Best Before End

This website was for those who were bored, angered, aroused, disengaged, disturbed, tormented and baffled by popualr culture and new media and society. It's for those who are sick of wiping the digital, verbal, visual, audio vomit off our faces almost everyday from the bullshit that is spoon fed our way. This blog was conceived way, way before Charlie Brooker pretended to be angry for a living, before I committed anything to a blogging template, and no doubt will still be funnier than the ridiculous, imaginative 10 O' Clock Show he has become part of. His new hairstyle alone would be enough to inspire a headbutt.

But alas even though the blog's now over,  all the shit talking, the crap things we have to endure in the name of life and entertainment will unfortunately continue. Everything will be dumbed down to the point where the silence will be deafining. I want to say it's been fun and a pleasure to write this shit but it hasn't really. It's been more like a public service, which rather than serving the public, is akin to screaming, tearfully, bitterly into the wind.  If you're happening on this for the first time and you like the idea of it, and maybe have not the faintest idea why I'm talking so much shit, then refer to previous blog posts. Here's a few lowlights, and they are lowlights. There are better examples in the blog, and some genuinely riveting moments of good writing inside the insane waffling.

Dark Comedy
'Nighty Night really is a pile of shit, dressed up as 'ooh, look, clever dark comedy' , and why didn't no-one give a shit about Lucas and Walliams when they were funnier in Pie and Mash? Don't talk to me about comedy. My whole fucking life is a comedy.'


Hilary Duff

'...christ oh christ wept buckets, why did this airhead really feel that anyone would find her pathetic Paris Hilton act complete with pooch fashion accessory anything less than stomach-churningly dull or duff? Please call the RSPCA. Someone needs putting down fast. '

Christmas 'office' parties bullshit.
'I don't have an office to party in, or indeed any office staff to party with, or seduce them in the stock cupboard. So it's difficult to not feel left out, because, according to the national press that's where all the action is, everyone's having office parties, they've always had office parties...I've got some empty can of diet coke, some empty bottles as well, and I've emptied the toilet duck plastic bottles I've been collecting. I'm looking to using them as makeshift baubles and bells for the tree and perimeter of the house. Ideally, I'd like to light the toilet duck bottles from the inside. Any piece of crap that you can get your hands on would be much appreciated. Fuck the electric bill.'

Sensationsalist TV shows and Mini motorbikes


* The Woman Who Gave Birth To Her Sister
* ASBO Babies (a spin off from ASBO Pensioners)
* 4x4 Timebombers
* The Boy Whose Brain Grew Out Of His Arse
* Help, My Son Is a Spoilt Attention Seeker Who I Believe Has ESP. I'm Really That Weak, Insecure And Gullible
* The Laughing Rapist-A profile of Roger The Clown
* The Woman Whose Teeth Exploded One Saturday in Marks and Spencer
* Diary of an STD Addict
* The Pissed and The Serious: The Story of the Mini Motorbike and the Knobs That Ride Them

 'I'm glad these mini motorbikes are being crushed. Not because they are noisy or they are anti-social but for the sole reason that the plebs who ride them look so dorky and pathetic with their legs sticking out. It's just a shame that these modern day clowns won't be crushed while strapped in to their toys. That would make good tele, eh? Now...when is someone going to deal with 4x4 owners and their families in the same way...'

Neighbours
An ex-neighbour, or rather some toothless harpy, who sort of moevd in with my dishevelled neighbour called Sean.
'My neighbour's laugh...HER laugh really is the ugliest sound in the world. It inspires murderous thoughts.'

Hype
'The only thing you can be sure of is that when there's a hype, YOU KNOW it's going to be shit. YOU KNOW that the 'tastemakers' and the media are fucking hopeless, and wouldn't know a good thing if it stabbed their dying father in the face.'

That Sudanese Bear thing
'200.000 teachers marched across Europe yesterday to demand that Sudan be given 80 lashes after it emerged that President Omar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir named his teapot 'Jesus Blood'.'

On shit comics.
'Katy Brand was recovering last night after discovering that her pamphlet of carefully fashioned catchphrases went missing in Whetherspoons. Brand, no relation to archaic Russell, who still has to shoot to fame for her hilarious portrayal of Kate Winslett in her BBC 3 comedy, 'Katy's Fat Anus' as a 'normal' person ad nauseum, long after we've got the joke, is said to be in a state of shock.'

Manesfesto
'I want a Britain where the term 'aspiration' should no longer go hand in hand with rewarding stupidity, presenting emaciated models as being an acceptable size, owning child killing SUV's as an acceptable mode of transport which best defines your upwardly mobile status, no longer compete with other mediorce people to attain mediorce aspirations, fame and celebrity, absurd hairstyles, saying the word 'Carbon footprints' or emissions because you think it makes you look great...I demand a Britain that fully realises and understands that Peter Kay is not the comic genius you think he is but a substandard, substitute for the end of the pier acid porridge that spews from the mouth of Roy 'Chubby' Brown.'

Channel 4
'What is particularly hateful about hiring Gok Wan and according to Channel 4 the 'cool and collected' Miss Nicky Hambleton-Jones (who by the way looks at least in her late 40s. Maybe she's actually 58. Result!) is that some sadistic fuckers have looked at these new media reprobates, their lack of style and thought, 'Cool. Let's give them a series!'

Dr Tanya Byron
'I can't quite put my finger on what it is I hate about Dr Tanya Byron.'

Shit music magazines.
'Wouldn't it be great if the NME folded?'

Sean Kingston
'I'd hate to have him babysitting my niece. Just look at his face when he ogles the girls in his music videos. It's evil.'

On Ed Balls
'...with Balls...I don't know. Something cuts deeper. I've always found that man deeply, deeply unpleasant. It's not that he would look like a Nazi if his terrible hairstyle was shaved off, it's not the disdainful way he comes across in interviews when he's losing, always losing the arguments. Unlike most New Labour MP's, who shrug off questions with irrelevant and patronising statistics and untruths, Balls has that twinkle of murder in his eyes as he tries to maintain his dignity. I don't like it. I wouldn't be surprised if it was discovered that he'd beaten up women or bullied old people.'

Crap columists
'I've always found Melanie Philips (pictured) for any number of reasons a bit of a bore. Haven't you? Why not tell her? http://www.spectator.co.uk/melaniephillips/ '

 'Meh' artists like Martin Creed
'It's OK to evolve, Martin! Try it someday. He should do a video installation, a self-portrait called Being Repeatedly Punched In The Face. '

Jennifer Love -Hewitt
'Having had the misfortune to see 'The Ghost Whisperer' which we know is addictively shit, it appears that Jennifer Love-Hewitt is apparently relaunching her country and western music career. WHAT CAREER?'

A TV writer that used to be funny.
'Fuck off, Richard Curtis, you boring old bastard. And you look like the Spitting Image puppet of Barry Norman.'

A scary, scary person.
'Timbaland must immediately stop appearing in videos. What's with his eyes? His he blind or something...'

Scary teens.
'Imagine the film  'Terminator 3-Rise of the Machines' and substitute it for chavs. It’s a terrible vision of the future isn’t it?'

