. (Oh it's not there anymore. Oh well. Basically it was an eccentric old guy with his body and house all decked out like a neo nazi) Maybe it's where I live but once upon a time all the things I used to view as a novelty and fairly endearing such as barbecues, laminate flooring and small gatherings of the community to watch the football are quite, quite unbearable. Common. I realise that my hatred and derision partly stem from my general dislike of most people but the fear goes deeper. It's the fear of hysteria spilling over and infecting everything, transforming all our lives, dumbing it down further than it is already. And when it's been adopted by the chavs as well, well their tack becomes our tack.

This commercialisation of world cup fever in part isn't just fuelled by The Sun but the supermarkets. You can get England themed tents, sunglasses, pillow cases, wigs, shirts, boots, cakes, bead, tic-tacs, erm flags, bunting, cigs, burgers, pens, gobstoppers, dogs, pubs, council houses, car kits, tortoises, calculators, and lipstick. I tried looking for French and Italian flags in the suprmarket but they didn't have them. It's not so much the ubiquity of it that worries me but the aggression behind it, the mentality, the force behind 'Come on En-ger-land!', not being a rallying cry but almost a call to arms, with death to those who refuse to join in, or get in their bloody way. It's the threat of the English defence league and the BNP, the fear, oh yes, the fear that woe betide us all if England don't at least win the world cup, as our immigrants and basically anyone will get it.

I do love the world cup. Not as much as I used to. The loss of interest is because of the commercialisation, is because of the sponsorships, the naff world cup themed ads and how it's hi-jacked and allowed everyone on to its bandwagon who may have been indifferent. 1982's finals in Spain which remain a big part of my childhood and my life, being the first one I engaged with and even filled duplicate Panini sticker albums is precious to me. I don't want it's memory tainted. I don't want the world cup to be a game of one upmanship on which house has the most ridiculous England decorations and union jacks. It's one of the reasons I'm losing interest. I blame supermarkets, 1966, Euro 96 and people for it being dumbed down. And I blame James Corden for being effortlessly unfunny for trying to hi-jack his own place in its televisual history, the gobshite, with his really shit programme.

So I'll be pleased if England don't do too well. Not because  it'll upset people. I just won't be able to bear the street parties, the forced jollity and the media banging on and on about it, the way they do about 1966, Euro 96, Germans, Argentina, the hand of God and the second world fucking war. Get over it.

Best Before Election 2010: Aftermath

Well there you had it, you got the government you voted for and possibly deserve. If it's a victory for anyone its for the people over the right wing media who expected a tory shoo in. It wasn't. Everyone struggled for power. The Sun didn't win it. Murdoch's influence slipped. Even Sky's Kay Burley and Adam Boutlon lost the plot when it seemed that their boy may not get the keys to 10 Downing Street.

Kind of says it all.

Normal service will be resumed next time.

BEST BEFORE: Bigoted Woman

Well, I've been ranting my thoughts about law, order and education and touched on daft party political broadcasts. (By the way, I wonder if those holding Tory or Labour placards in the faces of the opposing party when they arrive at rallies, think about what arseholes they look.)

Suppose I should discuss immigration. This might be difficult because so many insecure British people are paranoid about it. Apparently it's the big issue on the doorstep. The biggest issue on my doorstep is the doormat. But because Mrs Duffy is worried about where all the Eastern European immigrants are 'flocking from' then we must therefore share her views and the views of the British people. But hang on...Gordon was right! Duffy is a bigot, isn't she? OK, she didn't use strong language but she mentioned immigrants as opposed to illegal immigrants. Is she confused or am I the one who's bonkers? If you believe everything you read then the issue of immigration must be the number one concern in people's lives...far more than illness, stress, having no money...unless these issues are the fault of the immigrants as well. Surely if this is the main issue on the doorstep and Duffy's language and suggestion is merely mild, you have to wonder the kind of offensive crap that is coming out of people's crooked, brown, gaped toothed mouths. The concern would also have to be why it is that there are so many seemingly ignorant bigots and racists, pissing out the same, lazy cliched, tired bullshit they've picked up down the pub or at the bus stop, as some kind of excuse for why they feel so shit about their lives.  And they feel like victims. I swear, and it's not the first time I heard it, there was some miserable looking bloke in the pub, one weekday afternoon on the news who said to some reporter 'You can't say 'owt these days because you get accused of being a racist.' Hmm, but who would that bother in your world? Your racist mates? Here are some extracts and warning signs that you're hearing bullshit and any further discussion needs to be bypassed.

