Oh what a fucking year, eh? youtube, thames whales, suffolk stranglers, bird flue, ecconomic migrants, Iraq bombs, beastly Israeli's, Russian poisoners, gaming, quiz phone in's, sensationalist TV, the descent of Richard Madeley, Cosmic ordering, Noel Edmonds is alive, James Brown is dead, Castro is on the brink, Zidane, Hypocritical Man Utd fans, Man City and their chav manager, death of chavs(?), nah...
But we don't or shouldn't define our year and our lives by what the newspapers and media think is relevant. We are in a strange phase at the moment. We have the virtual power to control our lives. (It is only virtual...someone else is pulling the strings, whether it's the god of Second Life or The Sims, or Murdoch or Gates, it's anyone's guess.) Thus we blog, we 'tube' and google. Of course these are just trends which will get a bit boring, and kids will find something else, and the producers all along will wish they could have charged for these services. But the interest for celebrity gossip and the like will ebb away as we create our own self-obsessed alter egos online, or before the media. (Just as Aerial Leve) So it is in this spirit at this time of year that I host the winners of the Best Before 'Soft Target' Awards, that I came up with a couple of days ago.
THE BEST BEFORE 'SOFT TARGET' AWARDS
Among all the 'times' we are part of, much of it out-dated, let us hope that one tradition that will eventually ebb away are the dreaded Award ceremonies which are just as ubiquitous as the really naff urban myth that kids watch youtube boreathons for longer than they play computer games, watch TV, eat, masturbate and go to school. It's an impossible dream to wish that everyone will wake up from their collective mediorce consciousness and realise that these ceremonies that reward this mediorcrity and popularity as opposed to craft or ANYTHING must stop, but I am a dreamer. Instead I will continue this mockery as a punishment to you all for contributing to yet another mediorce year. So here we go...
LIFETIME UNDER ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR BEING AN UNINTENIONALLY UNFUNNY BORE WHO AS LONG AS HE LIVES WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY- Boris Johnson
MEDIA SATURATED FUCKER- Russel Brand/Jamie Oliver
THE 'OUT OF HER DEPTH' AWARD- Charlotte Church
THE 'NOT REALLY OUTSPOKEN AND WITTY AWARD AND IN FACT SHE'S JUST A GOOD LITTLE MIDDLE CLASS GIRL WITH A FAMOUS DADDY'
- Lily Allen
THE 'BAILEY RAE AND DIDO COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT BETTER' BLAND ALBUM AWARD- Lily Allen
THE LESS POPULAR BUT COINCIDENTALLY LESS MIDDLE CLASS THAT LILY AWARD- Lady Sov
A CUNTY SMUG FACE TO FRONT A SHITTY DERIVAVTIVE BAND THAT MORRISSEY AND PAUL WELLER USED TO LIKE-Preston
The YOKO ONO GOOSEBERRY AWARD-Chantelle
THE YOUTUBE CELEBRATION OF THICKOS OF ALL CLASSES AND AGES AWARD WHO ARE IN FACT THE REAL LAB RATS OF THIS SOCIAL EXPERIMENT-Big Brother Voters
THE BEST ARSE OF THE YEAR- The Saturday girl who works at my off license. Her arse really does hug those Miss Sixty Jeans like her life depends on it. How do I have the heart to ask her to sit on my face?
2006's MOST MEDIORCE PROGRAMME THAT COULDN'T DECIDED IF IT WAS FOR KIDS, FOR A RADIO AUDIENCE OR QUEER AS FOLK?-Torchwood
MOST OVERRATED BAND WITH THE MOST PUNCHABLE COVER ART-Arctic Monkey's
HUMBLE PIES AWARD- Robbie Williams
I DON'T REALLY WRITE OR RESEARCH MY ARTICLES BUT I CAN SNIFF THINGS AWARD-Victoria Newton (The Sun)
FAGHAG OF THE YEAR-Victoria Newton (The Sun)
BORING FACE OF THE YEAR AWARD- This goes to this bespectacled middle-aged Asian woman who sometimes waits at my bus stop. I feel like thumping her in the face just to give it some life and character.
SEXLESS GARMENT- For the fourth year running, the THONG. Girls, pay attention. IT DOES NOT LOOK SEXY PEEKING OUT ABOVE YOUR HIPSTERS no more than heels and jeans look cool!
Happy new year x
Smirnov
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