Manchester FutureVisions

It's been an interesting few days for the future of Manchester. I was recently invited to a 'tastemaking' meeting of minds regarding the cultural and future vision of Manchester at the Town Hall. (Not a great start). The gathering was attended and put together by representatives of local business, media, North West Arts board, councillors, young artists, reps from theatre, the world of art and a number of other communities. Generally, it's a response to Liverpool's 2008 city of culture status, a typical anal reactionary intitiative that will probably not amount to anything and will hemorrhage billions on a new logo, a couple of trees, and a lot of excuses for parties. The name of the project is FutureVisions. Naturally it was a dull affair but there were some interesting ideas that I'm not supposed to mention yet but I will anyway. Not sure what you lot will make of it. I'm not comfortable with some of the events. It's supposed to last for a hundred years. But these are the proposals. At least here's the proposed chronology of events before I was asked to leave, as I shouldn't have been there.

2007
The millennium wheel will have a make over. It will be known as Disco Carousel with each compartment featuring its own lights, glitter ball and a sophisticated sound system, pumping out a mix of disco, house, euro-dance, click house, minimalist, dubfuckery and charmbis.

2008
Mini inflatable Urbis buildings will be raised above the cities skyscrapers. For no reason other than it will raise the awareness that 'art is all around us.' Urbis have also proposed that from later this year they intend to sell miniature Urbis shaped helium balloons, coming in silver and transparent.

June
Google will buy out Manchester's 'Chinatown'. For the increased investment, any visitors who lose their friends, or just want to know anything about Manchester and the world, will be able to stop anyone who works in the area and ask them to search. There will be more adverts, and cookies targeting your needs if you're registered.

In the autumn the Royal Exchange will showcase a season of new and 'difficult' plays about MADCHESTER by school children from deprived areas in consultation with Bez. (I haven't been invited. Although I did propose a 'Bitterness' season from those who recently had good, strong, daring plays rejected.)

2009
An immigration exchange programme will take place. 'Manchester just isn't cultural enough,' according to one Liverpool councilor. Therefore a programme of swapping Mancunians with Polish and Iranian immigrants will take place for two months every summer. In 2010, Zimbabwe and Estonian will have an opportunity to spend two months walking up and down market street yelling into their mobile phones.

May
The problem of the homeless according to the council have blighted Manchester's transformation since 1996. So from this month, unregistered homeless people will be escorted to London with a £1,000 spending money, and those in Manchester who work for the Big Issue, will, to lighten the tone, be required to wear Lycra catsuits, emblazoned with adverts in neon colours for Habitat, Heals and Cafe Pop. (Reps for the Big Issue at the meeting were seething at this exchange of ideas from image directors of Habitat and Selfridges-Ed)

October
Later this year, there will be a 'Hairstyle Amnesty'. Those of you with hairstyles that are spiky, feathered, dyed, textured, layered, 'knifed', hoxtonite peaks, and generally considered to be absurd will have an opportunity to have them removed at specially commissioned salons on every street. (They'll be little tents with diagonal red and white stripes) Anyone who remotely looks like Russel Brand will automatically have to eat his/her own hair.

Hopefully be the end of the year we might see Peter Saville's new logo (a multi-coloured question mark) for Manchester. He will have been invited to submit his design by December 2006.

Fops who work at some of the more prestigious shops will be discouraged to 'play down their act' by undertaking regular job placements at Aldi, Netto, Tesco's and Primark. For those who still act foppish, they will be forced to make a living be selling those crappy glow sticks and stuff you place into your mouth that makes you sound like a 24 carat dicknose.

2010
As we know, with respect, Mayors are usually a bit old and dull looking. Which is why from 2010, could see the introduction of celebrity guest Mayors, starting with Manchester's adopted icon, Gordon Burns. His 6 week run will see him undertake the duties such as openings and attending meetings. Not much really. Other Mayors for consideration, Julia Goodyear (if she's still alive), Tim Booth, Bez and one of the girls who work at Schu. Tony Wilson will have no involvement. The Chuckle Brothers have also expressed an interest.