'They take our jobs'
'Free housing...'
'They're dirty.'
'...spread diseases...'
'They should learn English...'
'I'm not racists but...'
'They shag animals.'
'They're suicide bombers'
'They created the Volcanic ash cloud from that Iceland place...'

Maybe it's progressive of me but in my experience the majority of people with, um, ASBO's for instance happen to be British, mainly white British.  Most people claiming or absusing benefits, taking drugs, pissing their lives away and killing each other happen to be white and British. Diseases, as far as I can gather are due to bacteria but a fair few of this bacteria is spread by British people as well. And before banging on and on about how immigrants should learn English (which the majority do) it'd be a great idea if many British people actually knew how to string an English sentence together that isn't full of complete shit. Jobs? Well you can't knock immigrants for wanting to work, often losing benefits. Blame the dodgy British bosses who can't be arsed paying out the minimum wage. So they don't take your jobs. You just don't want to work for less than £400 a week, despite having no experience, having no qualifications or being unwilling to have a go. When I'm in the queue for an interview, I know that I've as much chance as any immigrant, not that I've seen immigrants going for the same job as me. After all they'd have to be pretty sharp at English to get past the application process...but wait a minute, I thought they couldn't speak Engli- Ah, so my job isn't at threat. Hooray!

I'm more concerned about these so called shift, scroat-like white, British people like myself. They are the real danger. Especially if they are stupid, insecure and ignorant. They're the one's committing crimes and making arseholes of themselves. They cut you up on the roads, they piss about on the streets at weekends because they can't go for a night out without becoming momentary pissheads, they beg you for money for the phone, they nick your stuff, they're noisy, they wind up teachers, they wind up old people on the buses, they watch shit TV shows, they knife, abuse and rip you off. They just want to drag everyone else down. Perhaps before having any sort of workable policy on border controls we have to understand and educate these lazy fucks, many who haven't ever been beyond their own district, let alone actually know where Eastern Europe is.


OTHER POLICIES

Was going to write about Health, Foreign policy and Business but I'm sapped out for now. In a nutshell, keep on supporting and investing in NHS, raise wages for Nurses, deduct wages from Trust managers who don't nearly do anything like Nursing staff. Let's get out of Iraq and Afganistan. It would save us money. Perhaps a percentage of what we're spending now could be diverted to reconstruct the places we've bombed into the stoneage. Scrap Nuclear missiles. In the event of a full conflict we'd all be wiped out anyway. It's ludicrous to suggest we need them for defense. We have adequate defence in the daft event that France, Germany or The Netherlands would try and invade us. Think of the money we could save. Considering money and business development, why not recruit Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert, who can help Britain with its finances. He also hates bankers, hedge fund investors and fat cats as well. Sack Ed Balls.

Best Before: Law and Order

Well it's been another 'interesting' week if you're into politics or just generally freedom of speech and human rights in general. Firstly there was the second debate in which Clegg just grabbed it for me by a nose or two, then there was one of the Murdoch offsprings and his diabolical partner in crime, Rebakah Wade (I hope I've spelt her name wrong) brow beating the Independent editor because he suggested the ludicrous idea that elections aren't won by newspaper's but, erm...the public. Every right wing rag have been up in arms because a hung parliament would cause some kind of holocoust. Essentially they were shit scared because they might look like dicks when this election is all over. I hope so because they are dicks. Anyway, my policies on Law and Order...

LAW AND ORDER

There doesn't seem to be much, does there? You know, maybe education might be much improved if anti-social behaviour, drug abuse, drug related crime, bad parenting and all the little scroats out there who know you can't touch 'em, actually, really get punished instead of pointless funded intervention programmes that actually spend money taking them canoeing, go karting and mountain climbing. Policing needs to support this, and actually respond to calls and keep them off the streets making arses of themselves and the lives of others a misery. I can understand it though. If I was in the police I'd just chat to my mates and go for a drive instead of arseing about creating more paperwork.

