TOTP VS PUNK:Killing two birds with one stone

Might as well add my thoughts to the demise of TOTP as well as responding to some bollocks blog entry that TOTP was simply crap because it didn't feature live performances as well as reflecting popular music and chart tastes. The TOTP remit was always to focus on the best selling singles. It was NEVER about fringe/alternative bands. The reason that it has failed has come about in part because the BBC fucked with its format for the past 15 years, which is why it has not been relevant for a long time. Coincidently with the spate of manufactured groups, and the so called (don't laugh) 'punkification of society' this format was never going to work, and thus viewing figures suffered. As well as this single sales in general were also dimishing. These aspects were also in part due to the Music Industry's efforts and obssession to break the next big thing.

Going back to the punk thing though is fairly amusing. Perhaps one of the biggest and most relevant punk acts in the world, the Sex Pistols, were as we know, manfactured, as are many more today, featuring artists and bands who couldn't be any less corperate or rebellious, if they had something to rebel about. Surely the punk ethic was always 'screw establishment, be individual'. So I've never understood why they bother to sign up with money grabbing huge rec companies. Maybe Punk means something else. I don't know. But, although The Clash didn't like the idea of performing on the show The Stranglers certainly didn't mind (In fact they even purposely mimed badly such was the obvious tongue in cheek nature of this), and the indie New Order clearly didn't give a fuck about performing on TOTP, even insisting that they did it live, which they later admitted was a mistake as it sounded nothing like the record (Blue Monday). So it's laughable that it was ever sold as a serious 'live format'. It never was. And everyone knows it. Manic Street Preachers (back in the old days) even performed while dressed with terrorist balacalvas.

Of course TOTP is shite. It has been for a long time. New music is generally shite these days with NOTHING original to say. So what? But in its heyday, TOTP was essential television for good pop music, with many TOTP moments on it. It's highly likely that Lily Allen would miss TOTP. After all she is about as alternative and self-made as the Spice Girls. As is her 'oh so rebellious' attitude and music. She is not the product of her own get up and go attitude. Along with some of the music press, she is the product of the NME's school of hype. 'Let's see who we can hype this summer. Let's see who can be our new voice of the generation.' TOTP is sooo Lily Allen. She is so inoffensive and safe she makes Judy Finnigan seem like Courtney Love. And the NME may one day go the same way as TOTP, as that too, along with Kerrang has lost any relevance and credibility since the early 90s. Rock and Roll ethics these days seem to be incredibly forced, and harder to take when fronted by havily styled people whose social background was so perfect that they consequently have nothing new or interesting to say. (See my entry Pete Doherty: Genius or Dick)

Sadly the answer isn't with myspace these days. Sure it's a good idea but since Murdoch took over it's one of the most corperate anti-punk, anti-alternative, mainstream mediums for music out there. In this new age of perfectionsim, tokenism and the 'who you know' factor, I fear that Lily Allen wouldn't have got a second look if she looked like Shane McGowan. So I'd say that 'punkification of society' isn't a postive thing these days as it is just as aspirational as Simon Cowell and Max Clifford. The attitude and lifestyle is all fake, the music and style is actually so fashioned and concentrated, bordering on the bland, that it's all become to boring to take in. As for indivduality, well just pick a spot at the back of Urbis. There's a mass of indivduality out there, along with the fashioned and insincere problems. In fact Starbucks (which many punks frequent) has more punk ethics. The famous line by Johnny Rotten, 'Ever get the feeling that you've been cheated? ', still carries much weight today.

I'm not sad that TOTP is going. I haven't properly followed it for a long time. And what I've seen has been depressing. But I'll always remember the best bits, the bits that were associated with my youth before it really did go shit. The essential thing though is that the BBC fucked up the format. Consider that along with the general heap of shit that is the Top 40 and that the show which was a family show, which families can't be arsed to watch anymore because 1. It's crap and 2. There's all kinds of distractions these days, and that is why it's failed.