Shit coloumists part 2
'Jan Moir has died of dubious causes. Apparently a knife wound to her jugular. A bottle of Amyl Nitrate was discovered lodged up her fat arse. Hmm...I find nothing suspicious about this death knowing how many people she pissed off with her poor prose about gay popstars.'

Peter Kay
'When he dies I doubt Bolton would get over it. They'd erect a big fuck off scary statue that will scare the sensitive souls and re-release 'Armarillo' as a kind of demented 'Candle in The Wind.' '

James Cordon
'Don't insult our intelligence Corden. But because like Kay, he's in your face like vomit and spittle from an unpleasant patient in a care home, and he's cuddly, he's some kind of genius. Right.'

Bad incidental music mixes on terrible kids TV shows.
'What's the point of Murray Gold? Oh, he writes the incidental music for Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures! Right. So what's the point of incidental music? Well it's kind of music that plays underneath a scene, sets the tone, adds atmosphere, etc. Although incidental music works better when it's unobstrusive. However in Gold's hands unobtrusive is the equivalent of a kid smearing your face with baby food, and laughing. It's as unobtrusive as a Guardian columist's personal life.'

Yeah, you get the point.

Best Before End : Cutting Corners



So, you folks feeling the pinch? What, you mean you haven't been queuing at petrol stations, panic buying, because of the VAT rise? Are you insane? Oh I see, there were no big queues at Shell Garages but there was at the supermarkets, because the berks all thought it was cheaper per litre when they weren't? Beat the VAT cuts? How does one really do that? Did you spend everything you're likely to spend in one year in one day? No? Right.

I had the ill-luck to see this daft cow (no not that daft cow pictured) on The Tonight Show, a special called 'Christmas or Bust'. This daft bitch,  Kate, was kind of moaning about only having £2,000 to spend this christmas, since she was tightening her belt. £2,000?!? How big is her family. In all seriousness it's actually obscene.  This programme was probably watched by families that can barley scrape £150 for presents and food at the best of times.

J Har...Hartley! Brewer

 Yeah, I know, I shouldn't let her get to me. We know she's more famous for having a cleveage than the bullshit she spouts, and the harpie wants to justify her services as an after dinner speaker for over 1K. What recently got on my nerves was this really lazy item on The One Show, harping on about cuts, and how they are coming and how they would hurt blah blah, particularly, oh so obviously, the hard working, tax paying, god fearing, right thinking, middles classes. Oh won't someone please think of the middle classes! Fuck me she and her lot are shit. Above this, and like the shit with The Tonight Show, what was the point? Is it meant to stir us from the collective zombiedom of Sky TV and Domino's pizza, to take to the streets? Is it supposed to make us go 'humph!' and throw our fist down on the side of the armchair? What is the point teling us something we kind of already know and knew? Cunts.

THE TEA PARTY

'How curious...how does one 'tea bag' Sarah Palin?'



BARONESS WASARMI



She doesn't like gays much.

 Is it just me who thinks that she's full of shit? You kind of feel that she's letting her sex down.

Best Before End: Thank You For The Music

According to Pop Justice the best album of 2010 is...(drum roll/rolls eyes) Happiness by HURTS. Pop Justice are of course entitled to like what they like and to have an opinion about it. Here's mine. It's really not very good. Wonderful Life is ace, Better Than Love is ace but the rest of the album is two guys posturing as if they are Tears for Fears/Black/Blanmange/Lotus Eaters/ insert name of generic 80s band here. The tracks sound like they've been put through the Guy Chambers cliche blender. It's not a good album, and any comparisons to Pet Shop Boys are particularly daft. Pet Shop Boys make better music, Pet Shop Boys are more original, Pet Shop Boys are Better Than Hurts.

But if PJ wants to champion this, along with many misfires it has in the past, and write about the damp squibs and X Factor with any kind of passion and continnual irrelevance than that is really up to them. It is, I suppose, a harmless, curious website which could have something going for it, if for the life of itself, it knew what it really wanted to be. At the moment it seems to thrive off pretending to really, honestly, really like cheap pop music, especially the pop music that seems to be fiddled into the ear lobes of the great unwashed via the medium of ITV. This is wrong. Not because there is anything wrong about music of all types but because, well, at a time when there is genuinely more exciting pop music around like Grum, Aeroplane and Cut Copy, to name three, PJ forever feels that the burning discvoveries or pointless inanities we, the reader, really, really have to know about, because it's so amazing is/are: The Saturdays, JLS, Mini Vida, X Factor, Scouting For Girls, Girls Can't Catch (remember them?) X Factor, Alesha Dixon,  and oh yeah, X Factor! Of course PJ mentions Gaga, Kylie and even Pet Shop Boys every so often to show that they are normal like everyone else. But they prefer their pop stars to be wank, have no stage presence, be totally ordinary, or pointlessly overblown and to make shit music that doesn't set a matchstick alight, let alone the charts or people's imaginations. Because ooh, that's what you don't expect! Music journalism it ain't.

BEADY EYE

The name of this band is like a pisstake. It's what me and a pal would have come up with to extend the career of a fictional rock star who has lost his mind and ability to make music. Funnily enough the NME don't get this. They believe that there is obviously enough interest in post-Oasis activity to justify pointless hype about the ex-members of the tribute to Status Quo. I guess this is just one of a million examples of why NME has been shit since 1994. So, does Liam's new band push the boat out? Will we get an album or even at least twenty seconds of something that gives the impression that Liam has matured, has progressed, wants to experiment, wants to rip up the rule book and redefine, nay, reform his musical ways, that once defined the conservative, bland pop of the 90s? Will he? Does he? On balance, so far, does he fuck? Same old same old. It's like there was no music created after 1966. Let's have a look at the album cover. Perhaps we'll get something modern, that will piss on the idea of Liam and his pals being some old retro, pub rock band...

Right, remember what I was saying at the start of this article, 'bout me and my pal making up fictional bands? This is what a fictional album cover would look like. I'll give Beady Eye their dues. They are good for a laugh.

BIFFY CLYRO

I don't get it.

Best Before End Part: The Future of Television

Cunts.

We're already fucked. This is a photograph of the 'cast' from ITV 2's high end 'soap' The Only Way Is Essex. I had the misfortune to catch this while endlessly channel hopping, because when you have Virgin Media's 'Medium' package or Freeview, that's essentially what counts for an evenings viewing. For a few minutes I wondered if this was a parody. This idea alone is bad enough. Then I made the link, the truth dawned on me. 'Hang on, this is ITV 2! Of course it isn't a parody.' Yes, readers, these living and breathing Ken and Barbie's are real! Somehow they have money and mobility to be as tacky and as vile as they like and because they are so mind-crushingly stupid, they can't see it, let alone care about it. With phrases and constant banalities like 'Ohmigod.', 'No!', 'Shut up!', they're like a bad Catherine Tate sketch. And they are vile. Take Mark Wright. I don't deny he's good looking and has lots of cash. This doesn't worry me. If he approves of the air-headed orange faced bimbos who hang around him like the smell of unshowered spunk, that's his look out. But he's a cunt. Or it could be the editing to make him out to be a cunt. If he had a brain he'd have some form of empathy. But he wears his ignorance and cunty attitude towards the female members of the cast with that kind of pointless pride that might have been in fashion in Hornblower's time.