Face it, we've tried the liberal approach, the 'oh, they just need love'. Maybe it's a stretch but have we actually tried punishing them as well as rewarding them? Low level crime seems to be the biggest challenge as far as I'm concerned as is the fear of it. I wouldn't even call it low level anyway because people might fear it more than high level crime. The fear of it, I expect is down to the constant reporting and sensationalism of it. It's quite a complex thing when you thing of it. Kids have to deal with peer pressure, you know, knifing each other to fit in, kicking someone to death because they don't have the capacity to reason, or shooting someone because, well, it's a laugh. There's all kinds of local initiatives which deal with crime prevention, drug abuse and interventing with various programmes to steer kids off the road to crime. Either they're not being funded properly and supported by local councils or the kids don't give a shit. There has to be some responsibility on the parts of the asbo teens. And before people whinge on and on and on about there being fuck all to do, well, here's what I think about that. BOLLOCKS! I've lived in a council estate for about 25 years. There was crime, anti social behaviour and drug abuse. I didn't get involved. And it wasn't because I was particularly brought up in a stable home environment. My motivation was that I didn't want to live in this environment. I had ambition and thought 'I have every right to do what I want.' It wasn't easy, no one expects it to be, but you have to take some responsibility if you want to attempt to live a life that doesn't revolve signing on, taking drugs, hanging about at bus stops and generally being chavvy dickheads.

Now maybe people like me have turned into a snob and should be giving them a step up. I agree but I have to be met half way. The time's I've heard some of these self-entitled idiots spout gibberish like 'I'm not geting out of bed for less than £400 a week...it's all them immigrants taking our jobs innit?' Well it isn't, dickface! It's YOU who's the problem! 1. You either haven't worked all your life so have little experience or skills for the wage you expect or 2. You've barely left school and there's this funny concept called getting experience and actually learning something. Try it. 3. Many of these immigrants either will work, have skills and are not arseing about everywhere, taking smack or boozing up. Hmm. Funnily enough I've rarely been met half way. Despite all the confidence and advice I've handed out to them in my capacity as a teacher or a IAG advisor. It's sad.

So some points:

1. Drug related crime should be punished as equally as rehabilitation. Higher sentences. These people shouldn't be on the streets untill they're clearly clean and have a job. Maybe social workers could assess their progress on a regular basis.

2. Kids have to go to school. If some school's are unable or can't retain them, create schools that will. Education is important.

3. Family planning is an area that has be debated for future generations. What'sthe point of having kids if you don't have the means to support them through life, and if they end up being scroats just like their parents? We really have to be harder in some areas and discourage certain cultures. Having a child isn't merely a way of life, it's a responsibility which a lot of parents get bored with. This has to stop.

4. Sentencing should actually fit the seriousness of the crime. Anything that involves physical or mental harm should be sentenced accordingly, rather than people being allowed to reoffend.

5. Probation. Are criminals suitably followed up on release? If not, why? Can't we find them a job prior to release and put an order on them getting back in touch with the wrong crowd? Are we doing this? Why isn't it working?

6. Put them on an island with Nick Griifn. Then they'll all have the kind of paradise they've reaped and deserve.

Anyway, that's my lot for now.

Best Before: Campaigns

What better way to reach your electorate and telling them what you stand for than peppering the streets with propaganda in the form of shit posters, and littering the TV schedules with political/election broadcasts, designed to get you, the dumb assed voter to ask the same rhetorical questions as the parties? In fact they are all the same questions. Like someone who has a brain in their skull is going to say  'Actually I want a really shit national health service...schools can fuck off, bring back work houses...' They constantly want to bombard you with issues that 1. are quite obvious, 2. some people don't give a shit about because it doesn't apply to them (e.g. immigration. Many of thsoe who bleat on and on about being swamped not only don't work but never even bloody worked when immigration was low) 3. how shit the other parties are, as if they have the answers.

In a week that has seen the media in all but name masturbate themselves to death over the TV debate, piping cum all over spin alley and Westminster, you could be forgive that the only one's who really give a shit about campaigns are those in Westminster village. It's sort of like Manchester's Gay Village I imagine only with less shag tags.

So let's have a look what all the bother has been about.

Is that John Pertwee's son? Oh yeah, great one this. Grey skies, Britain at a crossroads metaphor, spineless-play-it-safe-Brown-esque voter who doesn't know which way to go because, well, Brown did one thing right perhaps...Oh dear.


