The Peter Principle or Pop! Goes Peter Kay's Career

Following yet another DVD of 'recent' material with its unforgettable jokes and his appearances on Michael Parkinson chat show, 'Best Before' can bring you an exclusive extract from Kay's new routine.

Peter Kay: Alternative comedy? Eh? What's that about? Can't be doing wi it! It's all Japanese to me! Remember that song, 'Turning Japanese'? There was this kid at our school who looked Japanese. Remember them?

No laughter.

Garlic bread! Big light! Mr T, eh? Remember that? Mobile discos? It's all mobile phones now innit? Aren't northerners funny? The things they say in our street. Home bargains, eh? What's all that about? Saint and Greavsie? He couldn't stop laughing at Greavsie could our Saint? Remember 12 " singles! They went on FOREVER! Michael Knight , eh? Remember Kitt? He were right snooty weren't he? Remember the 70s? We used to ask Ice Cream man for any broken cornets! 'Hey! Got any broken cornets?' Brass buttons! Best butter! Aren't old people funny? The things they say! You have to speak up!

The silence is deafening. Forever more.

Smirnov: Having had the misfortune to catch Kay's 'Pop Goes The X Factor...' recently it's clear that as many have said, he is just another one trick pony. Sure many critics have claimed that this show largely failed because, well the original target, was far funnier and desperate. Those who enjoyed the show have claimed that it's a bit of fun, and the malcontents just didn't 'get it'. Ah, that old phrase. 'didn't get it.' What's to 'get'? Yes we are aware that it resembled a satire, yes we are plainly simplistically aware of its perceived 'target.'. We know, although it's five years out of date it is a worthy target. But why is it not funny? Why is it not more harsh? I'm sick of toothsome soft comedy. And if the single release from the show 'The Winner's Song' is not supposed to be lapped up by squealing Kaylites, why are they buying it? Is this all part of the satire. 'We hate the X-Factor but what the hell...might as well get the single and DVD?' Don't those fuckers 'get it'!?

As you can guess I've never been a fan of this sacred cow, although I can acknowledge when my arm's been twisted, that Phoenix Nights does have it's moments. To me that's where Kay could work. He can clearly play comic characters to some average and competent extent when the material is well written, 'Max and Paddy' aside. But he'll never be Peter Sellers. You have to wonder if there is anything new, progressive and original in there. Especially his stand up stuff. What's left after all the observational stuff about the 80s, old adverts, music, big lights and garlic bread? Like the X-Factor which is very much a parody of itself, will the same fate await Kay? Will there be an endless season of Peter Kay stand-up at the Bolton Albert Halls, a one man tribute to himself, a kind of low level Elvis in Vegas where night after night Kay just recounts his weary gags night week after week, until someone does us all a favour and knocks down the Bolton Albert Halls and the council it's attached to, just to give us some peace? I'm already tired of Kay trying to create historic chat show moments by being prickish on Parky. I can't bear to think that there'll be more. I can't bear it. But that's not all. You too can re-experience his wit time and time again with the announcement of yet ANOTHER DVD Christmas release of 'Special K', a compilation of old material, Parky appearances and the naff Geraldine McQueen skit, accompanied by his shit eating gurn. It's good to be the Kay.

Electric Dreams Part 5: Phil Oakey goes shopping!

Hi-ya!

I love shopping, me. Always loved it, ever since my first visit to Wigan Centre Arcade in 78. I remember marvelling at the then futuristic escalators ferrying people to and from the delights of D/E/R and the Gas showrooms. The lights and glass. It was like I was inside 'Logans Run' or something. You know, some people have problems with shopping malls, especially these days but I think they're fascinating places. They still bewitch me today. They attract all the dregs, the alienated, the deluded, the fashionatas, the wannabe's, the lost and loose...it's basically a patchwork of post 20th century society. (Christ I sound like I've been at the Yorkshire booze again!) In fact me and the girls wanted to record the lost Abba song, 'I am the city' in 93. We never did though. Couldn't be arsed.

When I was growing up there was nowt around. Most pubs were full of old blokes drinking pints o' mild and the town centre was full of butcher's, fishmongers and rolling fruit and veg stalls. Older generations often moan when a big supermarket is built over a stadium or a field but they're the first one's through the door when it opens. When the shopping centre in Leeds was modernised sometime in the late 70s, early 80s it was as if someone had dropped a piece of New York into the place. It was like going from three channels on TV to about a thousand! It would no longer be like 1962 everyday! Now when I go into Leeds every fortnight to get me mix CD's, a few science fiction DVD's and a couple of mags I like it. It's like I'm still going out with me pocket money and buying the things I've earned the right to buy. I do miss the old 12" singles it has to be said but what can yer do? The last DVD's I bought were 'The Ghost Whisperer', 'Supernatural', the last season of 'Doctor Who' and season one of 'Ashes To Ashes'. I lap 'em all up, me! Magwise I buy 'Dreamwatch' and 'Word' magazine.

As for Crimbo shopping, I'm not so keen wi' it. All those people panic buying bread and milk just for one soddin' day. Doesn't make sense to me. It sickens me actually. All the crap that goes to waste because a few piss pots with eyes bigger than their bellys, wi wallets more packed than their heads, don't give a fuck. It isn't fucking 'Threads' you know. Even when there's more than a few times when you pray it was. You practically will the apocoplypse.

This will be my last entry till 2009. I've got a tour and a new album to concentrate on for now. I'd like to thank Smirnov Kool for offering me a place to vent, give advice and to talk about stuff and to Richard Hawley for giving 'Louise' a new lease of life with Tony Christie. You should buy his album, 'Made in Sheffield' It's boss. Lastly thank you to all the visistors of this blog for making me feel right welcome. As Arnie said, 'I'll be back...believe it baby...' or something like that.

We'll always be together.
x

Phil