Philip Oakey's Electric Dreams Part 4: Technology

Hi Ya!
Been a while, 'an't' it? I've been rehearsing with the League for a tour in November/December. I want to talk to you about computers and technology. I'll try my hand at anything me, cooking, surfing, swimming and driving, even pie eating but technology and me don't mix that much. Just because I know my way around a synth or two you'd be forgiven for thinking that I'd be well into computers. Wrong!

Like most of yer us simple Yorkshire folk still get wound up big time by computer viruses, printer problems and internets. For this blogsode I'm gonna do my best to give you clinical, Human League advice on how to tackle problems with yer computers and wi new technology in general. This blog entry has been programmed with you in mind. The solutions normally sort my problems out.

FISHING
You might see this term misspelt as 'phishing'. But it's wrong. Because it's actually people who email you and 'fish' for information such as your bank details, birthdates, phone numbers and star signs. Nowt to with 'Ph'. It's FISH.

Solution. Tell them to fuck off. Send a virus to them. Then do what my mate calls a 'system restore'.

Computer Hijacks
I'm not suggesting for a minute that someone's gonna make your computer fly itself to Libya or throw itself at a building. But some sad bastard from Malayasia, Moscow or Miami, some low-life with spots, bad wind and no girlfriend have the technology to take over your compewters and can easealy direct your broswrs to porn sites, casinos or even dick about in your blog accounts making you slpell fings wrong cause phil oakley is a bastard...Don't worry you haven't been hacked. I was just joking. Course I know how to spell. And I'm not really a bastard.

Solution. System restore. Or go to download.com. There are things there. You baSAtards.

Viruses/Worms
These little bastards, once in your system are difficult to flush out. You can drink as much water as possible and take loads of headache tablets but the virus is still there, hiding away, and messing up your insides. Now I'm told if you reinstall your computer it pretty much has the same effect. I've had to replace a few computers because of these monsters. Some of you will be aware that it's these so called anti-virus firms that offer the solution. That's kind of like some drug pusher offering able get your kids off smack.

Solution. Invest in an Apple Computer. And Don't take smack.

GUITAR HERO
Don't get me started on this. I'm sick of hearing about it. I blame Guitar Hero for the spate of dinosaur rock acts infecting the album charts and the television. I blame Guitar Hero for the shite that's Nickelback or Kid Rock. Where's the fun in mauling a plastic thing and getting some screeching, unrestrained notes out of it? How rock n roll is a computer game for kids anyway? Can't imagine a 'Punk Hero' or 'Vocal Hero' or 'Porn Hero' meself. What about 'Synth Star'? Thought not. Face it, Guitar Hero is karaoke for failed rock stars. It's shit as well.

iPhone
i know. It's been out for ages. Haven't got one. Well...all right. I have. Fuckin' love it. Don't know how to work the thing or make calls...but it can time my egg for me.

Wii
Old news. I've been hearing of folk getting 'wii elbows'. Honest to God. On Sarah Palin's life! Fraid it's a bit like Guitar Hero for me this white rabbit. I did pop into Leeds a month ago and pick myself one up. But it's a lot of nonsense, not as infectious or romantic as Ping Pong or Asteriods. That's the problem with computer games culture it's taken youth culture out of the amusement arcades. They were great places to meet up, date girls, have a smoke, tap your mates for cash and ask the lady at the change counter for a coffee! And you could listen to the latest pop songs by The Human League.

Well that's it for today. I'm off to Zavvi in Leeds. Well tomorrow. When it's open. If it's not raining.

Philip Oakey is currently listening to Neon Neon's 'Stainless Style' album. He has also provided the song 'Louise' for Tony Christie's forthcoming album 'Made in Sheffield'.

For more info about the tour
http://www.nme.com/news/human-league/40523

Martin Creed: Work Shy

I like art, its meaningless, its sincerity, how it evolves, devolves, explores, implores, holds up mirrors, smashes them to pieces, distorts time, space and place, distrusts, confesses, rejects, confronts, entertains and enlightens. I love it. Honest. I like art when it's beautiful, when it's ugly, how it can arouse or molest the senses. I've seen it in Rothko, in Gormley, with Hopper, Caulfield among quite a long list of others...but I've yet to feel anything significant about Martin Creed, particularly in his recent installation Work 850. I wasn't exactly endeared when I came across Work 227: Lights going on and off. I'll allow Channel 4's Jon Snow and Nicholas Glass to take up the background, for those of you who have been buried under Martian ice.

http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1529573111?bclid=1640055074&bctid=1640111623

I'm not the first and I won't be the last to stake the claim that Creed comes across as a lazy, self-indulgent, bullied, cop out, that his work embodies everything that is just plain wrong about The Turner Prize and all those 90s Brit artists that were fashionable for about two hours. I just find his work mediorce. Why the press interest? Why the hype? I can see that, beyond, the lack of concept, there is something vaguely intriguing, if not unoriginal, about people running through art galleries like arseholes, especially if they are pretentious artists being chased by masked knife men.

If this project had been conceived by someone else, say Bob Champion or Mary Decker, then it would have some mileage. But from the prism of Creed's psyche, and we know he has form, you get the understandable inkling that his cynical, smug, bad judgement has got the better of him again. It feels as if he gives most of his projects about 5 seconds thought while he's on the bog, which incidentally, I reckon he rather enjoys a bit too much.

It's OK to evolve, Martin! Try it someday. He should do a video installation, a self-portrait called Being Repeatedly Punched In The Face.