That's one of the problems though. These people are dangerous because of the bubble of ignorance and fantasy they live inside. Kind of like typical viewers of ITV 2. You could  suggest that it's all harmless fun, like most 'soaps' or 'reality' shows, or punching a tramp in the face for so long that it makes your fist sore. But if only they were harmless. More than anything NOTHING happens. The characters and the events are so boring. It's not aspirational or inspirational. It's BORING! More than that, hateful. This is what those who complain about this show ruining the image of Essex should be getting riled about. But as ever, this will get pushed onto us at the expense of genuine new talent, such is ITV's quest to be the Heat magazine version of broadcast media. In the media universe the stupid reign supreme. Long live the stupid.



MORGANA SHOW

She can do Fearne, you see?

This came in from a meeting at Channel 4. Idea for a comedy show. Take a wacky, wacky personality kind of like French and Saunders or Catherine Tate and Katy Brand, you know really amusing women who are so talented they don't resort to lazy, stereotyped characters, cliches and  basic catchphrase comedy, and let's create a new show that attacks and satirises really, really hard targets, so that everyone will take a long hard long at the world and be ashamed of themselves. Especially Fearne Cotton. Fuck it, just commission something as awful as those examples with all the worst, overdone aspects. Channel 4 viewers are finally daft enough to put up with the crap we throw at them.

So Morgana. She can do Fearne Cotton you know. According to some on twitter, an impersonation of Fearne just being over enthuisastic is the stuff of legends. It's more iconic and funny than DEL BOY FALLING THROUGH A BAR.  Because you see, Fearne Cotton is a bit enthusastic. Get it? So it's funny. And the fact that it's like this every episode, with Fearne being overly enthusiastic is bound to be funny because it'll knock Fearne Cotton down a peg or to, because Fearne Cotton is an over enthusiastic bitch.And she's a mate and can't stop going on about it and playing the clips on her show, so amused as she is by someone impersonating her.  As we've learnt from Little Britain it's highly, highly amusing to repeat the same basic gag every week, because it makes it funnier and it'll be funnier still when channels devoted to old television programmes repeat the repeated basic gags over and over and over again till the end of time.

But Morgana is actually very clever at creating complex characters, She can do a poor Boris Johnson. Not purposely odd like Reeves and Mortimer portray people but just poor. She can do jokes about people with mental illness. Mental illness is funny without any context isn't it? Don't listen to me Morgana, just let all your mates in Yes Yes Land endow you with faint praise. Fucking wank.

Frankie, minus hair and glasses.

FRANKIE BOYLE

'He looks like a sex criminal.' That's what should be quoted on the back of his book because for all it's logic that's the kind of observation he'd find blisteringly humourous. In a way this lack of logic and randomness to Frankie Boyle's stand up and his terrible show Tramadol Nights is characteristic. You would have thought that if there was something beyond making fun of disabled people, gay people, black people and all the obvious targets for offense he might be onto something. It doesn't challenge anything though. Not even the bounds of taste or taboos. Or audience response to them. Maybe it wouldn't have to if it was funny, which is essentially the only remit of comedy, but there also lies the problem. 'Mock The Week' isn't funny. You can see the desperation and forced laughter on the hosts face. You can hear it in the audience. Not a great breeding ground for comedy. Russell Howard's boss eye makes him vaguley amusing (see what I did there Frankie) and that, bloody useless, whatsherface, Ganeesh Yashmer(?) are hardly inspiring. Boyle's interludes when he wasn't crowd pleasing could be amusing. However he seems to have found his level and will milk it for all its worth, inspiring dozens of pissed up plebs who watch his show to laugh at the unfortunate just because its funny. It's the kind of comedy that comes from a a ginger haired kid with specs who was bullied at school. Very sad. To think that Channel Four had Chris Morris for a while. Tsk.

Best Before End: Human Wrongs

'Bitch'

Her name's Ruby Thomas. This is what she looks like. She might be balding a bit but she has that French look of an enfant terrible, a child actress. She stamped on a mans chest and kicked him to death because, well it doesn't matter, there is no justification. For a laugh probably. According to some reports her looney dad did time for stabbing a taxi driver 28 times. Vegetable mentality.



'Enjoys golden showers'

 This is her homophobic mate, Rachael Burke. In a different life she could work in a bakers, a rough one probably. She got a clip round the ear and told not to stamp on gay men again. Perhaps she'll pee on them for a living. She really looks the type. I post these pics because of course I wouldn't want you to terrorise them for all their living days or make their lives hell. We wouldn't want that.  And the third stooge is,

'Another childish caption'

This muppet is Joel Alexander. It's probably the way the picture's been captured but fuck what has this gormless tosser got going for him? Now I haven't been to the court or to the interviews or was there so I don't know exactly what happened in detail, such as who said what, who started what? None of that matters because Ian Baynham was killed for no reason. You get that? No reason. He didn't rape the girls, bugger them in front of their mothers. He didn't threaten to burn their houses or piss on their cigs. The fact that he was gay is NOT a reason, the fact that he wouldn't stand for their lip is not a reason,  that they were thick cunts, the idea that he might have been pimping them, the fact that the girls might have been pissed up is not an excuse. How long can we go on looking for reasons? These people were responsible. Simple. What is just, if not more hateful, is that through fear, no-one obviously came to the poor bloke's aid.

Let's not look for excuses or try and find ways to understand it. You can't. People unfortunately are cunts, no matter how they get there. You don't need me to tell you what the broad term of 'human rights' mean to most people, and how its being abused at every level everywhere. You would think that in a relatively civillised, western country we understand human rights. We want to protect and look out for each other. Do you? Well you're naive. People are cunts. It's in our nature and even that is not an excuse. But we should know better. You know in less developed socities women and gay people get stoned to death or hanged for fuck all.  If these places got their priorities right we'd be bricking these three fucking cunts to death instead. This is not an issue about 'broken britain' bollocks. Britain and the world was never right to begin with. Depressing, These hate filled, shit faced wankers have no human right to take away Ian Baynham's rights. None.

Right, depressingly here's my next picture.

Can't drive.

This arsehole is Aso Mohammed Ibrahim. He killed a 12 year old girl, Amy Houston. Believe it or not, this alone is not the issue that's causing controversy. It's the fact that as an asylum seeker he won't be deported and the courts recently said he shouldn't be deported. Now I'm not arsed about asylum seekers. Doesn't concern me. What I'm pissed about and rightly so is the idea that because this wanker, who can't even drive, now has a family, to send him back to Iraq would be a breach of his human rights and those of his wife and children. Hm. You wonder if the most humane thing to do for his family would be to lock him in a shed in Siberia and beat it with planks. Or mowing into the cunt with a 4X4. You're talking about a spinless, arsehole who left a girl to die, when she could have easily been saved. Maybe he'll understand if one of his mates mow his kids down. I wonder what it is about some international drivers though. Especially Audi drivers. It's not diffuclt to drive, it's easy to drive fast, it's not hard being aggressive. Why are some international drivers so shite at driving? Do they not have to read signs, or follow the rules of the road in their own country? Have they heard of theory? Or do their mates at driving school just pass them for the sake of it? Christ I sound like Clarkson!

