BEST BEFORE BITTER AWARDS and REVIEW 2008

Well another bizarre year in the realms of popular culture last year. Already the arses and so called (don't laugh) 'tastemakers' at the BBC are telling us who we should be listening to, who they are going to make sure are gonna be big and not considering that we can discover our own music, art, film and fun thanks very much. Now then, before I go into my pessimistic phase I'll give you my list of things I enjoyed last year, just to show that I'm not a misanthropic soppy git. In no particular order I enjoyed:

CUT COPY
WALL-E
THE DARK KNIGHT
LINDSTROM
THE KILLERS-HUMAN
SALLY SHAPIRO
ASHES TO ASHES
SPARKS-EXOTIC CREATURES OF THE DEEP
RICHARD HAWLEY LIVE
HEROES (Season 3 obviously)
CHANNEL 4 NEWS (Although it wasn't as good as 2007)
GOLDFRAPP
BLOC PARTY-INTIMACY
MGMT-KIDS
DEAD SET

Didn't do an awful lot of reading or film 'buffing' in 2008 though so...

In 2008 I took a bit of a sabbatical as well so thanks to Phil Oakey for filling my blog with positive lifestyle tips. He may return later this year, we'll see.

As you can expect there were some things in 2008 that I wasn't as keen on and naturally I was at a loss to why anyone would be keen on these things and people so I've decided to give them my own bitter awards which they truly deserve, as a precursor to the pointless awards they'll get anyway. My awards don't recognise or reflect significant achievement or talent, they don't change they world or progress causes, they are just something I put together in the office one day while I was bored. So now it's time for THE BEST BEFORE BITTER AWARDS 2008!!

1. Mildly Annoying Tosser Of The Moment- FAT CHRIS (Gamestation Advertisement)

2. The Lesley Douglas Award For Professionalism, Vision and Foresight- Haringey Council

3. On Yer Bike Award For Cold Hearted Bastard With Thoughtless Policies- James Purnell

4. The 'Tatu' Award for Least Controversial Song and Video of The Year- Katy Perry-I kissed a girl

5. The Woolworths Award For Most Obvious Discount Comedy And The Most Pointless Outdated Pastiche- Peter Kay as Geraldine McQueen.

6. The Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross Quality Control Award For Being a Childish, Bitter, Cuntish Wanker But Generally Getting Away With It and Not Being Suspended, You Bastard-
George Lamb (BBC 6 music, featuring his interview with Ray Davies)

7. The Why Aren't You Funny Award- Kevin Bishop

8. Most Optimistic But Ultimately Pointless Peer Pressure Group-
Get George Lamb off 6 Music

9. Most Disappointing Use of Old Friends and Colleagues Time on Facebooks-Joining very dubious groups and causes, such as vigilante groups. This doesn't make you caring or concerned, it makes you appear rather prehistoric and fick.

10. Prince Philip 'Faux Pas' Award- Boris Johnson. This oaf's whole life seems to have been a faux pas but he can swtich his oafish act off in private many people have noted.

11. The Yes We Can Award for Continual Torture, Murder, Bullying, Starvation and Tyranny- Robert Mugabe

12. I'm Alright But Balls To You Award- Bernard L. Madoff

13. The What It Means To Be British Award- Lapland

Bye.

Best Before Resolutions

Hey-ho! Christmas, eh? Didn't it come and go so quickly? So have you snapped up all those bargains yet or are you one of those trembling, sweating, piggerish masses fighting to grab a really generic and bland t-shirt from Primark, like you normally do every other Saturday along with the other gibbering wrecks? Did you panick buy about five loafs of bread this year, you serial greedy mongs, you? Why was your party cancelled? Oh you went to a virtual one instead. How very 2008! Well, well I guess it was an early night after all with the extra blanket and the unread Italo Calvino novel. So what were your highlights? The blizzards? Zavvi and Whittards not so much as going for a Burton but going the same way as Woolworths. Maybe the death of Eartha Kitt stirred up some emotion. No? Surely we're not back to that again! OK, so the weak Sterling isn't nice, I know, I know. I reckon by the end of 2009 all those jokes about left over turkey and the old nags speech will seem somehow nostalgic.