Also for six months, to forge cultural and European links Manchester will be re-named 'Milan'. At the cost of millions new motorway signs and stationary will be redesigned to reflect this. It is hoped that Virgin's London-Milan route will prove more popular. Of course it is important that every effort is made to curb the confusion that may occur when Manchester Utd and Manchester City are respectively re-named AC and Inter Milan.

October
MEN will undergo a change of format. Eventually catching on from the likes of The Guardian and the Observer, (but without the content) the MEN will introduce the CD Booklet format, they intend to call ' the Booter'. But that's not all. Guest editors will take over complete editorships. Contributors will also be expected to begin every feature saying what they got up to in the week. Editors who have already expressed an interest are Nick Griffin, Geri Halliwell, Terry Christian, Tony Wilson (who will not be considered), Peter Kay, and Weathergirl, Diane Oxberry. A special 'Breaking News' edition will also be launched, which will be like ' an ipod, only the headlines will refresh every time some news item will come in' someone from MEN has claimed. 'It'll be £177.00 but you won't have to buy any issues. Of course you'll have pop ups and adverts, and cold callers but hey, who cares when you're getting the best, the most informative, entertaining and balanced news in the region?'

A concentrated effort to solve the 'Goth' problem, especially outside of Urbis will be tackled. Meetings will be held within the music industry to try and persuade rock acts to, just to be different, to wear white, and sell white t-shirts. Under 'white is the new black' campain, goths will be given free white gear and Urbis balloons. Then when the Thora Birch's ( a la Ghost World) gather together to hold hands in the boring 'are we or aren't we' gay manner, they've got from Tatu, and the thin geeks who'll never be Tony Hawks hang, they will look pretty and no more conventional than they are now. The public will be encouraged to observe them, stroke them and interact, rather like the Cow Parade in 2003. (But just don't mention Necronomicon though. Don't tell a 17 year old mind what bullshit it is. You'll be there all week.)

2011
The hope is by then, that the Cornerhouse will have undergone it's facelift. The jury is out at the moment whether or not they will become a SPAR Deluxe or if it'll be put up for sale as a casual house. What's clear is that it will make way for a space more open to people's 24 hour needs. (As a compromise I suggested that they could open a retro video shop, Vidhusenineteenen Eighture And the Screen 1 could be adapted play old VHS movies.)

2012
Taking its cue from the recent Chicago Gay Games, a Gay Fortnight will hopefully see everyone being a sport and taking part. All kinds of events and festivals will take place. (No really. This is a great idea! It's true.) Shag tags will also be introduced to a zone in Picadilly Gardens. Free love, I tell ya! (Why does someone not introduce this now?)

September
1960s month. In will come pre-decimal currency, full fat meals, 1960s television in beautiful black and white glory, women frowned on upon if they go to a pub, back street abortionists. Out will go anything that isn't of 1960-1969, including those that weren't born before or during. Many buildings will have their shop fronts and facades either altered to recreate the original buildings or have to be blotted out if they weren't in existence. Many premises might also have to relocate around the city to their old premises. Hey, it'll be swinging!

2013
May-August
The giant TV screen in exchange square which will hopefully not be run by the BBC but by Future Visions. It will show porn films featuring Bob Geldoff's daughter, Peaches, raising money for African charities. Future Visions will also launch Porn for Africa in association with E4 and The Guardian. In November the 'Porn Free' month will, as a social experiment, see the City of Manchester stadium hosting the world's biggest orgy. A Channel 4 series will be made about it.

2016
The Passion of the Christ 2 is launched to celebrate ten years of the daft event. Christ will be played by Peter Kay and Judas by Tony Wilson.

2026
Bus drivers to be fitted with a personality chip. It will be installed on the shoulder to replace the old one.

What I do understand though, is that Tony Wilson will not be involved (apart from the Christ sequel that is).