The Hype with Daniel Corbett

Greetings. As you may know I was invited to write the alternative Christmas message this year, exclusive to this website but, fate stepped in and decided to give me a touch of flu so like melting whipped cream on hot apple pie, I dribble sweet fanciful apologies. Not to fret, though. I've been asked to give you the lowdown on the hot spots and not spots for next year.

When I'm not surveying Great Britain from my domed palace in the clouds, making sure that the evil of weather of 1987 doesn't hurt my children again, I'm quite the connoisseur. My friends will tell you that I adore, simply adore, making jam and baking scones. But I also find popular music and the arts fascinating. When I'm not munching away on my jam and cream scones in my own private weather centre, in between bouts, of shoving the westerly winds back into the north sea, I also adore social networking. So let's have a look at the 'real deals' of 2008. Forget the poppycock of The Guardian, The Sunday Times and the bright young things of The Observer, this is where it will happen. And my predictions are usually right... for now.

Music
The bands to watch out for in 2008 include:

*The Serial Killers (a dubious tribute act of The Killers who had the distinction of actually forming the band and recording whilst on death row in Florida. Originally had five members. Now sadly a trio.)

*The Psuedophiles (Described as a 'bit like the Horrors but without the hairstyles.' And 'kazoos instead of crap guitars'. From Shoreditch.)

*The Mohammeds (Contraversial new act set up about a month ago. So exclusive that they haven't written any songs or learned to play instruments but the word is that they're all dressed as giant teddy bears and are about to go into a studio with Richard X)

*The Fopps (Ah, The Fopps. The new demo CD is already passing under the tables of trendy bars in Camden. Called 'Music Richard Curtis Can Dance To', it's surely, one would have thought, the album Mark Ronson would have made if he wasn't Mark Ronson, but Mark Ronson pretending to be Mick Ronson.)

Television
Ah, television. How I love my television. Forget the blistering waves of disenchantment that will come from attempting to invest 7 years of your life in another US serial, the BIG BIG US series will be the 17 one minute episode mini epic, 'Yalta'. Set on the Russian retreat, 'Yalta' follows the trials of a young Martian as it infiltrates Russia and form a pact with the US and Britain. Gripping stuff. Includes car chases, explosions, time travel, hard sex, and a soundtrack by Faithless.

As for 'Reality television', there's the Bakewell's Tarts series which is already set to be the talk of 2008. I'm rather fond of bakewell tart.

Trends
Facebook was last year's must have bookmark. With its pointless applications and endless daft notifications from friends and countless opportunities for self promotion, self-effacement, self-delusion and one upmanship, it was the only social networking site where no-one actually socially networked. Old wounds opened, new wounds inflicted, it, according to sources, became the cause of 47 suicides last year, 15 in Britain alone. Ah, but you can throw sheep at people! Do you see?

This year's hot web 2.0 application/social networking site that people are already using is WhoreMe.com, developed and maintained by Brian Wilson (not 'thee' Brian Wilson) Among the feature's it boasts is an add on called the 'Fetish Box' where you can type some of the strange fixations you have. Bingo! The Fetish Box will match them with those friends of yours who share the same perverted desires, and thus a mutual understanding will be born, new relationships will arise. The 'Blackmail' application (in conjunction with paypal) is also growing in popularity. What? You've never heard of this site. Where have you been in the last three hours? Everybody you know have already left Facebook ghosts of themselves to emigrate. Get on with it.

Fashion
The thing that girls will pick up, eventually, as they eventually do, after spending six months laughing and dissing it, as they do every year, as they did with tights and shorts combos, boots and jeans combos...and Beth Ditto's dress sense(Come on girls you know who you are!) will be catsuits. Already available in new fabrics and patterns they will kick some serious buttocks. My partner has one. In particular look out for the limited edition D&G Orange Peel number, recently modelled by my colleague Fiona Bruce at the BBC Christmas party. I have to say it didn't suit her. She's too gangly. No sex appeal whatsoever. It was as if Ruth Kelly was modelling it. Come on girls, display those curves.

Weather
My weather tips for next year include a band of rain, some blustery showers, a spot of light drizzle and a sprinkling of sand. Don't be too surprised that you won't encounter some light lemon hail around April. And some disturbed cloudy weather around the summer solstice. As ever, with the weather, and everything else, you never can be too careful and you should carry a brolly at all times.


Well, that's The Hype...for now!

Best Before Bitter Awards 2007

Yet another year, yet another review of about a couple of million reviews you'll skip in the newspapers or websites. But if you're familiar with mine you'd better stop scrolling down and pay attention! Unlike the other reviews I won't bleat too much about how great everything is or even bother to remind you what's happened this year. (I mean if you can't remember what has happened in the last 12 months, you're either too young to take anything in or too senile, or suffer from a mental illness, so it's not your fault, but for those too lazy to think, as ever you can fuck off.) So on with the awards. For me, 2007 has been the year of complete tits, but then again so are most years.

