Every year television in Britain at Christmas is usually a forgettable affair. There's the predictable soap stories where some duff revelation is made and someones festive day is ruined, there's the repeats and there's never anything on the news, unless you have a tsunami to liven things up a bit. But all this is set to change in the next week as I have the real highlights of what's on TV this season. Set your DVD/PVR/VCR's folks.
SEPTEMBER 11TH in 3D (Sky One, 9pm, 20th December)
A moving and thought provoking high definition broadcast putting the viewer inside the picture of those all too familiar devastating events in 2001. Again. It really makes you put things into perspective. Involves tears, insincere ballads and the memories of those who weren't actually there but are famous enough to have their reflections broadcast, in the bizarre form of revolving talking heads around the site of the twin towers. Creepy. Narration by Peter Kay.
SCALING THE FACE OF ZOE WILLIAMS (Channel 5, 20th December, 9.55 pm)
Join Suzi Perry in this unique experiment in Trafalgar square as builders construct a massive roasted potato face of the Guardian's Zoe Williams. Members of the public attempt to scale the effigy and unlock its mystical secrets but will they just find a lot of trivial observations instead? They have an hour to complete it until a controlled explosion is carried out by London Met's bomb disposal unit. Compelling viewing.
CHRISTMAS IN VERSIONLAND with MARK RONSON (E4, 22nd December, 6.02 pm)
Mark Ronson is joined by guests included Lily Allen, Kate Nash, Tommy Steele, Amy Wino, Jamie T, Joe Brown, Buster Blood Vessel and the Doolittle Family to perform Phil Spector Christmas classics and selections from 50s and 60s musicals in a mockney, half arsed generic, psuedo-motown, probably ska-ish kind of way. This is a good one to have turned down while you're having a violent row.
AT HOME WITH SAM TAYLOR-WOOD (BBC 4, 22nd December, 11.15 pm)
Join the artist from the Brit school as she and her guests including Martin Creed attempt to undertake the task of putting together an installation (Home) which sees them attempt to live in various sections and branches of Habitat around the country for a week. After which the waste is sold off and the proceeds are given to Farepack. 'Imagine buying the loo that she's shat or puked in,' notes Wolfgang Tillmans. Thanks for that, Wolfgang. You prick!
BAKEWELL'S TARTS (New series) (Christmas Eve, ITV2, 7-25 pm)
Joan Bakewell presents this weekly 26 part erotic series/slices of life from sex bloggers. This episode features Julie Burchill playing the blogger 'Abby Lee' finding herself in a spot of bother when one of her 'shags' is a learning mentor who has a thing about ants crawling around her orifices. Features stupid and silly observations from self-appointed members of the Cliterati. Still the programme is worth it for the harpy yell at the start, when Bakewell declares 'Get your cocks and clits out!' I'm sure this will be the catchphrase of 2008.
BARRY GEORGE: IF I'D HAVE WASTED DANDO (BBC 1, Christmas Day, 3.30pm)
Talking the lead from OJ Simpson's controversial book imaging how he would have killed his lover, Barry George (played by Richard Hawley) goes back in time and carries out the flawless assassination. The planning and prep are so professional that the lack of evidence actually leads police to George himself. Who he also takes out. Before pulling the gun on himself. Features 'Who wants to live forever' by Queen. Moving stuff.
LOHANS FINAL SCORE (GMTV, Boxing day, 8.30 AM)
A bizarre experimental piece featuring a distorted reflection of Lindsey Lohan in the hall of mirrors begging 'I wanna score...I wanna score badly...come on...I need it!' For two hours. Features a couple of frames of Lorraine Kelly aroused by this.
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