I don't want to be prejuidiced for prejuidices sake but this kind of thing, like the crime above, the lack of regard, the arrogance just makes me want to chuck a nuke at him. It goes back to the Human Rights thing again. What Human Rights? While there'll be victims they and their families will be the ones to lose out. Fuck Ibrahim. He lost his rights when he cowardly, because that's how he acted, when the dumb ass, left a girl for dead. Hopefully one day he'll understand the hard way when he finds himself in a sticky situation. It seems that his case is being looked at and he could be deported. With any luck he'll be back in Iraq. I'm sure he'll have a whale of a time. Wanker.

Endgame

It's probably obvious to you now that the things that have baffled, aroused and angered me will continue to do so for many, many decades. It's something I can't change, nor would I want to. I can't stop people from being stupid motherfuckers though, no matter how much I try and will it.

Over the past five years I have irregularly written and railed against many things, often trivial. Perhaps I should have (and maybe I will at some stage) write about the things that really matter and are worth being angry about, you know, war crimes, intolerance, injustice, attack on liberties and human rights.  None of it will make any difference but it will make me slightly calmer.

I suppose it's with this in mind, and not a heavy heart that my final post will soon be upon you. I plan to end with a four part special. After that this blog will remain untill deleted by the higher power that is Google, for you to read and rail against. I might compile a book version of some stage. I know almost certainly that there is zero interest let alone zero demand but I'm vain enough to publish a copy for myself anyway, be good to read in waiting rooms. So what will follow in four parts will be Best Before End. 

Rebecca Frayn: Talking Shit

I sat down in Sainsbury's yesterday and picked up a copy of The Times. There was some weekend feature about, (sigh) someone I previously hadn't heard of, although I could guess from her surname that she might share something in common with the writer of Copenhagen. It was Rebecca Frayn. Believe it or not it was an irony free, me me me piece about her twins. Hm, not bad publicity for her new 'novel' and her twins, who I'm sure at some stage will use the coat tails of her and the writer of Copenhagen to get on.  But she cares. Do you see? She cares about issues like kids and the environment!

As ever this isn't the main reason for my rage. What occurred to me was, at what level, at what level will this piece appeal to anyone? People with grown up twins? Mothers? Do parents give a shit about other kids? Do parents really give two fucks about how better off other people's kids are? Wouldn't The Times do well to actually print something for the weekend that has more depth? By god we have to care about the trivial plight of others because human beings have a need to talk shit as well as listen to it.

It's why I hate Catalin Moran. I've never read anything by her that spends more time on any given subject that the subject of Catalin Moran. I don't find her cute and inquisitive. She will always be that overweight student who wondered into a studio where they were filming that fucked up excuse for a music programme, 'Naked City'.

None of these people, these columists and me-ist's will ever be as interesting and entertaining as John Peel's digressions were. You just won't. Just promote what you need to promote, write what you're supposed to write about and shut the motherfuck up about you're tiny, cute, banal self-important hang ups. No-one gives a shit.

War on Neighbours?

I'll never understand certain mentalities. Maybe I'm not meant to. I don't even know if I should. If you haven't already guessed it by now from reading this blog, then I'll spell it out once more. Most people disappoint me. If it's not their motivations that get me down, it's their behaviour to others and even the lack of respect they have for themselves. Morrissey's own hatred of the human race is motivated in part by his own background but also how humanity can be measured in its treatment of animals. Although his frustrations aren't always politcally correct. Heaven knows what he'd make of the by now infamous youtube footage of some Bosnian teenage hick hurling puppies into a river. And obviously this doesn't detract from how awful people have been to each other for generations.

Now I'd like to think that I'm relatively tolerant and friendly. I'm considerate and generous. I don't oppress people. Like anyone else I just want to get on in life without as much fuss as possible but even I am prone at times to being pissed off and grumpy.

It only dawned on me recently when I was thinking about Orwell's quote 'If you want a vision of the future imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever.' It's encapsulated in everything, war, religion, laughing at the mentally ill on national television in the form of relaity/talent shows, shopper rage, road rage, and keeping up with the neighbours. I'm going to probably add to this with my own slighting of my neighbours which, I understand, far from not being very considerate, doesn't aid my understanding of people's mentalities any further.

Like most of you I want a peaceful life, an easy life, a life where privacy is respected and people are friendly. In some places in the world this would be utopia. But we're always divided, be it race, class, religion, sexuality and age. We're afraid. I understand why peope act like twats, I do. I also understand why, for example, you feel compelled to attack those terrible subhumans next door with a lawnmower, and bury the bits of meat and shit in custard mix, and throw it in a cement mixer. I've been there. I'm still there. If I had the time, resources and desire, I'd like to take a look at the brain cells that help make up these mentalities just to see what motivates them and why it motivates them. In my time I've had post stolen by someone who was done for armed robbery, I've lived above a couple of chavs who never slept and played twatcore at all hours, and didn't seem to respond to polite reminders that they were too loud, and now there's what I can only describe as savages next door. Well, they aren't savages, more like overgrown toddlers to be fair with savage like tendacies. I realise that they haven't lived in a good environment all their lives and the background has been spent living with drugs, violence and crime. But so have others. So even though I can understand it, I don't accept it as a plausible excuse. People have it far worse and they're not complete shitheads. I also understand that people are often motivated by jealousy, spite, personal gain and stupidity. This doesn't make their and others twatty behaviour acceptable.

I'm just not interested, (annoyed at first but now bored) of seeing and hearing the obese overgrown Rick Waller in drag, dragging her flesh in the front yard cluttered with toys, her kiddy pyjamas barely covering her blotchy, pale, lumpy flesh. (What is it about council estates and wondering about all hours of the day, even to the shops in pyjamas? ) I doubt anyone else is too. I don't feel that there's anything to gain or an example to set the kids with her screaming all kids of obscenties at her kids in the most racous, inflated voice possible.  Maybe there's solace with her other half, a typical whippet like jal bird? (It's marginally like living on the set of Shameless, I know. But the house was cheap) Why does it have to be so fucking predictable though? Why can't I be wrong? Snobbery would be justified though. For my part I'm barely encountered or considered. I'm sure I'm viewed upon as an outsider, a snob or a different species. Honestly, I swear you are sometimes stared at in the same way that civilised western visitors are by distant tribes in distant lands. It's like looking at zombies trying to make sense of the iPhone. And I know I'm prejuidiced, having grown up in a similar enviornment I spent so long trying to escape. But nothing changes. People are the same, and they're, as I'm sure have said before, they're devolving to a level where you feel that sterialisation has to be a realistic, almost a mercy option. But in this area, kids are a commodity, even a status symbol. Prison is an honour for them. The cycle will continue. Oxygen wasted.