I can't believe it's the Catherine Tate Award
Catherine Tate.

This award was prompted in part from her continual shit sketch show and the venom aimed at her for having the audacity for being chosen to play the Doctor's new companion. It could have been worse, couldn't it? Well, couldn't it? Peter Kay? Kate Nash? The funny thing is that I'd never see someone outclassed and acted into the ground by Tony Blair.

The 'Fuck You', 'I won't Resign!' Award
Sir Ian Blair.

It's fortunate for him that he's not in the Liberal Democrats.

Permanent Bad Hair Award
Mika

Oh, and his album is still rubbish. But novelties do come and go.
In fact this trend for long hair on blokes, I don't find attractive at all. I'm not on about the Shoreditch mould, rather the fashioned shoulder length hair and big fringes, often sported by young boys on TV. Awful. It's so boring when everyone is metrosexual. (Remember that godawfuls series, 'Metrosexuality'? Probably be a big hit this days.)

The 'Cor blimey Award' for the Mockneys
Lily Allen
Amy Winehouse
George Lamb
Kate Nash
Feist
Example
Jamie T

I know, I know, Lily Allen, please, please fuck off. We are bored of you. No-one gives a shit about your weight, whether you're pregnant, whether you will or won't record again, or even your crappy blogs. Go away. You're a bore. Kate Nash might be better looking, and I'm sure when people in London get bored of mockneys, she can always do some cover poses with that fit woman off 'Heroes' for GQ or something but untill that day lay off the Damon Albarn in Parklife stylee, accent. No-one is convinced, you middle class twerp. You're no more cockney than the late Benazir Bhutto. Example, well, maybe he doesn't mean it, but on that Mike Skinner late night programme, he came across as a 24 carat tool! I'm sure he isn't thick as fuck and I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck but he did come across as a sixth form knobhead. Even Richard Archer was embarrassed. And , finally, George Lamb. Did you know there's a Facebook group that wants you off BBC 6 Music? The way you fawned over Lily Allen, you wanker! Fuck me, you really want to aspire to be Robert Elms? That's the way you're going. I'm sure you're the kinds of tossers who google yourselves for validation! Not from me, mate.

Please Fold Award
The NME
(Conor McNicholas)

Wouldn't it be great if the NME folded? Just think of it. All those wannabe music 'journalists' out of work. All that moronic and unfounded hype laid to rest. Remember The Darkness? What about Fischerspooner? They came good, didn't they? You heard it there first. As with some of the Sunday supplements they are very quick to tell you when their tip offs came good. If only they ran all the failures. Admit when they got it wrong, that their pretend tastes, don't always pay off, we'd have a bit more respect. Dont we love failure in Britain?

The Julie Burchill Predictable Award
David Cameron

You know there are some people whose mind and motives you can read, almost before they even open their big gobs. With Julie Burchill, she often goes against the grain for the sake of it, hence her predictable and not very well argued love of shitty girl bands and chavs. Cameron is similar. The moment the announcement came that he was going to do his speech at the Tory conference without an autocue, it almost gave political editors and commentators orgasms. Fuck the obvious gimmick, this is, they decided, a person who is sooo 2007, he must be a great future prime minister. He's like the twat doing the theatre course at college who decides to go nude to mask the fact that his dissertation has no substance. He's the crowd pleasing headline grabber who is second only to the McCanns, in promoting himself, rather than the message. If he has any policies then Nigella Lawson has real friends.

Earth Is Great. Human Beings Are Better. But My Baddies Are Really Shit Award
Russell T. Davies

Russell T. Davies seems to attract the worst aspects of the new Doctor Who, considering that he brought it back. With accusations of stunt casting (well founded) and the very patchy writing, plotting, duff recurring themes and characterisation, he's heading into Jonathan Harvey territory. He thinks we're all jealous because we're not writing it and we're all bitter queens and we don't hang out with BBC producers in Wales but he's mistaking jealousy for disappointment. We won't mention Torchwood. Shit, I've just done it.

Is it funny? Is it funny if I keep repeating it? Is it? Is it funny? Award
Katy Brand

Yet again BBC 3 has shown that this don't disappoint us this year when it comes to delivering ironically inoffensive cheap sketch show comedy, and Katy Brand delivers basic catchphrase humour at its worst. Congratulations. And by the way, repeating an unfunny phrase over and over again still isn't funny.