This one's even more patronising. Part of a series of 'stories'. I've never voted tory before but...I'm middle class, I have kids and actually I'm an unconvincing actress. So fuck off everyone! They make me wretch and laugh at the same time. Look at how aspirational and pretty we all are. Listen up, crappy campaigners! You can see right through this shit! The blue jacket, the not very subtle imagery again. Why not feature chavs or people who have not actually voted tory, or pretended not to? Give me a break!

Here we go, so this is what Britain will look like in around 28 days if Labour or Tory's get in? Clegg would get my vote if the rage got him and he went around killing and eating the folks in the other broadcasts.

Best Before: Education

How is it that every government manages to fuck this department up? How difficult can it be to stop all the petty squabbles about the two tier system, getting into the right school, university places? Simple, make it one size fits all. Remove the two tier system. Insecure middle class parents are just worried that their kids will end up becoming rapists and drug addicts because they may mix with kids from council estates and actually enjoy spending time with them. If you actually trusted your kids and didn’t smother them you wouldn’t have to worry whether they’ll rebel. And of course all kids from council estates don’t have ASBOS and those who have only do so because the government have fucked up their responsibility to those as well. But I’ll come to that at some point soon.

As for quality of provision, the state and private sector has, as far as I know teaching staff who are equally qualified to deliver high quality teaching. Problem is they are not supported in the state sector. Powers are taken away. Precious time is wasted doing CPD and crappy paper work and more and schools and headteachers are constantly playing second fiddle to the parents who, with respect, have little understanding of what teachers have to go through because they get an edited, fictionalised, dumbed down version of reality from the tabloid press. Rather than supporting schools, governments keep announcing stupid ideas that are unrealistic and actually haven’t improved the quality of education. Like the clueless proposal by Ed Balls for teachers to now have 'MOTs' that require teachers to have more tests. Hello? Don't they have CPD and teaching qualifications, along with teaching hours, planning and prep and god knows what else? You could pay them more for a start. But arseholes like Ed Balls do all this to pretend that they are doing something to address issues in education. What they are doing is muddying the waters and should stay out of it.

Just give the LEAs the money and let the experts in education (those who actually work in schools, colleges and universities) decide how to spend it. If we want your input and regulation we’ll ask for it. So make the system classess. Raise the leaving age to 21 and those who have no wish to be academic can and should train to do something vocationally. Those who don’t want to learn, the parents who want to complain, those who take the piss at school, penalise them. I’d rather not bring back borstall but those who want to opt out or are too disruptive can be taught via other means. Home schooling has to be reformed as well. Parents who wish to school there kids at home should be allowed to do so, once they have the necessary skills, experience and teacher training...and they should teach to the national curriculum, once this has been reformed to represent the soiceity we live in. What's this bollocks about school kids interviewing applicants for teaching jobs? It's one thing to bleat and squeal about the nanny state but this is beyond parody. You might as well have kids interviewing social workers, teens interviewing community support officers, Catholic preists, McDonald's staff, rocket scientists? Why is it that teachers are held in so low a regard in Britain? The image of teachers need to be celebrated and respected. This society wants to make the role models and fall guys in equal measure. You could start by rewarding and trusting them. Government and voters alike. Instead of acting like self-righteous wankers.

As for those journalists that bleat on in their annual pieces about A-level's getting easier, maybe they should actually spent a few weeks shadowing teachers or exam markers instead of insulting kids and parents who have worked hard to get qualifications. What they'd eventually realise once they've taken their pencils out of their constipated arseholes is that it's the assessment procedure which rewards rather than penalises. I speak as someone who is a qualified teacher and as marked exams.

Faith schools. The equal opportunities policy needs to be followed to the letter. If you're a teacher and you don't have a 'faith' this does not make you inadequate to work at a faith school. You wouldn't think that though, judging by the amount of teachers who either don't get an interview, let alone the one's who are not put off by some application processes that requires teachers to have a 'faith'. All schools should already be maintaning an all inclusive ethos and mission statement irrespective of your faith, sex, colour or ability. You wouldn't think it. If trust is one of the key themes of this election, more than any other time maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to trust the professionals who are qualified to deliver public services, and assess the middle managers and picky micro managers who interefere in something totally beyond them.

So who can best deliver this? That's anyone's guess.

Fire up the poster campaigns!

