Greetings. As you may know I was invited to write the alternative Christmas message this year, exclusive to this website but, fate stepped in and decided to give me a touch of flu so like melting whipped cream on hot apple pie, I dribble sweet fanciful apologies. Not to fret, though. I've been asked to give you the lowdown on the hot spots and not spots for next year.When I'm not surveying Great Britain from my domed palace in the clouds, making sure that the evil of weather of 1987 doesn't hurt my children again, I'm quite the connoisseur. My friends will tell you that I adore, simply adore, making jam and baking scones. But I also find popular music and the arts fascinating. When I'm not munching away on my jam and cream scones in my own private weather centre, in between bouts, of shoving the westerly winds back into the north sea, I also adore social networking. So let's have a look at the 'real deals' of 2008. Forget the poppycock of The Guardian, The Sunday Times and the bright young things of The Observer, this is where it will happen. And my predictions are usually right... for now.
Music
The bands to watch out for in 2008 include:
*The Serial Killers (a dubious tribute act of The Killers who had the distinction of actually forming the band and recording whilst on death row in Florida. Originally had five members. Now sadly a trio.)
*The Psuedophiles (Described as a 'bit like the Horrors but without the hairstyles.' And 'kazoos instead of crap guitars'. From Shoreditch.)
*The Mohammeds (Contraversial new act set up about a month ago. So exclusive that they haven't written any songs or learned to play instruments but the word is that they're all dressed as giant teddy bears and are about to go into a studio with Richard X)
*The Fopps (Ah, The Fopps. The new demo CD is already passing under the tables of trendy bars in Camden. Called 'Music Richard Curtis Can Dance To', it's surely, one would have thought, the album Mark Ronson would have made if he wasn't Mark Ronson, but Mark Ronson pretending to be Mick Ronson.)
Television
Ah, television. How I love my television. Forget the blistering waves of disenchantment that will come from attempting to invest 7 years of your life in another US serial, the BIG BIG US series will be the 17 one minute episode mini epic, 'Yalta'. Set on the Russian retreat, 'Yalta' follows the trials of a young Martian as it infiltrates Russia and form a pact with the US and Britain. Gripping stuff. Includes car chases, explosions, time travel, hard sex, and a soundtrack by Faithless.
As for 'Reality television', there's the Bakewell's Tarts series which is already set to be the talk of 2008. I'm rather fond of bakewell tart.
Trends
Facebook was last year's must have bookmark. With its pointless applications and endless daft notifications from friends and countless opportunities for self promotion, self-effacement, self-delusion and one upmanship, it was the only social networking site where no-one actually socially networked. Old wounds opened, new wounds inflicted, it, according to sources, became the cause of 47 suicides last year, 15 in Britain alone. Ah, but you can throw sheep at people! Do you see?
This year's hot web 2.0 application/social networking site that people are already using is WhoreMe.com, developed and maintained by Brian Wilson (not 'thee' Brian Wilson) Among the feature's it boasts is an add on called the 'Fetish Box' where you can type some of the strange fixations you have. Bingo! The Fetish Box will match them with those friends of yours who share the same perverted desires, and thus a mutual understanding will be born, new relationships will arise. The 'Blackmail' application (in conjunction with paypal) is also growing in popularity. What? You've never heard of this site. Where have you been in the last three hours? Everybody you know have already left Facebook ghosts of themselves to emigrate. Get on with it.
Fashion
The thing that girls will pick up, eventually, as they eventually do, after spending six months laughing and dissing it, as they do every year, as they did with tights and shorts combos, boots and jeans combos...and Beth Ditto's dress sense(Come on girls you know who you are!) will be catsuits. Already available in new fabrics and patterns they will kick some serious buttocks. My partner has one. In particular look out for the limited edition D&G Orange Peel number, recently modelled by my colleague Fiona Bruce at the BBC Christmas party. I have to say it didn't suit her. She's too gangly. No sex appeal whatsoever. It was as if Ruth Kelly was modelling it. Come on girls, display those curves.
Weather
My weather tips for next year include a band of rain, some blustery showers, a spot of light drizzle and a sprinkling of sand. Don't be too surprised that you won't encounter some light lemon hail around April. And some disturbed cloudy weather around the summer solstice. As ever, with the weather, and everything else, you never can be too careful and you should carry a brolly at all times.
Well, that's The Hype...for now!
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