The Cheap Lousy Faggot Award
Sudan/Radio 1

Well not all of Sudan but parts of it. All this offence over a teddy bear. Yes, most in the west agree that there was a lot of backward stupidity, yes, fundamentalists agree that some of us in the west are ignorant. But this award is another example of the minorities insensitivity dominating and nannying the opinions and intelligence of everyone else. It was the same of the Jerry Springer the Musical bollocks. I know that the connotations of faggot are offensive. I know that when said by 'characters' they display the characters own prejudices and enable us to make our own judgments. When we seek to censor things because it offends someone we aren't on the yellow brick road to enlightenment, are we? Let people decide for themselves if they are offended. Don't tell us what to be offended by. I find most things offensive. But I won't censor them, I'd allow them dig their own graves. Pity we couldn't censor stupidity.

Bully Me Award
Sean Kingston

I'd hate to have him babysitting my niece. Just look at his face when he ogles the girls in his music videos. It's practically evil.

Cunt of The Year
Mark Ronson

Geek chic has another poster boy this year. This 'producer' is better known and responsible for buggering around and making Radio 2 lite classics. Not only does he also look like a prick and sound like a prick in interviews but arseholes like him who validate the hypes and the fuck ups that are Amy Wino and Lily Allen are sadists in my book. Music for Richard Curtis films is how to best describe this genre.

I'm a a bit tired now and Causality is on. There you go. Happy 2008.

Christmas Special: What's on television?

Every year television in Britain at Christmas is usually a forgettable affair. There's the predictable soap stories where some duff revelation is made and someones festive day is ruined, there's the repeats and there's never anything on the news, unless you have a tsunami to liven things up a bit. But all this is set to change in the next week as I have the real highlights of what's on TV this season. Set your DVD/PVR/VCR's folks.

SEPTEMBER 11TH in 3D (Sky One, 9pm, 20th December)

A moving and thought provoking high definition broadcast putting the viewer inside the picture of those all too familiar devastating events in 2001. Again. It really makes you put things into perspective. Involves tears, insincere ballads and the memories of those who weren't actually there but are famous enough to have their reflections broadcast, in the bizarre form of revolving talking heads around the site of the twin towers. Creepy. Narration by Peter Kay.

SCALING THE FACE OF ZOE WILLIAMS (Channel 5, 20th December, 9.55 pm)

Join Suzi Perry in this unique experiment in Trafalgar square as builders construct a massive roasted potato face of the Guardian's Zoe Williams. Members of the public attempt to scale the effigy and unlock its mystical secrets but will they just find a lot of trivial observations instead? They have an hour to complete it until a controlled explosion is carried out by London Met's bomb disposal unit. Compelling viewing.

CHRISTMAS IN VERSIONLAND with MARK RONSON (E4, 22nd December, 6.02 pm)

Mark Ronson is joined by guests included Lily Allen, Kate Nash, Tommy Steele, Amy Wino, Jamie T, Joe Brown, Buster Blood Vessel and the Doolittle Family to perform Phil Spector Christmas classics and selections from 50s and 60s musicals in a mockney, half arsed generic, psuedo-motown, probably ska-ish kind of way. This is a good one to have turned down while you're having a violent row.

AT HOME WITH SAM TAYLOR-WOOD (BBC 4, 22nd December, 11.15 pm)

Join the artist from the Brit school as she and her guests including Martin Creed attempt to undertake the task of putting together an installation (Home) which sees them attempt to live in various sections and branches of Habitat around the country for a week. After which the waste is sold off and the proceeds are given to Farepack. 'Imagine buying the loo that she's shat or puked in,' notes Wolfgang Tillmans. Thanks for that, Wolfgang. You prick!

BAKEWELL'S TARTS (New series) (Christmas Eve, ITV2, 7-25 pm)

Joan Bakewell presents this weekly 26 part erotic series/slices of life from sex bloggers. This episode features Julie Burchill playing the blogger 'Abby Lee' finding herself in a spot of bother when one of her 'shags' is a learning mentor who has a thing about ants crawling around her orifices. Features stupid and silly observations from self-appointed members of the Cliterati. Still the programme is worth it for the harpy yell at the start, when Bakewell declares 'Get your cocks and clits out!' I'm sure this will be the catchphrase of 2008.

BARRY GEORGE: IF I'D HAVE WASTED DANDO (BBC 1, Christmas Day, 3.30pm)

Talking the lead from OJ Simpson's controversial book imaging how he would have killed his lover, Barry George (played by Richard Hawley) goes back in time and carries out the flawless assassination. The planning and prep are so professional that the lack of evidence actually leads police to George himself. Who he also takes out. Before pulling the gun on himself. Features 'Who wants to live forever' by Queen. Moving stuff.

LOHANS FINAL SCORE (GMTV, Boxing day, 8.30 AM)

A bizarre experimental piece featuring a distorted reflection of Lindsey Lohan in the hall of mirrors begging 'I wanna score...I wanna score badly...come on...I need it!' For two hours. Features a couple of frames of Lorraine Kelly aroused by this.

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Every Parent's Knightmare

What you get if you cross Thom Yorke, Brad Pitt, Kevin Spacey and Morgan Freeman.

Some light entertainment from Radiohead.