Hey-ho! Christmas, eh? Didn't it come and go so quickly? So have you snapped up all those bargains yet or are you one of those trembling, sweating, piggerish masses fighting to grab a really generic and bland t-shirt from Primark, like you normally do every other Saturday along with the other gibbering wrecks? Did you panick buy about five loafs of bread this year, you serial greedy mongs, you? Why was your party cancelled? Oh you went to a virtual one instead. How very 2008! Well, well I guess it was an early night after all with the extra blanket and the unread Italo Calvino novel. So what were your highlights? The blizzards? Zavvi and Whittards not so much as going for a Burton but going the same way as Woolworths. Maybe the death of Eartha Kitt stirred up some emotion. No? Surely we're not back to that again! OK, so the weak Sterling isn't nice, I know, I know. I reckon by the end of 2009 all those jokes about left over turkey and the old nags speech will seem somehow nostalgic.
I was only thinking about a month ago how we in Britain lead the way in our promotion and endorsement of disappointment, bitterness and incompetence. We have our very own Joker's to spread chaos and confusion to the masses in its many forms so expect more disappointment, injustices, stupidity, headaches, repressed rages and body numbing depression. but let's be OPTIMISTIC. This is indeed an optimistic place, this blog, and I won't have your tears dripping on my screenshot. I'm going to be the solution, the resolution to your new year. With my guide and resolutions for the coming year, I can guarantee that there will be a smile on your face for more than five minutes at some point in 2009.
RESOLUTIONS
*We must remember that things are NEVER as bad as they seem. When the situation is dire comfort yourself with the fact that at least you don't have toothache.
*Watch 'Mamma Mia' once a week when events feel that they are getting on top of you. Life really can be as good as an Abba song. It won't make the monsters go away and the numbing effect of Meryl Streep in dungarees doing the splits won't pay your bills but you'll be able to appreciate the merits of the real Abba after this abbaration.
*Invest or 'share' the Cut Copy album 'In Ghost Colours'. It will bring joy to your and other people's lives.
* This year, why not, instead of giving up your vices, increase them. Even if you are 72.
*Continue to loathe George Lamb. It's your natural duty.
*Save money in the new year by robbing pensioners and other vulnerable people. Obviously you will find this easier and morally justified, and will get away with it if you are an energy company or an investment banker.
*Continue to despise Andy Burnham.
*Spend 12 months listening to nothing but rare b-sides and obscure 12" singles from the year of our lord 1989.
*Continue to hate James Purnell and his disgraceful overbite!
*Don't be bitter, be defensive. In 2009 be defiant!
*Try hard not to judge your own perceived success or lack of, based upon other people's social networking updates. Life is not a party. There is no triumphant soundtrack, no cool moments where you are portrayed by an actor with a stylish haircut. There is no reprieve or reward for its hero/ego. You are entitled to nothing. Grasp those moments of happiness. They are your special features. They belong to you and you alone and are not up for sale or scrutiny.
*Continue to find Melanie Philips so reactionary, boring, dull, predictable and slightly, only very slightly a bit of an object to imagine what her legs might have looked like in a short skirt in 1980. She would appreciate this no end.
*Complete that novel set in Holland that you have been working on since 1994.
*Continue to promise to yourself and to your friends that you really must meet up with them for a beer, maybe in the half-term, no Easter! No Christmas! Oh, perhaps in three years! No, make it seven. Why not compromise and not make any promises? After all you only live about 5-10 miles from each other. Why should you phone them? Bugger it, wait till you die first. At least you won't have to be arsed going to their funeral and cursing yourself that you should have taken the time to meet up more often than three times in a lifetime.
*Break your resolutions if by any chance you've actually started them.
*Continue to let festering bitterness consume you till eventually one day you've forgotten who you used to be.
*Make a new friend. A real one. Don't collect virtual one's like Pokemon.
*Try and get away for Britain at least twice a year, even if you have to steal your mother's pension book to fund the trip. You won't be surprised how good the physical and psychological distance makes you feel.
*Popularity is overrated. You'll get more results and respect from actually being competent at what you do, in the age of incompetence and cutting corners. Whether it be writing a three minute pop song or masturbating a cyclist down in a park, excel and do it competently.
*Look after your teeth. Then you won't be mistook for a drug addict or a prostitute. You'll go down better in interviews.
*Continue to find Ed Balls a massacre of contradictions.
*Learn a new language every year. This year I'm having a go at Russian and Mandarin.
*Spend one hour every day experiencing/doing something you've never done/ felt before. It can be as pleasurable or as unpleasant as you would like it to be...make sure it's not illegal though and isn't harmful to others. And it shouldn't require a risk assessment.
*Don't watch TV for a year. Go to the cinema and theatre instead. Oh and there's libraries my beautiful proles.
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