There I was the other morning, minding my own business, walking back from a frame shop, looking at another negative poster by the tories of Gordon Brown smiling, anchored to the claim that he's cheated pensioners out of bliions of pounds, when I suggested the best way Labour could get the popular vote was if they used an image of Gene Hunt from Ashes to Ashes with the slogan 'If you don't vote for me I'm gonna come round your house and stamp on your toys!'

Well in a crazy blurring of fantasy/reality, Labour unveiled this poster. Which spectacularly misfired, as Labour strategists and the poor bloke who won the comp to design a poster obviously were out of touch and failed to recognise that Gene Hunt is actually POPULAR, especially with the female electorate.

Fair from being offended Cameron was flattered. You can guess what came next.

So there you have it. The election effectively belongs to the tories, thanks to the popularity of a racist, homophobic, sexist fictional cult television anti-hero.

In short, Labour are one nil ahead in election fuck up's.

Best Before Election

I apologise in advance if this doesn’t come across as eloquent or very well researched but I’m almost at the end of my tether to such an extent that this series of fantasy policies and proposals I’m about to put forward warrants nothing but an emotional and theoretical response. I hate the tory party and the values it professes to have. There’s no way I would vote for them. In fact I haven’t voted for anyone since 1992. I didn’t vote New Labour in as well and its facile when arseholes say ‘Ooh if you haven’t voted you don’t have a voice!’ Bullshit. The fact that someone hasn’t voted is in itself a political act, just because there isn’t a party to represent or to competently carry out this apathy, or alternative, brave policies says quite a lot actually. So you do have a voice. More so.

All the other niche parties are jokes as well. UKIP, BNP, Monster Raving Looney Party…often created to display how ridiculous politics have became in recent years. But you'll get jerks who will say  'your MP has a duty to you, go and see them, write to them…’ but all they have ever done is nod and say how much they understand, that they are doing what they can, but they do fuck all! And continue to do so and will continue to do so. If I don’t vote in the next election it’s easy to dismiss me has having no voice so I’ll make my voice known here. I’ll put forward my policies for the Best Before Party. It does exist, although there is only one member. This should take us up to the General Election. 

I'll begin next time with my take on EDUCATION and how we might go about managing not to fuck it up, the way everyone else does. 

Corden This Berk Off! Please someone!

No point wondering why BBC give this arsehole a wide birth because, as we know from previous examples, the BBC are always making shit decisions. So because he was in 'The History Boys' it follows that Corden is some sort of acting genius. Because he was in the way, way over the head rated ' Gavin and Stacey' he must be some kind of acting genius and not the squealing, giggling pig face he is. (Actually he'd fit right in if a remake of Redemption came along). He just isn't funny or any more talented than yer average BTEC First Dip Peforming Arts student. Don't insult our intelligence Corden. But because like Kay, he's in your face like vomit and spittle from an unpleasant patient in a care home, and he's cuddly, he's some kind of genius. Right.

Not even worthy of a post title really

Timbaland must immediately stop appearing in videos. What's with his eyes? His he blind or something or are the songs so comical and novelty that he can't take them seriously and this shows in his eyes? I enjoy 'some' of his past productions in very tiny doses but there's something prickish about him.

Deep Space Kraft(y)work

Does this mean that all the employees of Cadbury's will have to eventually commit mass suicide?

BEST BEFORE: DECADE

What a decade. The bad news is that it will descend further and we’ll all be ageing while it does.

It’s been a crap decade partly because of the following;

RISE OF THE CHAVS

Imagine the film  'Terminator 3-Rise of the Machines' and substitute it for chavs. It’s a terrible vision of the future isn’t it? And it’s been here for a while already. Chavs aren’t distasteful label whores like Daily Express/Mail believe. They can’t afford labels, often getting knock off’s from the market. They don’t work, are largely unemployable, are often off their faces on any number of drugs or cheap cider, have bad teeth, skanky and manky, wear baseball hats (still), are fond of striped tops and tracksuit bottoms, can often be seen in council estates with their council faced girlfriends, love what they call hardcore music, although they’d as would we, be hard pressed to recognise and identify track names or writing credits. They might occasionally splash out hiring a stretch limo (you know the type, with the phone numbers advertised all over them. Like anyone IMPORTANT ever uses a stretch limo!?) ASBO’s are a badge of honour as is the signing on book. A chav is not so much a lifestyle choice as a way of life but some of them can choose to try and leave it behind.