I was only thinking about a month ago how we in Britain lead the way in our promotion and endorsement of disappointment, bitterness and incompetence. We have our very own Joker's to spread chaos and confusion to the masses in its many forms so expect more disappointment, injustices, stupidity, headaches, repressed rages and body numbing depression. but let's be OPTIMISTIC. This is indeed an optimistic place, this blog, and I won't have your tears dripping on my screenshot. I'm going to be the solution, the resolution to your new year. With my guide and resolutions for the coming year, I can guarantee that there will be a smile on your face for more than five minutes at some point in 2009.

RESOLUTIONS

*We must remember that things are NEVER as bad as they seem. When the situation is dire comfort yourself with the fact that at least you don't have toothache.

*Watch 'Mamma Mia' once a week when events feel that they are getting on top of you. Life really can be as good as an Abba song. It won't make the monsters go away and the numbing effect of Meryl Streep in dungarees doing the splits won't pay your bills but you'll be able to appreciate the merits of the real Abba after this abbaration.

*Invest or 'share' the Cut Copy album 'In Ghost Colours'. It will bring joy to your and other people's lives.

* This year, why not, instead of giving up your vices, increase them. Even if you are 72.

*Continue to loathe George Lamb. It's your natural duty.

*Save money in the new year by robbing pensioners and other vulnerable people. Obviously you will find this easier and morally justified, and will get away with it if you are an energy company or an investment banker.

*Continue to despise Andy Burnham.

*Spend 12 months listening to nothing but rare b-sides and obscure 12" singles from the year of our lord 1989.

*Continue to hate James Purnell and his disgraceful overbite!

*Don't be bitter, be defensive. In 2009 be defiant!

*Try hard not to judge your own perceived success or lack of, based upon other people's social networking updates. Life is not a party. There is no triumphant soundtrack, no cool moments where you are portrayed by an actor with a stylish haircut. There is no reprieve or reward for its hero/ego. You are entitled to nothing. Grasp those moments of happiness. They are your special features. They belong to you and you alone and are not up for sale or scrutiny.

*Continue to find Melanie Philips so reactionary, boring, dull, predictable and slightly, only very slightly a bit of an object to imagine what her legs might have looked like in a short skirt in 1980. She would appreciate this no end.

*Complete that novel set in Holland that you have been working on since 1994.

*Continue to promise to yourself and to your friends that you really must meet up with them for a beer, maybe in the half-term, no Easter! No Christmas! Oh, perhaps in three years! No, make it seven. Why not compromise and not make any promises? After all you only live about 5-10 miles from each other. Why should you phone them? Bugger it, wait till you die first. At least you won't have to be arsed going to their funeral and cursing yourself that you should have taken the time to meet up more often than three times in a lifetime.

*Break your resolutions if by any chance you've actually started them.

*Continue to let festering bitterness consume you till eventually one day you've forgotten who you used to be.

*Make a new friend. A real one. Don't collect virtual one's like Pokemon.

*Try and get away for Britain at least twice a year, even if you have to steal your mother's pension book to fund the trip. You won't be surprised how good the physical and psychological distance makes you feel.

*Popularity is overrated. You'll get more results and respect from actually being competent at what you do, in the age of incompetence and cutting corners. Whether it be writing a three minute pop song or masturbating a cyclist down in a park, excel and do it competently.

*Look after your teeth. Then you won't be mistook for a drug addict or a prostitute. You'll go down better in interviews.

*Continue to find Ed Balls a massacre of contradictions.

*Learn a new language every year. This year I'm having a go at Russian and Mandarin.

*Spend one hour every day experiencing/doing something you've never done/ felt before. It can be as pleasurable or as unpleasant as you would like it to be...make sure it's not illegal though and isn't harmful to others. And it shouldn't require a risk assessment.

*Don't watch TV for a year. Go to the cinema and theatre instead. Oh and there's libraries my beautiful proles.