I hate these people. Everything they stand for. I resent the time and space they occupy, their impact on crime, education, culture and socirty. I hate the way they look, they way they talk and smell. They are no use to anyone, even themselves. While I won't dismiss every one of them, there's really no point trying to be all right on and liberal. It's easy being liberal when you live in a safer environment with your peers, where you never have to come into contact with these morons. That's piss easy. I can do that. At the same time I wouldn't ever take the side of the right wing rags who are just as cuntish, again living in their glass houses of orgies and killing animals, whilst going on an on about immigration, single mothers, when they have no personal experience. In fact all of my issues have always been with stupid white people who we time and time again have to make allowances for, have to clear up after, have to understand and accept their stupidity. So far councils and governments have failed and police do fuck all. Fuck, it's like these people have super powers. They can do what the fuck they want and they know their rights. They don't have to work. They are entitled to training, hand outs and homes and can fuck up as many times as they want and no-one gives a shit. I'm not sure if Britain is broken but if it is, it was shattered a long time ago.

But stupidy is underated. It doesn't come with obligation, skills, common sense, respect or harmony. Stupid people rarely get stressed or have any problems. They may waste our resources and clog the a&e with self-inflicted injuries, they may cause contraversy by having stupid opinions about Raul Moat published on Facebook but they'll survive. They know all about self-preservation and that's to keep having kids. They either don't realise or don't care that they are kept by the government or controlled by the media. It doesn't matter. They will carry on regardless, stressing others, terrorising some and, allowing their lack of social skills and manners to come across as aggressive. They don't have to care because no-one else does.The human race will die out tearing itself apart, one way or another and you can bet that the real underlying cause will be a petty one. As Morrissey says, 'Come, come/nuclear bomb!'

Gold by name (Not by nature unfortunately)

What's the point of Murray Gold? Oh, he writes the incidental music for Doctor Who and The Sarah Jane Adventures! Right. So what's the point of incidental music? Well it's kind of music that plays underneath a scene, sets the tone, adds atmosphere, etc. Although incidental music works better when it's unobstrusive. However in Gold's hands unobtrusive is the equivalent of a kid smearing your face with baby food,and laughing. It's as unobtrusive as a Guardian columist's personal life. So tell me, anyone, Murray, why does your music actually interfere with the show and trash EVERY scene it appears in? Why is it so necessary that the theme to the Sarah Jane Adventures has to sound like a demented swashbuckling, mysterious, knockabout, kiddie rompothan, when it's a shite show that isn't as anywhere near as imaginative or thrilling as many of its 80s originals? The main problem I have with his music, apart from being distractingly bad, is the way it tries to force some sort of emotional response from a poor script that should be able to do something WITHOUT music!

I'm not against incidental music, far from it, Vangelis and the editors got it right in Blade Runner, certainly in Chariots of Fire. So why can't BBC get it right? Why can't Murray get it right? I'm sure he has many fans and hardly gets complaints which will vindicate him and stave off any attemtps to push any boundaries, not he's found his happy medium. But for chrisssake BBC get some innovative composers who aren't mates with the producers. I'm sure the Hartnoll brothers could design the sound for the new series. Can't believe Moffat didn't ditch Gold, during his very minor cull. Don't take my opinion.  Make you own mind up.

He's fucking BONKERS!!

Do you see? Do you fucking see? He's a ledge! He raps and you don't know if he's serious or funny? He's a clever cunt, yeah? Bonkers!!Go fuck yo selfs NWA!

GUILT FEST 2 Review

On the grounds where they hold the international balloon festival and where that Ben Fogey filmed part of his 'Country Tracks' series saw the monumental Guilt Festival 2. Due to the recession Beagle 2 couldn't afford to book Benny Andersson Band or Johnny Geddes (despite how much Geddes claims he was here).

Among the tens who attended there were rumours and rumblings about what surprise guest was going to crop up on some hasty duet. Sadly, Thomas Yorke, Selina Dion (tribute act to Celline) or German footballing legend Karl-Heinz Rumminige couldn't be arsed.

In their quest to mythologise the festival, everyone upon entering and getting their cheeks stamped were asked by HTV news and Fucked FM what was their Guilt Fest highlight. One punter offered 'when that bloke out of The Dead Zones mended his bike puncture during 'Weed Me a Pleb For Xmas.' So here are the acts who apepared in order of importance due to the success of their street teams.

THE DEAD ZONES
APESHIT
MUSTARD GAS
VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
TUBBY QUEENS
ASK ASPEL LIGHTSHOW
BOIL IN THE BAG STUS

Personally with Guilt Fest being the nine thousand and fourteenth trending topic on twitter we are seeing that Guilt Fest is becoming THE festival to be at. So here are my own private highlights.


THE DEAD ZONES

Described by some knobhead I bumped into at a concert by the underated Dulux Gloss as a nod to Jame Murphy, a wink to the Wonderstuff you can enjoy, and a casual grope in a new build house to a scratched Belbury Poly bootlegged remix compilation, the Dead Zones were on form. They kicked our faces in. The uncharasmatic front man, Zack Heiss invaded our senses with a suit made from dish cloth, sunglasses so wide you needed four heads and a voice cherished by years of vomiting petrol. When he introduced 'High Def Adulterer' with 'Let's all big up these South African mother fuckers! Let's bring some shitty sunshine to their crappy, simple, fucked up lives! Ye-ahh! Lol! District niiiine!' and produced a vuvuzela which he hurt his knee trying to snap, I nearly choked on my paper cup of mushy peas. One highlight was The Dead Zones bizarre 'Carter USM' version of Lennon's 'Beautiful Boy'.


Set list

High Def Adulterer
Weed me a Pleb for Xmas
Beautiful Boy (Unstoppable version)
Solvent molestation
Armchair Nazi
Mark. E. Smith doesn't give a fuck about you, I don't give a fuck about him too.
Dizzie Rascal (He's WELL BONKERS, the cunting ledge!)
Shut the fuck up and put another shit record on



MUSTARD GAS

Much as already been written about Mustard Gas. Most of it boring and quite irrelevant. This festival was pre-empted by a contraversial war of words between drummer, Andy N and Stevie V (of Dirty Cash fame). It came to a head when Andy N offered the ultimatum 'The first one of us to die is a horse-freaking muppet on the dole!' This had no effect on the hypnotic and bothersome set of postmodern rock/J-pop/dubstep/hauntology. In fairness it was quite crap. A kind of teen Peter Kay-esque crowd pleasing journey into living suicide. Songs such as 'Michael Moore Has Feelings' and the balaeric sun-kissed 'Self Published Failure' were genuinely indulgent, so much so that Jonathan Ross wept.


Set list

Take the chavs to the chambers
I used to be a boyfriend
Michael Moore Has Feelings
Blow Your Whistle (DJ Duke cover)
The White Album in Five Minutes
I liked the Guardian more when I had some money
Barbie Girl (ironic cover of the Aqua classic)
Self-Published Failure


VERONICA AND THE PISSING MUMMYS
For music writers of the Queitus website, Veronica and the Pissing Mummys represent a kind of Florence and the Machine for non-Dido fans and Zane Lowe loathers. They did fuck all last year untill they infected the charts with their soulful version of the poppy house classic, 'The Only Way Is Up'. Since then, everyone wants to have purple hair, suck lollipops, hold hands, and pretend to be 22 years of age. They want to speak like Sarah Ferguson and be twats. Oh go on. Here's the set list if you must.