THE AGE OF SELF ENTITLEMENT

Sex and The City. Meism. Parent’s with 4X4’s who want there best for their kids not because private schools are necessarily better serviced but because they don’t want their kids to mix with chavs (because they might enjoy mixing with chavs), just in case they get chav diseases such as swine flu and sars and aids and them kind of things. I don't Julie Burchill was the first hack who wrote stuff as if she expected us to actually care about her life but you can't move for bloody coloumists in the weekend mags that come with the newspapers. I don't give a shit what Zoe Williams thinks about cyclists in London or what that Mary, Queen of Queens (or whatever she's bloody called) woman thinks about David Cameron no more than you give a shit what my views are on self-entitlement or meism. So because of wank TV shows, every knob and her one armed mother has a right to be famous. You don't have to be a generic singer, shag John Leslie or be a middling dancer anymore. Fame is a right. And everyone deserves what they get.

THE CELEBRATION OF THE STUPID

Jade Goody became in some respects a poster girl for the stupid and ignorant and the media loved her for it…actually they hated her for a while and took the piss but when enough arseholes hung around the Big Brother house in support of her, the media couldn’t help but fall for the minger. It was amusing to view the spineless arseholes who slagged her off practically forming a line around the block to eat her shit. But the stupid are all right. If you’re stupid you can have a career in radio and television, you can have your own youtube chanel where you can dance like an arse in your bedroom and unconvincingly lip sync to bad songs. You can even write a bitter blog, you can join a forum for people who like generic emo music, where you can encourage each other to self harm, you can create a show called Loose Women, where the only thing actually loose about it is what remains inside their skulls. You don’t need an education. You don’t have to be able to write to put out tediously forumulaic novels, you just have to have been in a soap or got you sex video online, shagging someone, or be the poor offspring of some daft Irish prick with a mediorce music or a wasted football career. You can even be the president of the United States because your fellow stoopid yanks will endorse you. If you’re stupid you will be trusted to run organisations that love bombing innocent people because you’re dumb enough to believe in something with no basis in fact or because your followers are too daft and backward looking to interpret ancient books and beliefs that profess to be about love. If you're  too stupid out of laziness then get outta my face. If you've squandered your opps like fuckhead Doherty, then stay outta my way. I've no respect for you. Euthanasia is the best thing for you.

COMEDY BECAME UNFUNNY

I used to enjoy Little Britain. But after about three weeks I realised that I was getting the same jokes, the same punchlines and it wasn’t as funny. Then they made another series…and another one…all with the same forumula. And it became fairly hateful. That kind of sums up BBC/E4/ITV’s sense of humour this decade. It became less about quality control and more about milking it…and of course the dullards at home who had forgotten how it could be, didn’t know any different. That’s why Peter Kay is a success, it’s why people think Frankie Boyle has an acid like wit, why inoffensive Russell Howard gets his own show, why Michael McIntrye can sell out arenas. Britain’s brains haven’t had much excericise in the world of comedy. Like pretty much everything else in this decade it’s easier to get the quick watered down fix. Pointless watching Izzard, it’s too much to take in. And he's gone off the boil as well.

REALITY TV/BAD TV

Big Brother, The X-Factor, Doctor Who…I can’t go on…I’m tired. Just look at the parts I've written above. It's all related.BBC 3/ITV1 and 2. OK?

SOCIAL NETWORKING

Good or bad? As with everything once it's abused or infected with stupidity and dumb ass people using it to say how pissed they love getting, how great their lives are, when they're getting pissed up again, the best time they got pissed up, the evidence to prove that they got pissed up, then you kind of want to put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger.

