Well, well, well. Time has passed. Time's change. It's been a little while, and I've not been very busy. No-one cares, the knives are out, their minds are closed for business, and so I plow on with this little pointless quest to bring truth and justice to our pissed world. And what a world it is. There's money everywhere but none of it in our pockets. You've got to take the deal when you can, to become a quizmaniacal Euro millionaire. At the right time. You've got to shaft and backstab someone in a lift, to get to the top. And what's it like at the top? It's full of pathetic miserable bastards crawling, creeping, practically, squirming in the mud, clawing bodies out of the way. Enough about my day at Cafe Nero...
Here's a short guide on how to write an episode of Smallville.
1. Jonathan Kent's dead. All you had to do when writing for him is to make sure he's fixing something at the farm, like a tractor, and stubbornly forbidding Clark to show off his powers. From the right angle as well he looks like John Shuttleworth.
2. Clark and Lex's relationship still needs to maintain that homoerotiscim, which in my view, is what makes the show work and is stronger than many of its US teen counterparts. So, make sure there's a scene in which, at least, Clark storms into baldies mansion, and demands some kind of explanation about anything. Then follow it with undertones of tension and not too subtle polemics about the nature of truth and friendship. Always end the scene with Lex looking off reflectively. Activities for Lex, usually playing pool, drinking blue bottled water, or pouring himself some bourbon or brandy, while looking longingly at Clark. Of course WB will deny it because that's the kind of folks they are.
3. Always make sure you try and include a piece of music, to play under the scene, which, when edited will be timed to climax, with a big overhead camera angle. You must always include something that's considered cool in the US, and is often English. Something like Depeche Mode or Coldplay normally suffices. But they have been know to play James Cunt. It really is that shallow.
4. Chloe must always be at her laptop and be able to hack into ANYWHERE on a whim. She's Clark's personal search engine. Make sure you always write her suitable dialogue which will give Allison Mack enough room, to look longingly at Clark, knowing what never could have been. Again, lots of unrequited love and deep bitterness, are always guaranteed to get big laughs. I didn't know she was German. That's got to be good. I bet her character would do ANYTHING for a good story.
5. Any episode normally follows plot wise like this. Some kid is infected with special powers that they got for Kryptonite. They are usually outsiders=evil. They normally kill, and take Lana hostage. Clark usually has to dispatch them. But you can actually deviate and just write somethign where that Kreuk whore is being self-obsessed and tedious, and, ordinary. Honestly, she's a ten year old girl in the body of a 16 year old going on 50. I cannot understand why anyone who isn't 10 years old, American, white, middle class would gave a flying meteor of shit about her. Let alone the actress. So you could kill her off. That would be my advice. After gang rape maybe. That's your lookout though. Remember kids. It's just for fun. Do not attemtp these ideas in real life.
6. Lionel usually does anything to annoy his son. He could just sit behind him for a whole scene and just stroke his chin. That would be enough.
7. Rip some/all of the plots off from Superman II
But nevertheless, formulaic, and naff as it sometimes is, Smallville has me fucking hooked. It's a little less predictable in the recent seasons, and although know how it well end, it's worth it to watch the performance of Michael Rosenbaum, and particularly his dynamics with Tom Welling. Generally it's an effective entertainment. Of course, Lana is a rubbish character, and I have no sympathy for her or her relationship with Clark. It's only a shame her horrific death was nothing more than fantasy.