Set list

I'm so hapy that I could pee untill I die
The only way is up
Annie Lennox
We're all spirtual (except for Nick Griffin and India Knight)
I don't think...too busy feeling
Cosmos, order me a new heart
Annie Lennox Part 2
The only way is up...again


So that's it. Would have watched them all but I thought I'd have a creep. So what else was going on? There was food as you'd expect. Fairly reasonable I have to say with ice cream vans offering economy burgers at £5.23 and Mr Freeze ice pops a measley £7.50. There was all kinds of shit going down, throwing bricks at Paul Crone, sharing sweat boxes with James Corden and Nick Clegg, or joining the Tubby Queens for an aftershow of baco funk and oral chav homosex. It was all in the spirit of things. Some bloke was asking for a quid to watch the young mothers, and pissed up rich sons having a piss anywhere they could find, once the single cubicle has a queue of about 40 people. And I'll never forget the Silent Disco Culture Beat special which was disappointing.

Come on En-ger-land!

See this guy in the picture, he's not patriotic, he's a nutter. Albeit a harmless nutter. (Oh it's not there anymore. Oh well. Basically it was an eccentric old guy with his body and house all decked out like a neo nazi) Maybe it's where I live but once upon a time all the things I used to view as a novelty and fairly endearing such as barbecues, laminate flooring and small gatherings of the community to watch the football are quite, quite unbearable. Common. I realise that my hatred and derision partly stem from my general dislike of most people but the fear goes deeper. It's the fear of hysteria spilling over and infecting everything, transforming all our lives, dumbing it down further than it is already. And when it's been adopted by the chavs as well, well their tack becomes our tack.

This commercialisation of world cup fever in part isn't just fuelled by The Sun but the supermarkets. You can get England themed tents, sunglasses, pillow cases, wigs, shirts, boots, cakes, bead, tic-tacs, erm flags, bunting, cigs, burgers, pens, gobstoppers, dogs, pubs, council houses, car kits, tortoises, calculators, and lipstick. I tried looking for French and Italian flags in the suprmarket but they didn't have them. It's not so much the ubiquity of it that worries me but the aggression behind it, the mentality, the force behind 'Come on En-ger-land!', not being a rallying cry but almost a call to arms, with death to those who refuse to join in, or get in their bloody way. It's the threat of the English defence league and the BNP, the fear, oh yes, the fear that woe betide us all if England don't at least win the world cup, as our immigrants and basically anyone will get it.

I do love the world cup. Not as much as I used to. The loss of interest is because of the commercialisation, is because of the sponsorships, the naff world cup themed ads and how it's hi-jacked and allowed everyone on to its bandwagon who may have been indifferent. 1982's finals in Spain which remain a big part of my childhood and my life, being the first one I engaged with and even filled duplicate Panini sticker albums is precious to me. I don't want it's memory tainted. I don't want the world cup to be a game of one upmanship on which house has the most ridiculous England decorations and union jacks. It's one of the reasons I'm losing interest. I blame supermarkets, 1966, Euro 96 and people for it being dumbed down. And I blame James Corden for being effortlessly unfunny for trying to hi-jack his own place in its televisual history, the gobshite, with his really shit programme.

So I'll be pleased if England don't do too well. Not because  it'll upset people. I just won't be able to bear the street parties, the forced jollity and the media banging on and on about it, the way they do about 1966, Euro 96, Germans, Argentina, the hand of God and the second world fucking war. Get over it.

Best Before Election 2010: Aftermath

Well there you had it, you got the government you voted for and possibly deserve. If it's a victory for anyone its for the people over the right wing media who expected a tory shoo in. It wasn't. Everyone struggled for power. The Sun didn't win it. Murdoch's influence slipped. Even Sky's Kay Burley and Adam Boutlon lost the plot when it seemed that their boy may not get the keys to 10 Downing Street.

Kind of says it all.

Normal service will be resumed next time.

BEST BEFORE: Bigoted Woman

Well, I've been ranting my thoughts about law, order and education and touched on daft party political broadcasts. (By the way, I wonder if those holding Tory or Labour placards in the faces of the opposing party when they arrive at rallies, think about what arseholes they look.)

Suppose I should discuss immigration. This might be difficult because so many insecure British people are paranoid about it. Apparently it's the big issue on the doorstep. The biggest issue on my doorstep is the doormat. But because Mrs Duffy is worried about where all the Eastern European immigrants are 'flocking from' then we must therefore share her views and the views of the British people. But hang on...Gordon was right! Duffy is a bigot, isn't she? OK, she didn't use strong language but she mentioned immigrants as opposed to illegal immigrants. Is she confused or am I the one who's bonkers? If you believe everything you read then the issue of immigration must be the number one concern in people's lives...far more than illness, stress, having no money...unless these issues are the fault of the immigrants as well. Surely if this is the main issue on the doorstep and Duffy's language and suggestion is merely mild, you have to wonder the kind of offensive crap that is coming out of people's crooked, brown, gaped toothed mouths. The concern would also have to be why it is that there are so many seemingly ignorant bigots and racists, pissing out the same, lazy cliched, tired bullshit they've picked up down the pub or at the bus stop, as some kind of excuse for why they feel so shit about their lives.  And they feel like victims. I swear, and it's not the first time I heard it, there was some miserable looking bloke in the pub, one weekday afternoon on the news who said to some reporter 'You can't say 'owt these days because you get accused of being a racist.' Hmm, but who would that bother in your world? Your racist mates? Here are some extracts and warning signs that you're hearing bullshit and any further discussion needs to be bypassed.

'They take our jobs'
'Free housing...'
'They're dirty.'
'...spread diseases...'
'They should learn English...'
'I'm not racists but...'
'They shag animals.'
'They're suicide bombers'
'They created the Volcanic ash cloud from that Iceland place...'

Maybe it's progressive of me but in my experience the majority of people with, um, ASBO's for instance happen to be British, mainly white British.  Most people claiming or absusing benefits, taking drugs, pissing their lives away and killing each other happen to be white and British. Diseases, as far as I can gather are due to bacteria but a fair few of this bacteria is spread by British people as well. And before banging on and on about how immigrants should learn English (which the majority do) it'd be a great idea if many British people actually knew how to string an English sentence together that isn't full of complete shit. Jobs? Well you can't knock immigrants for wanting to work, often losing benefits. Blame the dodgy British bosses who can't be arsed paying out the minimum wage. So they don't take your jobs. You just don't want to work for less than £400 a week, despite having no experience, having no qualifications or being unwilling to have a go. When I'm in the queue for an interview, I know that I've as much chance as any immigrant, not that I've seen immigrants going for the same job as me. After all they'd have to be pretty sharp at English to get past the application process...but wait a minute, I thought they couldn't speak Engli- Ah, so my job isn't at threat. Hooray!