BLAND MUSIC

2000 was really the birth of the likes of Jo Whiley championing mediocre music such as Coldplay and David Gray although I’d been initially suspicious when a year or so earlier she was acting like fucking Gomez were the saviour of British music. This continued with The fucking Hoosiers and Scouting For Girls or what we call 'comical indie'. 'Landfill indie' is soo 2007 and the kind of crap John Harris would come up with in his fashioned moody pose. How could popular British music really get better when the whole Britpop toss a few years earlier had been set as a laughable benchmark for quality. In 2010 things are still disappointing. Oasis are still inexplicably seen as relevant and the NME are still hyping anything slightly lo-fi, mock punk based and pretend angst ridden from the US. (Most of their recommendations don’t amount to much and yet they present themselves up as tastemakers) Mika's rubbish. Florence and the Machine has replaced the space left by Dido, surely. Even 'urban' music, which in the distant past (I'm talking the 1980s) which could be pioneering was rather dull. Sure you had some good moments from Dre, Eminem and Jay Z but this only spawned Timbaland-lite shit like the Black Eyed Fucking Peas! No hope there as well. Pop music? The demise of the charts, singles? Oh it all happened...not I think because of people's access to free music on the internet but because there was nothing worth buying in the charts! Anything decent either wasn't actually getting played on the radio or was shoved into niche programmes. We lost John Peel as well which is a big loss to anyone who actually cares about music.

LONDON/ NATHAN BARLEYS

The only people who actually love London are those with disposable incomes, who live in a stylish, secure area, hermetically sealed, go to daft parties, bars, restaurants and gallery’s without actually doing a real day to day job…but in the ‘noughties’ a term I still hate, London is still the centre of the universe. The dubious capitals of this London are Hoxton/Shoreditch and Primrose Hill. Now despite the TV show 'Nathan Barley' being a poor and disappointing effort, you do see Barly types bloody everywhere because they look ridiculous. In Manchester we have the morons in the 'Northern Quarter'. Far from the being the height of fashion, culture, music and urbanism, they look like transexual gypos, a parody of themselves. Everyone in this world has a haircut that would make Russell Brand blush. Presumably Russel Brand and Nick Grimshaw are worshipped as some kind of Barleyesque gods. They're harmless enough even if they look like clowns.

THE POLICE STATE

Are we there? I tried to change my bank account in 2002 and all I got, because I didn't have the exact information to the letter was  'ooh since 2001 everything's changed' as if I was supposed to react 'well that's understandable'. So what legacy has 2001 attacks on the US, the illegal War in Iraq left us with? I could be petty but the truth is actually petty. There's more redtape when you want to travel...all this ridiculous bollocks about what you can or you can't take. Even local councils abuse the anti-terrorism laws to penalised its tax payers for all kinds of stuff they never used to give a shit about...and I don't know if it's true, but I read about it the other day, some idiot has even had his tweet reported because he made a joke about bombing an airport because of the bad weather and he was collared and held by the cops (who knew full well he wasn't a terrorised and hadn't actually comitted a crime). So the web is being watched, keywords being flagged and we're being held accountable for semantics. The next ten years won't fare better, I fear.

 POOR JOURNALISM AND ESSAYISTS

This decade, largely because it’s sense of ambition, execution and acceptance of things of any value were of such a low standard, also mirrored but continued a decline in journalism in so called ‘serious’ media. See Zoe Williams, Deborah Orr, Jan Moir, Quentin Letts. Peter Hitchens, Deborah Ross, Johann Hari, Peter Robinson, Conno McNichols, Tania Brannigan, Rod Liddel, Jess Cartner Morley, Aerial Leve. I know that they’ve had much of my bile this year but they can at least take comfort in that they are more well known than many, many other coloumists that deserve this accolade.

METROSEXUALITY

This was the decade where for about two minutes another pointless lifestyle trend was promoted. Basically men decided to have a wash (and stay closet crossdressers) So what? There was also a shit Channel 4 series with the same name as well. Really shit.

RECEIVED OPINIONS

Everyone was a national treasure in this decade. Big Brother and Eastenders is like Chekhov. Or so says received opinion. No.

In short Orwell was right.

BEST BEFORE BITTER AWARDS 2009

For this ceremony I'm not going to bother with giving my awards names and who they will go to. I'll just get on with writing the names of everything that's been shit this year and giving my reasons. In their own way they are all winners of their worst awards possible for being complete wastes of lives and time. I'm unable to qualify it any more than that.

N-DUBZ
Take all the worst aspects of East 17 and Black Eyed Peas and you're likely to end up with an abomination such as this. In fact you wouldn't even have to take the worst aspects. And Mr Hudson who I thought had quite a OK song with 'White Lies' does himself no favours hanging round with arseholes. Maybe he must be an arsehole himself.

