Best Before: Law and Order

Well it's been another 'interesting' week if you're into politics or just generally freedom of speech and human rights in general. Firstly there was the second debate in which Clegg just grabbed it for me by a nose or two, then there was one of the Murdoch offsprings and his diabolical partner in crime, Rebakah Wade (I hope I've spelt her name wrong) brow beating the Independent editor because he suggested the ludicrous idea that elections aren't won by newspaper's but, erm...the public. Every right wing rag have been up in arms because a hung parliament would cause some kind of holocoust. Essentially they were shit scared because they might look like dicks when this election is all over. I hope so because they are dicks. Anyway, my policies on Law and Order...

LAW AND ORDER

There doesn't seem to be much, does there? You know, maybe education might be much improved if anti-social behaviour, drug abuse, drug related crime, bad parenting and all the little scroats out there who know you can't touch 'em, actually, really get punished instead of pointless funded intervention programmes that actually spend money taking them canoeing, go karting and mountain climbing. Policing needs to support this, and actually respond to calls and keep them off the streets making arses of themselves and the lives of others a misery. I can understand it though. If I was in the police I'd just chat to my mates and go for a drive instead of arseing about creating more paperwork.

Face it, we've tried the liberal approach, the 'oh, they just need love'. Maybe it's a stretch but have we actually tried punishing them as well as rewarding them? Low level crime seems to be the biggest challenge as far as I'm concerned as is the fear of it. I wouldn't even call it low level anyway because people might fear it more than high level crime. The fear of it, I expect is down to the constant reporting and sensationalism of it. It's quite a complex thing when you thing of it. Kids have to deal with peer pressure, you know, knifing each other to fit in, kicking someone to death because they don't have the capacity to reason, or shooting someone because, well, it's a laugh. There's all kinds of local initiatives which deal with crime prevention, drug abuse and interventing with various programmes to steer kids off the road to crime. Either they're not being funded properly and supported by local councils or the kids don't give a shit. There has to be some responsibility on the parts of the asbo teens. And before people whinge on and on and on about there being fuck all to do, well, here's what I think about that. BOLLOCKS! I've lived in a council estate for about 25 years. There was crime, anti social behaviour and drug abuse. I didn't get involved. And it wasn't because I was particularly brought up in a stable home environment. My motivation was that I didn't want to live in this environment. I had ambition and thought 'I have every right to do what I want.' It wasn't easy, no one expects it to be, but you have to take some responsibility if you want to attempt to live a life that doesn't revolve signing on, taking drugs, hanging about at bus stops and generally being chavvy dickheads.

Now maybe people like me have turned into a snob and should be giving them a step up. I agree but I have to be met half way. The time's I've heard some of these self-entitled idiots spout gibberish like 'I'm not geting out of bed for less than £400 a week...it's all them immigrants taking our jobs innit?' Well it isn't, dickface! It's YOU who's the problem! 1. You either haven't worked all your life so have little experience or skills for the wage you expect or 2. You've barely left school and there's this funny concept called getting experience and actually learning something. Try it. 3. Many of these immigrants either will work, have skills and are not arseing about everywhere, taking smack or boozing up. Hmm. Funnily enough I've rarely been met half way. Despite all the confidence and advice I've handed out to them in my capacity as a teacher or a IAG advisor. It's sad.

So some points:

1. Drug related crime should be punished as equally as rehabilitation. Higher sentences. These people shouldn't be on the streets untill they're clearly clean and have a job. Maybe social workers could assess their progress on a regular basis.

2. Kids have to go to school. If some school's are unable or can't retain them, create schools that will. Education is important.

3. Family planning is an area that has be debated for future generations. What'sthe point of having kids if you don't have the means to support them through life, and if they end up being scroats just like their parents? We really have to be harder in some areas and discourage certain cultures. Having a child isn't merely a way of life, it's a responsibility which a lot of parents get bored with. This has to stop.

4. Sentencing should actually fit the seriousness of the crime. Anything that involves physical or mental harm should be sentenced accordingly, rather than people being allowed to reoffend.

5. Probation. Are criminals suitably followed up on release? If not, why? Can't we find them a job prior to release and put an order on them getting back in touch with the wrong crowd? Are we doing this? Why isn't it working?

6. Put them on an island with Nick Griifn. Then they'll all have the kind of paradise they've reaped and deserve.

Anyway, that's my lot for now.

Best Before: Campaigns

What better way to reach your electorate and telling them what you stand for than peppering the streets with propaganda in the form of shit posters, and littering the TV schedules with political/election broadcasts, designed to get you, the dumb assed voter to ask the same rhetorical questions as the parties? In fact they are all the same questions. Like someone who has a brain in their skull is going to say  'Actually I want a really shit national health service...schools can fuck off, bring back work houses...' They constantly want to bombard you with issues that 1. are quite obvious, 2. some people don't give a shit about because it doesn't apply to them (e.g. immigration. Many of thsoe who bleat on and on about being swamped not only don't work but never even bloody worked when immigration was low) 3. how shit the other parties are, as if they have the answers.

In a week that has seen the media in all but name masturbate themselves to death over the TV debate, piping cum all over spin alley and Westminster, you could be forgive that the only one's who really give a shit about campaigns are those in Westminster village. It's sort of like Manchester's Gay Village I imagine only with less shag tags.

So let's have a look what all the bother has been about.