I'm more concerned about these so called shift, scroat-like white, British people like myself. They are the real danger. Especially if they are stupid, insecure and ignorant. They're the one's committing crimes and making arseholes of themselves. They cut you up on the roads, they piss about on the streets at weekends because they can't go for a night out without becoming momentary pissheads, they beg you for money for the phone, they nick your stuff, they're noisy, they wind up teachers, they wind up old people on the buses, they watch shit TV shows, they knife, abuse and rip you off. They just want to drag everyone else down. Perhaps before having any sort of workable policy on border controls we have to understand and educate these lazy fucks, many who haven't ever been beyond their own district, let alone actually know where Eastern Europe is.


OTHER POLICIES

Was going to write about Health, Foreign policy and Business but I'm sapped out for now. In a nutshell, keep on supporting and investing in NHS, raise wages for Nurses, deduct wages from Trust managers who don't nearly do anything like Nursing staff. Let's get out of Iraq and Afganistan. It would save us money. Perhaps a percentage of what we're spending now could be diverted to reconstruct the places we've bombed into the stoneage. Scrap Nuclear missiles. In the event of a full conflict we'd all be wiped out anyway. It's ludicrous to suggest we need them for defense. We have adequate defence in the daft event that France, Germany or The Netherlands would try and invade us. Think of the money we could save. Considering money and business development, why not recruit Martin Lewis from Money Saving Expert, who can help Britain with its finances. He also hates bankers, hedge fund investors and fat cats as well. Sack Ed Balls.

Best Before: Law and Order

Well it's been another 'interesting' week if you're into politics or just generally freedom of speech and human rights in general. Firstly there was the second debate in which Clegg just grabbed it for me by a nose or two, then there was one of the Murdoch offsprings and his diabolical partner in crime, Rebakah Wade (I hope I've spelt her name wrong) brow beating the Independent editor because he suggested the ludicrous idea that elections aren't won by newspaper's but, erm...the public. Every right wing rag have been up in arms because a hung parliament would cause some kind of holocoust. Essentially they were shit scared because they might look like dicks when this election is all over. I hope so because they are dicks. Anyway, my policies on Law and Order...

LAW AND ORDER

There doesn't seem to be much, does there? You know, maybe education might be much improved if anti-social behaviour, drug abuse, drug related crime, bad parenting and all the little scroats out there who know you can't touch 'em, actually, really get punished instead of pointless funded intervention programmes that actually spend money taking them canoeing, go karting and mountain climbing. Policing needs to support this, and actually respond to calls and keep them off the streets making arses of themselves and the lives of others a misery. I can understand it though. If I was in the police I'd just chat to my mates and go for a drive instead of arseing about creating more paperwork.

Face it, we've tried the liberal approach, the 'oh, they just need love'. Maybe it's a stretch but have we actually tried punishing them as well as rewarding them? Low level crime seems to be the biggest challenge as far as I'm concerned as is the fear of it. I wouldn't even call it low level anyway because people might fear it more than high level crime. The fear of it, I expect is down to the constant reporting and sensationalism of it. It's quite a complex thing when you thing of it. Kids have to deal with peer pressure, you know, knifing each other to fit in, kicking someone to death because they don't have the capacity to reason, or shooting someone because, well, it's a laugh. There's all kinds of local initiatives which deal with crime prevention, drug abuse and interventing with various programmes to steer kids off the road to crime. Either they're not being funded properly and supported by local councils or the kids don't give a shit. There has to be some responsibility on the parts of the asbo teens. And before people whinge on and on and on about there being fuck all to do, well, here's what I think about that. BOLLOCKS! I've lived in a council estate for about 25 years. There was crime, anti social behaviour and drug abuse. I didn't get involved. And it wasn't because I was particularly brought up in a stable home environment. My motivation was that I didn't want to live in this environment. I had ambition and thought 'I have every right to do what I want.' It wasn't easy, no one expects it to be, but you have to take some responsibility if you want to attempt to live a life that doesn't revolve signing on, taking drugs, hanging about at bus stops and generally being chavvy dickheads.

Now maybe people like me have turned into a snob and should be giving them a step up. I agree but I have to be met half way. The time's I've heard some of these self-entitled idiots spout gibberish like 'I'm not geting out of bed for less than £400 a week...it's all them immigrants taking our jobs innit?' Well it isn't, dickface! It's YOU who's the problem! 1. You either haven't worked all your life so have little experience or skills for the wage you expect or 2. You've barely left school and there's this funny concept called getting experience and actually learning something. Try it. 3. Many of these immigrants either will work, have skills and are not arseing about everywhere, taking smack or boozing up. Hmm. Funnily enough I've rarely been met half way. Despite all the confidence and advice I've handed out to them in my capacity as a teacher or a IAG advisor. It's sad.

So some points:

1. Drug related crime should be punished as equally as rehabilitation. Higher sentences. These people shouldn't be on the streets untill they're clearly clean and have a job. Maybe social workers could assess their progress on a regular basis.

2. Kids have to go to school. If some school's are unable or can't retain them, create schools that will. Education is important.

3. Family planning is an area that has be debated for future generations. What'sthe point of having kids if you don't have the means to support them through life, and if they end up being scroats just like their parents? We really have to be harder in some areas and discourage certain cultures. Having a child isn't merely a way of life, it's a responsibility which a lot of parents get bored with. This has to stop.

4. Sentencing should actually fit the seriousness of the crime. Anything that involves physical or mental harm should be sentenced accordingly, rather than people being allowed to reoffend.

5. Probation. Are criminals suitably followed up on release? If not, why? Can't we find them a job prior to release and put an order on them getting back in touch with the wrong crowd? Are we doing this? Why isn't it working?

6. Put them on an island with Nick Griifn. Then they'll all have the kind of paradise they've reaped and deserve.

Anyway, that's my lot for now.

Best Before: Campaigns

What better way to reach your electorate and telling them what you stand for than peppering the streets with propaganda in the form of shit posters, and littering the TV schedules with political/election broadcasts, designed to get you, the dumb assed voter to ask the same rhetorical questions as the parties? In fact they are all the same questions. Like someone who has a brain in their skull is going to say  'Actually I want a really shit national health service...schools can fuck off, bring back work houses...' They constantly want to bombard you with issues that 1. are quite obvious, 2. some people don't give a shit about because it doesn't apply to them (e.g. immigration. Many of thsoe who bleat on and on about being swamped not only don't work but never even bloody worked when immigration was low) 3. how shit the other parties are, as if they have the answers.

In a week that has seen the media in all but name masturbate themselves to death over the TV debate, piping cum all over spin alley and Westminster, you could be forgive that the only one's who really give a shit about campaigns are those in Westminster village. It's sort of like Manchester's Gay Village I imagine only with less shag tags.

So let's have a look what all the bother has been about.

Is that John Pertwee's son? Oh yeah, great one this. Grey skies, Britain at a crossroads metaphor, spineless-play-it-safe-Brown-esque voter who doesn't know which way to go because, well, Brown did one thing right perhaps...Oh dear.