SWINE FLU PANIC
One of my pet hates is panic, moral panic usually but the kind of hysteria newspapers love to promote, the arseholes who take it all in. I hate people who panic buy, as you know IF YOU'VE EVER READ THIS FUCKING BLOG. The most fucked up thing about this type of panic is that some cunts have actually gone to the trouble of putting together a swine flu progress chart/map thingy you can access on BBC website and SKY news. No doubt I'll bet there are widgets and apps you can stick on your own website, just in case no-one is panicking enough about it. Yes, there have been a few deaths, yes it's unpleasant, but more people walk under a bus every week (probably to escape the fucking hystery) than actually die from Swine Flu every year. So don't panic. Don't panic. You musn't. You will die eventually. It may be worse than swine flu, it may be tortourous, drawn out, it may be a freak death, it may be an unjust one, it may be peaceful but it probably won't be from swine flu (Hope my death isn't an ironic one)

JAN MOIR
Break open a bottle of champers everyone! Jan Moir has died of dubious causes. Apparently a knife wound to her jugular. A bottle of Amyl Nitrate was discovered lodged up her fat arse. Hmm...I find nothing suspicious about this death knowing how many people she pissed off with her poor prose about gay popstars and her claims about shopping in Poundland without so much as a personal shopper. Let's have a moments silence as we consider all the wonderful things and very poor restaurant reviews. She leaves a handful of frothy mouthed middle cllass bigots, racists and serial rapists.

FRANKIE BOYLE MICHAL MCINNTYRE RUSSEL HOWARD DARA O BRIEN None of you are funny. Mock The Week isn't funny. Why bother? Just stop it off.

TWITTERATI
 I have a twitter account. I have at the time of writing about 11 followers and I follow 19 people. My followers include Peter Wyngarde. Most of the time I have nothing to say so I don't say it. I don't have a clue how to get more followers, perhaps I should post more or tell more people or accept more spam, I'm not sure. What I am sure about is those who the media call the twiterati. These are a few people who have thousands or millions of followers and use this power to get people to sign peitions, complain or essentially just use to get them to watch their programmes, buy their books, records and DVD's. Twitter isn't a social networking site it's of course a tool of promotion. When the likes of Stephen Fry, who seems to post a million times a week, actually diminishing what it is I love about him, bangs on about twitter being great because if you get stuck somewhere or need information tons of people will instantly reply to you, this is all very well if you're popular and have fame. If you're a loser like me, which a lot of us are, this information is a fat lot of use, and it just grates, and it reinforces the idea that some of these celebrities are part of one big protective clique that normal people aren't allowed to enter. I still don't know what Twitter is for.

GIRLS CAN'T CATCH
Yes, with every passing month another manufactured girl band pops up and inevitably are hyped for five minutes, usually by all the queens on Popjustice forum. That's all very well if they are any good, or if the pop songs are actually enjoyable. But like Mini Vida Girls Can't Catch are just another big disappointment and they look so plain. (Nothing wrong with plain girls, they are often more shaggable than fashioned women but for heaven's sake stop acting like you're god's gift when you look like skanky girls as featured in those text dating adverts)

LILY ALLEN
Keith Allen's daughter made a bit of a dick of herself this year when she whined on about illegal filesharing, totally missing the point that she had done it herself, and that she plagerised someone else's blog post. She attempted to start a debate on a new blog which wasn't actually a debate more of a forum for her showbiz chums like James Blunt to write open letters to the forum saying how their livelihoods had suffered boo hoo when in fact they offered no evidence to suggest that the low downloads of their material made a difference to their poorly received products. When the trade against Ms Allen became too much, too sophisticated and too abusive to respond to, totally emphaising how out of touch she was, she shut up shop and went home with her tail bewteen her legs. The fact that she held up Lord Mandelson as some beacon of light was laughable given that he's had to resign twice because of dodgy dealings. Way to go, Lily. Next time you open your gob, do us all a favour love and think for a second.

KATY BRAND
Yet again this unfunny woman comes up. Lazy comedy, wide of the mark pop pastiches, SUB ITV 2 humour.

GEORGE LAMB
We still hate you, Master Lamb. We truly do.

NICK GRIMSHAW
Indicative of what's wrong with Radio, and new media in general. You're not zany, happening and on the cutting edge, you're a despised, untalented foppish haired fucker who does fuck all to promote decent new music. Fuck off! If they cloned you and made you into a boy band it would look like this