It's fuck all to do with society wisening up. If anything our Big Brotherised society and the media is far more mediorce than its ever been, and the sad thing is, all the freedom the internet has given us to learn, to create, to inform... all this power to improve ourselves as well as gain entertainment, and all we come up with is crappy youtube clips and questionable myspace attention seekers, and daft forums where txtspk is the new language, and pointless blogs about what a twat our boss is, then we know the future is fucked.

Deathwatch

Wonder when we'll see the first youtube death. It's bound to happen. I'm susprised we haven't yet seen Diana's death posted on it yet. Not that I would care to watch anyone's death, regardless of whether the are a Princess of the people or not. In fact I'm still traumatised by the fictional hanging of Bjork in Dancer in The Dark. People are fascinated by death, whether it be those weird old women who attend the funerals of strangers under the vale of 'paying respects', those morbid arsecakes who scan the Deaths section in the local rag, or even by killing people and writing their families letters saying how glad they were that they watched the victim suffer. (Mind you the Deaths section is probably the most entertaining part in the majority of local rags. The style and tone of writing has more flair.)

In fact I have a mate who crosses out the names of the recently deceased, from the Telephone directories. (I believe it is a popular hobby with a lot of people. For others it's the only time they get to hear news about their relatives). And it's taken over the internet. There was the German guy who ate his lover in some bizarre sex ritual after meeting on the internet, there are scores of depressed teens, attention seekers, death chasers and I use this term loosely) 'goths' who either write suicide blogs and join discussion forums, suggesting a manner of ways that death can be achieved. There was one called The Hand Holding Sisters of No Mercy, not long ago, which spoke of suicide options by mascara of all things, and even had a helpline for troubled teens who needed help getting out of the world, or finding somewhere they could die alone.
Obviously it closed down about four years ago.

There are also some 'lighthearted' examples of websites that have a deathwish or a deathwatch aspect, whereupon there are polls and competetions to see who will die this year. Current favourites or wishes, include Patrick Moore, The Queen, Margaret Thatcher and Paul O Grady.

Then there are the worst cases. The voyeurs. In the 80s and 90s they would have watched snuff movies, real life muder and rape. They're the type into big women who crush frogs and mice under their boots. These are the kind of people, like a guy I once knew at Uni, who showed me a pic of what looked like the inside of a watermelon with hair, and told me it was Kurt Cobain's head. These voyeurs will watch the those on Deathrow get executed, they will be the types who feel the death penalty is just in some US states and moan when another 'state' lobs off the head of someone from the West. But in the main all death, and especially execution is fair game, if they can get to see it, download it and forward it to their mates with the subject header 'How cool is this?' Or 'Death Rules!' Without being self-righteous there is a curio factor which is understandable. But I can't help imagine that they'd fail to see the cool side if I sent them a link of their mangled up loved ones, their special angel begging for mercy before a bullet in the face. It's fair enough that those who watch violence aren't obviously going to go out on a Patrick Bateman spree. The same goes for porn. Just because you have whacked off over two Annabel Croft types having sex, doesn't mean that you intend to be the next Fred West. (By the way he does resemble Jeremy Beadle without a beard)

If it's death these folks want to see in progress and they are patient enough, the soloution is simple. Just look in the mirror for as long as you can. Look at that sad excuse for a face, whose owner will never be what they wanted to be, whose life has passed them by, for which there will be no reprieve. Watch that person as they are slowly dying everyday, ageing ever closer to their fate of nothingness and that indignant inevitable explosion of piss and excrement. All the waste. All that time spent gawping at poor bastards as if the internet is great because it's one giant, never ending issue of Bizarre magazine. Your days are numbered. At a rough guess I'd say possibly sometime in 2039. If only you can film those 40 odd years for youtube, you'd have nothing to lose. You've had posterity. And let's face it, it wouldn't be any worse than the rest of self-indulgent dullard bile that passes for curiosity. (And they say censorship is a bad thing)

Prostitute pop

Here's a pic of Keith Allen's daughter. Go on, have a wank. Go on! I wouldn't normally encourage people to wank over the daughter of the semi-famous (there was a good reason for not wanking over Geldoff's daughter) but you'd only be joining the long queue of sychophants and the easily pleased.