This one's even more patronising. Part of a series of 'stories'. I've never voted tory before but...I'm middle class, I have kids and actually I'm an unconvincing actress. So fuck off everyone! They make me wretch and laugh at the same time. Look at how aspirational and pretty we all are. Listen up, crappy campaigners! You can see right through this shit! The blue jacket, the not very subtle imagery again. Why not feature chavs or people who have not actually voted tory, or pretended not to? Give me a break!

Here we go, so this is what Britain will look like in around 28 days if Labour or Tory's get in? Clegg would get my vote if the rage got him and he went around killing and eating the folks in the other broadcasts.

Best Before: Education

How is it that every government manages to fuck this department up? How difficult can it be to stop all the petty squabbles about the two tier system, getting into the right school, university places? Simple, make it one size fits all. Remove the two tier system. Insecure middle class parents are just worried that their kids will end up becoming rapists and drug addicts because they may mix with kids from council estates and actually enjoy spending time with them. If you actually trusted your kids and didn’t smother them you wouldn’t have to worry whether they’ll rebel. And of course all kids from council estates don’t have ASBOS and those who have only do so because the government have fucked up their responsibility to those as well. But I’ll come to that at some point soon.

As for quality of provision, the state and private sector has, as far as I know teaching staff who are equally qualified to deliver high quality teaching. Problem is they are not supported in the state sector. Powers are taken away. Precious time is wasted doing CPD and crappy paper work and more and schools and headteachers are constantly playing second fiddle to the parents who, with respect, have little understanding of what teachers have to go through because they get an edited, fictionalised, dumbed down version of reality from the tabloid press. Rather than supporting schools, governments keep announcing stupid ideas that are unrealistic and actually haven’t improved the quality of education. Like the clueless proposal by Ed Balls for teachers to now have 'MOTs' that require teachers to have more tests. Hello? Don't they have CPD and teaching qualifications, along with teaching hours, planning and prep and god knows what else? You could pay them more for a start. But arseholes like Ed Balls do all this to pretend that they are doing something to address issues in education. What they are doing is muddying the waters and should stay out of it.

Just give the LEAs the money and let the experts in education (those who actually work in schools, colleges and universities) decide how to spend it. If we want your input and regulation we’ll ask for it. So make the system classess. Raise the leaving age to 21 and those who have no wish to be academic can and should train to do something vocationally. Those who don’t want to learn, the parents who want to complain, those who take the piss at school, penalise them. I’d rather not bring back borstall but those who want to opt out or are too disruptive can be taught via other means. Home schooling has to be reformed as well. Parents who wish to school there kids at home should be allowed to do so, once they have the necessary skills, experience and teacher training...and they should teach to the national curriculum, once this has been reformed to represent the soiceity we live in. What's this bollocks about school kids interviewing applicants for teaching jobs? It's one thing to bleat and squeal about the nanny state but this is beyond parody. You might as well have kids interviewing social workers, teens interviewing community support officers, Catholic preists, McDonald's staff, rocket scientists? Why is it that teachers are held in so low a regard in Britain? The image of teachers need to be celebrated and respected. This society wants to make the role models and fall guys in equal measure. You could start by rewarding and trusting them. Government and voters alike. Instead of acting like self-righteous wankers.

As for those journalists that bleat on in their annual pieces about A-level's getting easier, maybe they should actually spent a few weeks shadowing teachers or exam markers instead of insulting kids and parents who have worked hard to get qualifications. What they'd eventually realise once they've taken their pencils out of their constipated arseholes is that it's the assessment procedure which rewards rather than penalises. I speak as someone who is a qualified teacher and as marked exams.

Faith schools. The equal opportunities policy needs to be followed to the letter. If you're a teacher and you don't have a 'faith' this does not make you inadequate to work at a faith school. You wouldn't think that though, judging by the amount of teachers who either don't get an interview, let alone the one's who are not put off by some application processes that requires teachers to have a 'faith'. All schools should already be maintaning an all inclusive ethos and mission statement irrespective of your faith, sex, colour or ability. You wouldn't think it. If trust is one of the key themes of this election, more than any other time maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to trust the professionals who are qualified to deliver public services, and assess the middle managers and picky micro managers who interefere in something totally beyond them.

So who can best deliver this? That's anyone's guess.

Fire up the poster campaigns!

There I was the other morning, minding my own business, walking back from a frame shop, looking at another negative poster by the tories of Gordon Brown smiling, anchored to the claim that he's cheated pensioners out of bliions of pounds, when I suggested the best way Labour could get the popular vote was if they used an image of Gene Hunt from Ashes to Ashes with the slogan 'If you don't vote for me I'm gonna come round your house and stamp on your toys!'

Well in a crazy blurring of fantasy/reality, Labour unveiled this poster. Which spectacularly misfired, as Labour strategists and the poor bloke who won the comp to design a poster obviously were out of touch and failed to recognise that Gene Hunt is actually POPULAR, especially with the female electorate.

Fair from being offended Cameron was flattered. You can guess what came next.

So there you have it. The election effectively belongs to the tories, thanks to the popularity of a racist, homophobic, sexist fictional cult television anti-hero.

In short, Labour are one nil ahead in election fuck up's.

Best Before Election

I apologise in advance if this doesn’t come across as eloquent or very well researched but I’m almost at the end of my tether to such an extent that this series of fantasy policies and proposals I’m about to put forward warrants nothing but an emotional and theoretical response. I hate the tory party and the values it professes to have. There’s no way I would vote for them. In fact I haven’t voted for anyone since 1992. I didn’t vote New Labour in as well and its facile when arseholes say ‘Ooh if you haven’t voted you don’t have a voice!’ Bullshit. The fact that someone hasn’t voted is in itself a political act, just because there isn’t a party to represent or to competently carry out this apathy, or alternative, brave policies says quite a lot actually. So you do have a voice. More so.

All the other niche parties are jokes as well. UKIP, BNP, Monster Raving Looney Party…often created to display how ridiculous politics have became in recent years. But you'll get jerks who will say  'your MP has a duty to you, go and see them, write to them…’ but all they have ever done is nod and say how much they understand, that they are doing what they can, but they do fuck all! And continue to do so and will continue to do so. If I don’t vote in the next election it’s easy to dismiss me has having no voice so I’ll make my voice known here. I’ll put forward my policies for the Best Before Party. It does exist, although there is only one member. This should take us up to the General Election. 

I'll begin next time with my take on EDUCATION and how we might go about managing not to fuck it up, the way everyone else does. 

Corden This Berk Off! Please someone!

No point wondering why BBC give this arsehole a wide birth because, as we know from previous examples, the BBC are always making shit decisions. So because he was in 'The History Boys' it follows that Corden is some sort of acting genius. Because he was in the way, way over the head rated ' Gavin and Stacey' he must be some kind of acting genius and not the squealing, giggling pig face he is. (Actually he'd fit right in if a remake of Redemption came along). He just isn't funny or any more talented than yer average BTEC First Dip Peforming Arts student. Don't insult our intelligence Corden. But because like Kay, he's in your face like vomit and spittle from an unpleasant patient in a care home, and he's cuddly, he's some kind of genius. Right.