Best Before Bitter Awards 2007

Yet another year, yet another review of about a couple of million reviews you'll skip in the newspapers or websites. But if you're familiar with mine you'd better stop scrolling down and pay attention! Unlike the other reviews I won't bleat too much about how great everything is or even bother to remind you what's happened this year. (I mean if you can't remember what has happened in the last 12 months, you're either too young to take anything in or too senile, or suffer from a mental illness, so it's not your fault, but for those too lazy to think, as ever you can fuck off.) So on with the awards. For me, 2007 has been the year of complete tits, but then again so are most years.

I can't believe it's the Catherine Tate Award
Catherine Tate.

This award was prompted in part from her continual shit sketch show and the venom aimed at her for having the audacity for being chosen to play the Doctor's new companion. It could have been worse, couldn't it? Well, couldn't it? Peter Kay? Kate Nash? The funny thing is that I'd never see someone outclassed and acted into the ground by Tony Blair.

The 'Fuck You', 'I won't Resign!' Award
Sir Ian Blair.

It's fortunate for him that he's not in the Liberal Democrats.

Permanent Bad Hair Award
Mika

Oh, and his album is still rubbish. But novelties do come and go.
In fact this trend for long hair on blokes, I don't find attractive at all. I'm not on about the Shoreditch mould, rather the fashioned shoulder length hair and big fringes, often sported by young boys on TV. Awful. It's so boring when everyone is metrosexual. (Remember that godawfuls series, 'Metrosexuality'? Probably be a big hit this days.)

The 'Cor blimey Award' for the Mockneys
Lily Allen
Amy Winehouse
George Lamb
Kate Nash
Feist
Example
Jamie T

I know, I know, Lily Allen, please, please fuck off. We are bored of you. No-one gives a shit about your weight, whether you're pregnant, whether you will or won't record again, or even your crappy blogs. Go away. You're a bore. Kate Nash might be better looking, and I'm sure when people in London get bored of mockneys, she can always do some cover poses with that fit woman off 'Heroes' for GQ or something but untill that day lay off the Damon Albarn in Parklife stylee, accent. No-one is convinced, you middle class twerp. You're no more cockney than the late Benazir Bhutto. Example, well, maybe he doesn't mean it, but on that Mike Skinner late night programme, he came across as a 24 carat tool! I'm sure he isn't thick as fuck and I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck but he did come across as a sixth form knobhead. Even Richard Archer was embarrassed. And , finally, George Lamb. Did you know there's a Facebook group that wants you off BBC 6 Music? The way you fawned over Lily Allen, you wanker! Fuck me, you really want to aspire to be Robert Elms? That's the way you're going. I'm sure you're the kinds of tossers who google yourselves for validation! Not from me, mate.

Please Fold Award
The NME
(Conor McNicholas)

Wouldn't it be great if the NME folded? Just think of it. All those wannabe music 'journalists' out of work. All that moronic and unfounded hype laid to rest. Remember The Darkness? What about Fischerspooner? They came good, didn't they? You heard it there first. As with some of the Sunday supplements they are very quick to tell you when their tip offs came good. If only they ran all the failures. Admit when they got it wrong, that their pretend tastes, don't always pay off, we'd have a bit more respect. Dont we love failure in Britain?

The Julie Burchill Predictable Award
David Cameron

You know there are some people whose mind and motives you can read, almost before they even open their big gobs. With Julie Burchill, she often goes against the grain for the sake of it, hence her predictable and not very well argued love of shitty girl bands and chavs. Cameron is similar. The moment the announcement came that he was going to do his speech at the Tory conference without an autocue, it almost gave political editors and commentators orgasms. Fuck the obvious gimmick, this is, they decided, a person who is sooo 2007, he must be a great future prime minister. He's like the twat doing the theatre course at college who decides to go nude to mask the fact that his dissertation has no substance. He's the crowd pleasing headline grabber who is second only to the McCanns, in promoting himself, rather than the message. If he has any policies then Nigella Lawson has real friends.

Earth Is Great. Human Beings Are Better. But My Baddies Are Really Shit Award
Russell T. Davies

Russell T. Davies seems to attract the worst aspects of the new Doctor Who, considering that he brought it back. With accusations of stunt casting (well founded) and the very patchy writing, plotting, duff recurring themes and characterisation, he's heading into Jonathan Harvey territory. He thinks we're all jealous because we're not writing it and we're all bitter queens and we don't hang out with BBC producers in Wales but he's mistaking jealousy for disappointment. We won't mention Torchwood. Shit, I've just done it.

Is it funny? Is it funny if I keep repeating it? Is it? Is it funny? Award
Katy Brand

Yet again BBC 3 has shown that this don't disappoint us this year when it comes to delivering ironically inoffensive cheap sketch show comedy, and Katy Brand delivers basic catchphrase humour at its worst. Congratulations. And by the way, repeating an unfunny phrase over and over again still isn't funny.

The Cheap Lousy Faggot Award
Sudan/Radio 1

Well not all of Sudan but parts of it. All this offence over a teddy bear. Yes, most in the west agree that there was a lot of backward stupidity, yes, fundamentalists agree that some of us in the west are ignorant. But this award is another example of the minorities insensitivity dominating and nannying the opinions and intelligence of everyone else. It was the same of the Jerry Springer the Musical bollocks. I know that the connotations of faggot are offensive. I know that when said by 'characters' they display the characters own prejudices and enable us to make our own judgments. When we seek to censor things because it offends someone we aren't on the yellow brick road to enlightenment, are we? Let people decide for themselves if they are offended. Don't tell us what to be offended by. I find most things offensive. But I won't censor them, I'd allow them dig their own graves. Pity we couldn't censor stupidity.

Bully Me Award
Sean Kingston

I'd hate to have him babysitting my niece. Just look at his face when he ogles the girls in his music videos. It's practically evil.

Cunt of The Year
Mark Ronson

Geek chic has another poster boy this year. This 'producer' is better known and responsible for buggering around and making Radio 2 lite classics. Not only does he also look like a prick and sound like a prick in interviews but arseholes like him who validate the hypes and the fuck ups that are Amy Wino and Lily Allen are sadists in my book. Music for Richard Curtis films is how to best describe this genre.

I'm a a bit tired now and Causality is on. There you go. Happy 2008.