Open Heart Bitterness

In a new approach to interviews here's some answers I gave to the recently defunct Italian-English style magazine 'La Fashionata Espresso'. (It folded after two days on sale) To make it marginally more fun I've held back the questions.

It's hateful. Monkey TV and Will McDonald should be sent to the Hague for crimes against humanity. I thought Channel 4 couldn't get any lower than Balls of Steel or the Minipops but they've clearly proved everyone wrong. I've offered Channel 4 a way out with my sit-com 'Hart and Soul' starring Tony Hart and David Soul but are they interested?

Well she was always a natural successor to the stooge comedy of Bella Emberg, was Dawn. As for Pam Ann, she's crap as well. Lip Service are far better female entertainers.

I blame the concept of regeneration. I think we should have MORE Poles over here in the UK. We're not European enough. Even better why don't we kick all our scumbags out or swap Warrington for Kracow. The Salford dossers should go to Gdansk or Zimbabwe. Let Mugabe feed them.

I never saw anyone in 2006 wearing a trilby that didn't look like a complete shit.

Sonia from Eastenders inspires a harder erection than Nelly Retardo ever could.

Poor Edith Bowman.

He should design council estates, should Jonathan Ives. But it'd look good for about 2 days before it all gets pissed on, scrawled on and smashed to bits like the cheekbones of an abused whippet. I can see the streets now. There'd be shards of cider bottles scattered everywhere and tear stains left over from the insignificant lives of teenagers with their petty relationship woes. It's all ery sad.

Peaches Geldoff. Writer and DJ? OK then...

I'm bored with labels. The future is Primark.

There's not enough Jack Klugman's in the NHS.

I think Dolphin's have always been laughing at us. It's nothing to do wuth the structure of their mouths.

I've always found him a repulsive laughing stock. There's nothing endearing about him. It's an act, like he's pretend routine of jogging and cycling. He's also a nasty piece of work as that business with Kimberly Quin clearly displayed. If Cameron had down syndrome and wore a mop on his head you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two.

Bitterness is great. It's far from self-destructive. It's creative. Without it you wouldn't have had Kafka, Dosteovsky, David Icke or Shaylar. Bitterness keeps me going. It's my fuel. And it's green in more ways than one.

Findus have served up far superior meals than some of the shit I've tasted at the hands of Ramsey, Worral-Thompson and Oliver.

Who care's about Ariel Leve's hang-up's? I'm sure Sunday Times readers don't.You may think I'm an attention seeker but she gives the words 'attention' and 'seeking' substance.

I still don't know who Rod Liddle shagged to be so ubiquitous.

I'm nothing like Perez Hilton. Whoever they are. I get the feeling he LOVES the subjects he discusses, almost to an unhealthy sexual degree. His targets are far too soft and predictable, whereas with me everyone's a target, everyone's a bastard out to screw you.