Is that John Pertwee's son? Oh yeah, great one this. Grey skies, Britain at a crossroads metaphor, spineless-play-it-safe-Brown-esque voter who doesn't know which way to go because, well, Brown did one thing right perhaps...Oh dear.


This one's even more patronising. Part of a series of 'stories'. I've never voted tory before but...I'm middle class, I have kids and actually I'm an unconvincing actress. So fuck off everyone! They make me wretch and laugh at the same time. Look at how aspirational and pretty we all are. Listen up, crappy campaigners! You can see right through this shit! The blue jacket, the not very subtle imagery again. Why not feature chavs or people who have not actually voted tory, or pretended not to? Give me a break!

Here we go, so this is what Britain will look like in around 28 days if Labour or Tory's get in? Clegg would get my vote if the rage got him and he went around killing and eating the folks in the other broadcasts.

Best Before: Education

How is it that every government manages to fuck this department up? How difficult can it be to stop all the petty squabbles about the two tier system, getting into the right school, university places? Simple, make it one size fits all. Remove the two tier system. Insecure middle class parents are just worried that their kids will end up becoming rapists and drug addicts because they may mix with kids from council estates and actually enjoy spending time with them. If you actually trusted your kids and didn’t smother them you wouldn’t have to worry whether they’ll rebel. And of course all kids from council estates don’t have ASBOS and those who have only do so because the government have fucked up their responsibility to those as well. But I’ll come to that at some point soon.

As for quality of provision, the state and private sector has, as far as I know teaching staff who are equally qualified to deliver high quality teaching. Problem is they are not supported in the state sector. Powers are taken away. Precious time is wasted doing CPD and crappy paper work and more and schools and headteachers are constantly playing second fiddle to the parents who, with respect, have little understanding of what teachers have to go through because they get an edited, fictionalised, dumbed down version of reality from the tabloid press. Rather than supporting schools, governments keep announcing stupid ideas that are unrealistic and actually haven’t improved the quality of education. Like the clueless proposal by Ed Balls for teachers to now have 'MOTs' that require teachers to have more tests. Hello? Don't they have CPD and teaching qualifications, along with teaching hours, planning and prep and god knows what else? You could pay them more for a start. But arseholes like Ed Balls do all this to pretend that they are doing something to address issues in education. What they are doing is muddying the waters and should stay out of it.

Just give the LEAs the money and let the experts in education (those who actually work in schools, colleges and universities) decide how to spend it. If we want your input and regulation we’ll ask for it. So make the system classess. Raise the leaving age to 21 and those who have no wish to be academic can and should train to do something vocationally. Those who don’t want to learn, the parents who want to complain, those who take the piss at school, penalise them. I’d rather not bring back borstall but those who want to opt out or are too disruptive can be taught via other means. Home schooling has to be reformed as well. Parents who wish to school there kids at home should be allowed to do so, once they have the necessary skills, experience and teacher training...and they should teach to the national curriculum, once this has been reformed to represent the soiceity we live in. What's this bollocks about school kids interviewing applicants for teaching jobs? It's one thing to bleat and squeal about the nanny state but this is beyond parody. You might as well have kids interviewing social workers, teens interviewing community support officers, Catholic preists, McDonald's staff, rocket scientists? Why is it that teachers are held in so low a regard in Britain? The image of teachers need to be celebrated and respected. This society wants to make the role models and fall guys in equal measure. You could start by rewarding and trusting them. Government and voters alike. Instead of acting like self-righteous wankers.

As for those journalists that bleat on in their annual pieces about A-level's getting easier, maybe they should actually spent a few weeks shadowing teachers or exam markers instead of insulting kids and parents who have worked hard to get qualifications. What they'd eventually realise once they've taken their pencils out of their constipated arseholes is that it's the assessment procedure which rewards rather than penalises. I speak as someone who is a qualified teacher and as marked exams.

Faith schools. The equal opportunities policy needs to be followed to the letter. If you're a teacher and you don't have a 'faith' this does not make you inadequate to work at a faith school. You wouldn't think that though, judging by the amount of teachers who either don't get an interview, let alone the one's who are not put off by some application processes that requires teachers to have a 'faith'. All schools should already be maintaning an all inclusive ethos and mission statement irrespective of your faith, sex, colour or ability. You wouldn't think it. If trust is one of the key themes of this election, more than any other time maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to trust the professionals who are qualified to deliver public services, and assess the middle managers and picky micro managers who interefere in something totally beyond them.

So who can best deliver this? That's anyone's guess.

Fire up the poster campaigns!

There I was the other morning, minding my own business, walking back from a frame shop, looking at another negative poster by the tories of Gordon Brown smiling, anchored to the claim that he's cheated pensioners out of bliions of pounds, when I suggested the best way Labour could get the popular vote was if they used an image of Gene Hunt from Ashes to Ashes with the slogan 'If you don't vote for me I'm gonna come round your house and stamp on your toys!'

Well in a crazy blurring of fantasy/reality, Labour unveiled this poster. Which spectacularly misfired, as Labour strategists and the poor bloke who won the comp to design a poster obviously were out of touch and failed to recognise that Gene Hunt is actually POPULAR, especially with the female electorate.

Fair from being offended Cameron was flattered. You can guess what came next.

So there you have it. The election effectively belongs to the tories, thanks to the popularity of a racist, homophobic, sexist fictional cult television anti-hero.

In short, Labour are one nil ahead in election fuck up's.