I'm going away to Monaco for a couple of days. I have to see the Cow Parade, and of course my favourite toilet in the whole world at the Grimaldi forum. If I'm in a good mood, maybe I'll post a picture of a cow, or the interior of the toilets. You will agree, if my photos do them justice, that they are fantastic, but being inside them is another thing. It's just a shame that they have to be used for accepting human waste when they'd make quite a nice wine bar. Then maybe I'll get off to VIP club. But we'll see. In the meantime here's a lovely picture that's being developed for a poster, for an upcoming satire.

'LOST' + Undue attention

They are in fact living in the future...after a wayward nuclear explosion blew their plane out of the sky, and shed a cargo of pigs and polar bears over three islands. The fact that this plot device has been ripped off ITV's , 1999 series, 'The Last Train' doesn't matter much to the yankos. Future episodes? Think 28 days, meets, The Beach, meets Blue Lagoon, meets Dr. Moreau, and you're way off. Think Fantasy Island, Castwaway, Lord of the Flies, and, god, you're not even close. Think 24, think 24, think X-files, think Models inc. It hurts but this is where the producers are at. Don't think Mork and Mindy though. Yes, ironically it's also true that the scripts were lost after the third episode, which is why Ron Howardsway, had to start from scratch, with a crayon, and a bag of angel dust. But really, in three years Locke dies...and the social experiment that the island is, will be taken over by Walt.

Don't you hate reading bogus blogs claiming to know all the rumours about what's going to happen in soaps? Don't you hate reading blogs where the height of humour is discussing the fact that all the streets where they live are named after birds? Now this is where I feel cutting off fingertips wouldn't be a bad idea. Someone should have done that to Rowling years ago. I'm sick of having my book launches hi-jacked by middle-class kids dressed as witches, clutching Harry Potter, and getting in the way of my modest queue. Popular culture? And what gives Rowling the leave to present herself as a godess in that interview with Paxman? She really is a witch! (And yes, it is jealousy. Have you seen how much money the bitch earns? Who wouldn't be envious of that...for creating nothing more than a rip off that racist cow, Blyton, and Potter, who isn't racist as for as I know.) Someone should hi-jack her launches...any ideas? Ooh incitment...slap my wrists, Mr right dishonourable Clarke.

No blogs aren't about seeking attention for me. I get too much attention if anything, usually from men, normally bald, with tight shirts and expensive aftershave. I'm going to have to stop going to Elton John parties. (Or Jabba, as I like to call John, since he calls me Pippi, and like Jabba, he has his hangers on. But he's lovely. Isn't the video for Electricity really beautiful? How many men in their late 50's can be in a video where two boys, Billy Elliot, and a 16 year old can innocently dance and embrace while being leered at, by a bloke behind a piano? No, bless Jabba, I love him, in a way.)

Bolloggs to Popular Culture?

I've decided to be nice to my publishers and agent and include a blog of my thoughts, and dish dirt about the foul celebrities I have to put up with almost on a daily basis. My agent thinks I should be looking to comment more on popular culture, and promote my work. But what could be more popular and common than writing a blog? Now I'm not a reviewer as such, I write plays and films and things, but I know enough about critics, celebs and their habits to last me a lifetime.

My partner wants it to be a space to consider some of my creative ideas, TV proposals, ideas for musicals, concept albums and the like. We'll see. Maybe it could prove to be an entertaining launch pad for a couple of projects, and to share news, rumours and gossip. You wouldn't believe the stuff I hear. I'll have to let you know what's in the pipeline. As for my blog title, Best Before, you're gonna have to wait and see what all that it is about, but it revolves around a few things that have happened and may happen again to yours truly, and is linked as well to the launch of my new multimedia project due to take place in Manchester, UK. It's all hush, hush, well it was...but Manchester isn't what it was, and after the experience I had, will never be the same. I'll also let you know something about Lindsay Lohan very soon. I have spies everywhere, and since I'm going through my current obsession with her...I even dragged myself down to Leicster Square (god I've never spelt that word right. No excuse...I'm there enough) for the Herbie:Fully Loaded premiere, just to see her in the flesh. But was she there? And I now know why. Really. Well, allegedly.