Come on, what's the matter with you? I'm only partaking in the metaphor for our wonderful media's appetite for 'taste', irony and the tackiness. She's no better than Lordi, surely. But hey, if she doesn't mind sounding like a curious mix of Corraine-Bailey Rae/Pop Idol contestant then that's her lookout. This prostitute pop might work for you but it's yet another example of where hype fails to deliver the goods. In fact the only thing you can be sure of is that when there's a hype, YOU KNOW it's going to be shit. YOU KNOW that the 'tastemakers' and the media are fucking hopeless, and wouldn't know a good thing if it stabbed their dying father in the face.

Aw, but bless her. Doesn't she look like a cute little monkey. Apparently she's got a streak of attitude in her. She does irony too. Only recently she was slagging off The Libertines and enjoying her hate mail becuase she viewed a lot of indie as forumulaic and bland. (Quite right too, although hardly an original observation, and coming from where you are dear, you are THE LAST PERSON to call something samey, love.). Sure, this shit will sell. Shit sells! She'll be popular with 12 old girls and mini middle class sluts the UK over. Men in their late 40s won't buy her novelty pop but they'll gladly want to come on her face. (But they'll be thinking of Gwen Steffani).

Much internet speculation has been made of to what her extent her family connections have contributed to this middle class, Stefani-lite chick's success. I'm sure it didn't harm it, although her father rarely does anyone any favours from his own projects. But I'm one of the few folks who actually like her dad. You never know where you are with him. He's the kind of bloke who might try and shag you, or assault you, but in any case, you can have a beer with and moan about how shite modern music is. As for his daughter you can see her for miles. It already feels tired after one single. Every trick has been used. The background story, the 'experiences', the image, the sound. It's so ordinary. Inoffensive. Radio 2 material. She's preferable to Cheryl Tweedy I expect (the least attractive and talented member of Girls Aloud, just in case you'd never heard of her). And yet the media loves her for it. That tells you more about them than it does about Lily Allen.

ZZ blows his top!

Ok, so I'm probably a few days out of date, a few months actually when you consider that I was about to write something about the world cup, PRIOR to the event. (That's the F.I.F.A World cup btw for you people from the US. You know, an event that is actually international unlike your screwball world series).

Anyway...I found it interesting, and I was a party to this, that after Zidane, leathered Materazzi in the final, there was much speculation amongst the fans and those in the media pertaining to what was actually said to make him go off like a raging bull. At the time I felt that it had to be a comment about his mother, you know, something along the lines, 'I fucked your mudder!' All kinds of theories from so called lip-reading experts came out, ranging from terrorist, racists jibes, to the sentiments I've just outlined. And since we don't really know what was exchanged, that we may never know (even Zidane hasn't gone into detail) I have a few suggestions.

Example 1.

MM. What ya doing tonight gayboy? (tweaks Z's nipples)
ZZ. After I lift ze world cup and get peessed, I might download a new browser.
MM. Fuck your browser, and your siwster too.
ZZ. You'll be sorry you ever zaid that.
MM. Fock youuuu

ZZ launches MM.

Example 2.

MM. I came when I saw your movie at the Cannes film festival.
ZZ. You won't ze the last.
MM. You lookalika crazy frog, no?
ZZ. I sheet on you.
MM. Eat Georga Bush's cream pie, eh?

ZZ fells MM.

Example 3

MM. You are a no good son of a Roberta Willams...a piece of Lily Allen scum, no?

ZZ kills MM

(Oh for fucks sake, you get the point. They're placeholders OK? Until I think of something funnier.)


All in all not a great world cup but not a bad one either. That final more than makes up for an entertaining tournament not seen since 1998, and as for those self-righteous pricks out their, puffing out their chests, and saying what a disgraceful end to a career, what a load of bollocks. It was a fantastic way to top an undiminshed career. Ask Maradonna...however he was far more contraversial...and in my opinion, a lesser player than Zidane (good as he was).

As for C. Ronaldo his career might as well be over, the diving ponce. He looks like he's just started puberty, in fact if you look at his album in the Paninni official world cup sticker album, the evidence is there.

But I guess it doesn't matter what I say as none of you fuckers, according to my hit count can be bothered to visit. Well fuck you. No really! Fuck you.

Same time next week.